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MORLEY'S UNIVERSAL LIBRARY.

23. IDEAL COMMONWEALTHS: MORE'S UTOPIA;

BACON'S NEW ATLANTIS; AND CAMPANELLA'S
CITY OF THE SUN.

24. CAVENDISH'S LIFE OF WOLSEY.

25 and 26. DON QUIXOTE (Two Volumes).

27. BURLESQUE PUYS AND POEMS.

28. DANTE'S DIVINE COMEDY. Longfellow's Translation.

29. GOLDSMITH'S VICAR OF WAKEFIELD, PLAYS,

AND POEMS.

30. FABLES AND PROVERBS FROM THE SANSKRIT.

31. CHARLES LAMB'S ESSAYS OF ELIA.

32. THE HISTORY OF THOMAS ELLWOOD, Written by

Himself.

33. EMERSON'S ESSAYS, REPRESENTATIVE MEN, AND

SOCIETY AND SOLITUDE.

34. SOUTHEY'S LIFE OF NELSON.

35. DE QUINCEY'S OPIUM EATER, SHAKSPEARE,

GOETHE.

36. STORIES OF IRELAND. By Maria Edgeworth.

37. THE PLAYS OF ARISTOPHANES, Translated by Frere.

38. SPEECHES AND LETTERS. By Edmund Burke.

39. THOMAS A KEMPIS' IMITATION OF CHRIST.

40. POPULAR SONGS OF IRELAND, Collected by

Thomas Crofton Croker.

41. THE PLAYS OF .ESCHYLUS, Translated by R. Potter.

GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS,
LONDON AND NEW YORK.

139/

BALLANTYNE, HANSON AND CO., EDINBURGh
CHANDOS STREET. LONDON

HUDIBEAS

SAMUEL BUTLER

WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY

LL.D. PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH LITERATURE AT
UNIVEKSITY COLLEGE, LONDON

SECOND EDITION

LONDON
GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS

BROADWAY, LUDGATE HILL

NEW YORK: 9 LAFAYETTE PLACE

1886

MORLEY'S UNIVERSAL LIBRARY.

1. Sherii}an\ Plays.

2. Plnys from Moliire. By

English Dramatists.

3. Marlmue's Faiistus and

Goethe's Faust.

4. Chronicle of the Cid.

5. Jiahelais'Gargantiiasindihs.

Heroic Deeds of Pantagiucl.

6. The P7-ince. '2rj Maciiia-

VELLI.

7. Bacott's Essays.

8. Defoe's Journal of the

Plague Year.

9. Locke on Civil Government

and Filiners "Patriarcha."

10. Butler's Analogy of Religion.

11. Dry Jen's Virgil.

12. Scott's Dcmonology and

Witchcraft.

13. Ilerrick's Hesperides.

14. Coleridge's Table-7 alk.

15. Boccaccio's Decameron.

16. Sterne's Tri tram Shandy.

17. Chaf'tnan's Homer's Iliad.

18. Medhival laLs.

19. Vol t aire's Candide, and

Jolmsons Rasselas.

" Marvels of clear type and gen

20. Plays and Poems. By Ben

JoNSON.

21. Leviathan. By THOMAS

HOBBES.

22. Hiuid>ras. By SAMUEL

BuTI.ER.

23. Ideal Commomcealths.

24. Cavendish's Life of IVolsey.
25 & 26. Don Quixote. In

Two Volumes.

27 . Biirlesqtie Plays and Poems.

28. L'ante's Divine Comedy.

Longfellow's Translation.

29. Goldsmith's Vicar of Wake-
field, Plays, and Poems.

30. Fables and I'foverbs from

the Sanskrit. (^Hitopadesa.)

31. Charles Lamb's Essays of

Elia.

32. The History of Thomas

Elhuood.

33. Em<r son's Essays, &-c.

34. Southey's Life of Nelson.

35. De Qui nay's Confessions

of an Opiiiin-Eater, fy'C.

36. Stories of Ireland. By Miss

Edgeworth.
37- Aristophanes
eral neatness."— iJa/Ty Telegraph.

INTRODUCTION.

Samuel Butler was born in February, 1612, and was
baptized on the 8th of February, according to the parish
registers kept by his father, who rented a farm in A\'orcester-
shire, in the parish of Strensham. Samuel, named after his
father, was the fifth child in a family of seven. He was
educated in the Worcester College School, and passed from
school, probably after some training in an attorney's office, into
employment as clerk to a Justice of the Peace, Mr. Thomas
Jefferies, of Earl's Croome, near Strensham. Butler's genius
gave him already the tastes of an artist and a scholar. He
made pictures, and he compiled for himself, as aid to his
private studies, a French dictionary, and an abridgment,
in Law French, of Coke upon Littleton. From the service
of Mr. Jefferies, Buder passed into that of the Earl of Kent,
at Wrest, in Bedfordshire.

Henry Lord Grey de Ruthin, in 1625, succeeded his
brother in the Earldom of Kent. The estates of his earldom
were entangled among lawsuits that raised questions of title,
and gave large employment to Selden's powers of resenrch.
The Earl had wisely chosen in John Selden the one man in
all England who was best able to help him. Selden was
much at Wrest ; and Butler was probably engaged to live
at Wrest as a quick-witted clerk emoloyed under Selden's
direction. Anthony a Wood says that Butler often wrote
letters beyond sea for Selden, and translated for him. It was
education to work under so true a scholar, and there was a
large library at Wrest from which Butler could gather some
part of that store of knowledge, wittily applied, which gives
strength to his satire.

Good service at Wrest probably was Butler's recommen-
dation, when he had finished liis work there, to another

vi INTRODUCTION.

house in Bedfordshire, that of Sir Samuel Luke at Cople
Hoo Farm, three miles from Bedford. Sir Samuel Luke
was a strict Presbyterian, who served afterwards as colonel
in the army of the Parliament.

" Tlieii did Sir Knight abandon dwelling,
And out he rode a colonelling."

There is no doubt that young Butler's observations of the
sayings and doings of Sir Samuel and his friends provided
matter for his poem. Lideed, he tells us, by the rhyme that
helps us to fill up a blank, that Sir Sanuiel Luke was the man
whom he had most in mind as model for his Hudibras :

" 'Tis sung, there is a valiant Mameluke

In foreign lands, yclept

To whom we have been oft compared
For person, parts, address and beard."

During the Civil War we know only that, in whatever
way Butler was earning liis bread, he was working at the
first part of his poem ; and then, and in the Commonwealth
time, turning over in his mind many a couplet stored for
future use. His remains show that as thoughts struck him
he arranged them into complete form and kept note of
them.

It is not until immediately after the Restoration that we
again learn how Butler was earning his bread. He is still
found in the old calling, taking office as steward or secretary
to the Earl of Carbery, Lord President of the West, at
Ludlow Castle. It is the same Earl of Carbery, who , during
the Commonwealth, had been, at Golden Grove by the
Towey, patron and friend to Jeremy Taylor.

About this time Samuel Butler married a lady named
Herbert, who at one time had properly, and lost it, by
investment in unsafe securities, either before or soon after
her marriage.

Not long after Butler's marriage there appeared a little
pocket volume, of 125 pages, in i6mo, measuring less than
six inches by four, entitled " Hudibras. The First Part.
Written in the time of the late Wars," with a pair of wood-
cuts, side by side, representing the rose and the thistle, each
bearing a crown. The " Imprimatur" is dated November 1 1,
1662, and 1663 is the date on the title-page; but there

INTRODUCTION. vii

is no publisher's or printer's name. This first issue of
"Hudibras" was an unauthorized edition that anticipated
Butler's own. In the Public IntelUgciicer, of December 23,
1662, the following advertisement was inserted : "There is
stolen abroad a most false, imperfect copy of a poem,
called ' Hudibras,' without name either of printer or book-
seller, as fit for so lame and spurious an impression. The
true and perfect edition, printed by the author's original, is
sold by Richard JSIarriot, under St. Dunstan's church, in
Fleet Street." Butlers own edition came out, in small 8vo,
in 1663 ; but side by side with it reappeared the little
piracy, page for page set like the first, but a reprint, with
some corrections of the text, and without the rose and
thistle on the title-page. Thus the first part of Butler's
poem was anticipated by a thief, actively undersold, and
much of liis fair profit from it intercepted.

The thief seems to have gone on to forgery, for uniform
with the spurious editions there next appeared in 1663,
before Butler himself was ready with his second part, a con-
_ temptible fabrication inscribed on its title-page " Hudibras.
The Second Part, with the continuation of the Third Canto ;
to which is added a Fourth Canto. By the Same Author.
Published to undeceive the Nation." Butler's own Second
Part appeared in 1664.

The King and Court delighted in the hits at their
opponents. The King carried the new book about in his
pocket, probably the thief's edition, which came first and
was very portable. But for the author, Charles the Second
cared nothing and did nothing. Butler was essentially a
scholar, ([uiet, studious, and his wit had wisdom in it that
reached far beyond the range of party warfare. He was no
companion for dissolute men whom he could see through ;
and they had no desire for liis companionship. Discouraged
by neglect, Butler let fourteen years slip by before he
produced, in 167S, the Third Part of Hudibras, and two
years after this he died, poor and neglected, on Sept-ember 25,
1680.

The addition to the title of the First Part of Hudibras,
that it was written in the time of the late AVars, is justified
by internal evidence. Some portions of it certainly were
written in the years 1643-5, thoiigli there must have been
final revision with interpolations after 1660,

viii INTRODUCTION.

If Butler had completed " Hudibras " there would have
been few insincerities of life untouched by its satire.
Richard Baxter was a Presbyterian ; John Milton was an
Independent ; Jeremy Taylor was a Churchman. Honour
be to each. Yet every good cause has its Hudibras.
Butler wrote, no doubt, as a partisan, but his whole war
was against hypocrisy. Against that in every form he waged
his war, though putting into the central place what he
regarded as the worst hypocrisy of all. But he aimed also
his shafts of wit against false show of courage ; pedantry of
learning ; the false conventions of love poetry ; the world-
liness of love; pretensions of false science; delusive aids of
law. Had he completed the book, he would have left few
of the shams of life untouched. To the weak side of Law
and Divinity he would, no doubt, have added the weak side
of Pliysic, when time came for summoning the Doctor to
despatch his knight. An attentive reader of " Hudibras"
will not be more impressed by its wit, than by the breadth
of its plan. Good-humour gives force to its satire, and good
feeling restricts it to attack upon that which Fielding justly
declared to be the only fit object of satire — affectation,
hypocrisy, whatever in any way professes to be other than
it is.

The name of his hero Butler evidently took from the
paramour of the scowling Elissa in the second canto of the
second book of Spenser's " Faerie Queene" : —

" Sir Hudibras, an hardy man,
Yet not so good of deetls as great of name,
Which he by many rasli adventures wan,
Since errant arms to sue he fust began,
More huge in strength tlian wise in works he was,
And reason with fool hardise overran ;
Stern Melancholy did his courage pass
And was, for terror more, all armed in shining Crass.''

H. M.

February, 1885.

HuDIBRAS.

PART I.— CANTO I.

THE ARGUMENT.

Sir Hudibras liis passing worth,
The manner how he sallied forth';
His arms and equipage are shown ;
His horse's virtues, and his own.
Th' adventure of the bear and fiddle
Is sung, but breaks off in the middle.

When civil fury first grew high,

And men fell out, they knew not why ;

When hard words jealousies, and fears,

Set folks together by the ears,

And made them fight, like mad or drunk.

For Dame Religion, as for punk ;

Whose honesty they all durst swear for,

Though not a man of them knew wherefore

When Gospel-Trumpeter, surrounded

With long-eared rout, to battle sounded,

And pulpit, drum ecclesiastic,

Was beat with fist, instead of a stick ;

Then did Sir Knight abandon dwelling.

And out he rode a colonelling.

A wight he was, whose very sight would
Entitle him Mirror of Knighthood ;
That never bent his stubborn knee
To any thing but Chivalry ;
Nor put up blow, but that which laid
Right worshipful on shoulder-blade :

lo HUDIBRAS. [part i.

Chief of domestic knights and errant,
Either for cartel or for warrant ;
Great on the bench, great in the saddle,
That could as well bind o'er, as swaddle ;
Mighty he was at both of these,
And styled of war, as well as peace.
So some rats, of amphibious nature,

Are either for the land or water.
But here our authors make a doubt
Whether he were more wise, or stout :

Some hold the one, and some the other ;
But howsoe"er they make a pother,
The difference was so small, his brain

Outweighed his rage but half a grain ;

Which made some take him for a tool

That knaves do work with, called a fool :

For 't has been held by many, that

As Montaigne, playing with his cat.

Complains she thought him but an ass.

Much more she would Sir Hudibras ;

For that's the name our valiant knight

To all his challenges did write.

But they're mistaken very much,

'Tis plain enough he was not such ;

We grant, altliougli he had much wit,

H' was very shy of using it ;

As being loth to wear it out,

And therefore bore it not about,
f Unless on holy-days, or so,
^ As men their best apparel do.

Beside, 'tis known he could speak Greek

As naturally as pigs squeak ;

That Latin was no more difficile,

Than to a blackbird 'tis to whistle :

Being rich in both, he never scanted

His bounty unto such as wanted ;

But much of cither would aflbrd

To many, that had not one word.

For Hebrew roots, although they're found

To nourish most in barren ground,

He had such plenty, as sufficed

To make some think him circumcised ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. II

And truly so, perhaps, he was,
'Tis many a pious Christian's case.

He was in logic a great critic,
Profoundly jkilled in analytic ;
He could distinguish, and divide
A hair 'twixt south, and south-west side ;
On either which he would dispute.
Confute, change hands, and still confute ;
He'd undertake to prove, by force
Of argument, a man's no horse ;
He'd prove a buzzard is no fowl,
And that a lord may be an owl,
A calf an alderman, a goose a justice.
And rooks Committee-men and Trustees.
He'd run in debt by disputation,
And pay with ratiocination.
All this by syllogism, true
In mood and figure, he would do.
For rhetoric, he could not ope
His mouth, but out there flew a trope \
And when he happened to break off
I' th' middle of his speech, or cough,
H' had hard words ready to show why,
And tell what rules he did it by ;
Else, when with greatest art he spoke,
You'd think he talked like other folk.
For all a rhetorician's rules
Teach nothing but to name his tools.
But, when he pleased to show't, his speech
In loftiness of sound was rich ;
A Babylonish dialect,
Which learned pedants much affect.
It was a parti-coloured dress
Of patched and piebald languages ;
'Twas English cut on Greek and Latin,
Like fustian heretofore on satin ;
It had an old promiscuous tone
As if h' had talked three parts in one ;
\Vhich made some think, when \\z did gabble,
Th' had heard three labourers of Babel -,
Or Cerberus himself pronounce
A leash of languages at once.

12 HUDIBRAS. [part I.

This he as volubly would vent

As if his stock would ne'er be spent :

And truly, to support that charge,

He had supplies as vast and large ;

For he could coin, or counterfeit

New words, with little or no wit ;

Words so debased and hard, no stone

Was hard enough to touch them on ;

And when with hasty noise he spoke 'era ;

The ignorant for current took 'em ;

That had the orator, who once

Did fill his mouth with pebble stones

When he harangued, but known his phrase,

He would have used no other ways.

In mathematics he was greater
Than Tycho Brahe, or Erra Pater :
For he, by geometric scale.
Could take the size of pots of ale ;
Resolve, by sines and tangents straight,
If bread or butter wanted weight ;
And wisely tell what hour o' th' day
The clock does strike, by Algebra.

Beside, he was a shrewd philosopher,
And had read ev'ry text and gloss over ;
Whate'er the crabbed'st author hath,
He understood b' implicit faith :
Whatever sceptic could inquire for,
For ev'ry why he had a wherefore ;
Knew more than forty of them do,
As far as words and terms could go.
All which he understood by rote,
And, as occasion served, would quote ;
No matter whether right or wrong,
They might be either said or sung.
His notions fitted things so well.
That which was which he could not tell ;
But oftentimes mistook the one
For th' other, as great clerks have done.
He could reduce all things to acts.
And knew their natures by abstracts ;
Where entity and quiddity,
'Hie ghost of defunct bodies fly ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. ^l

Where truth in person does appear,

Like words congealed in northern air.

He knew what's what, and that's as high

As metaphysic wit can fly.

In school-divinity as able

As he that hight Irrefragable ;
■ A second Thomas, or, at once
'" To name them all^ another Duns ; ^

Profound in all the Nominal " r

And Real ways, beyond tliem all ;

And, with as delicate a hand.

Could twist as lough a rope of sand ;

And weave fine cobwebs, fit for skull

That's empty when the moon is full ;

Such as take lodgings in a head

That's to be let unfurnished.

He could raise scruples dark and nice,

And after solve 'em in a trice ;

As if Divinity had catched

The itch, on purpose to be scratched ;

Or, like a mountebank, did wound

And stab herself with doubts profound,

Only to show with how small pain

The sores of Faith are cured again ;

Although by woful proof we find,

They always leave a scar behind.

He knew the seat of Paradise,

Could tell in what degree it lies';

And, as he was disposed, could' prove it,

Below the moon, or else above it :

What Adam dreamt of, when his bride

Came from her closet in his side :

Whether the devil tempted her

By an High Dutch interpreter ;

If either of them had a navel :

Who first made music malleable :

Whether the serpent, at the fiiU,

Had cloven feet, or none at all.

All this, without a gloss, or comment,

He could unriddle in a moment.

In proper terms, such as men smatter

When they throw out, and miss the matter,

14 HUDIBEAS. [part i.

For his Religion, it was fit
To matcli his learning and his wit ;
'Twas Presbyterian, true blue ;
For he was of that stubborn crew
Of errant saints, whom all men grant
To be the true Church INIilitant j
Such as do build their faith upon
The holy text of pike and gun ;
Decide all controversies by
Infallible artillery ;
And prove their doctrine orthodox
By apostolic blows, and knocks ;
Call fire, and sword, and desolation,
A godly, thorough Reformation,
Which always must be carried on,
And still be doing, never done ;
As if Religion were intended
For nothing else but to be mended.
A sect, whose chief devotion lies
In odd perverse antipathies;
In falling out with that or this,
And finding somewhat still amiss;
]\Iore peevish, cross, and splenetic,
Than dog distract or monkey sick.
That with more care keep holy -day
The wrong, than others the right way ;
Compound for sins they are inclined to,
By damning those they have no mind to :
Still so perverse and opposite,
As if they worshipped God for spite.
The self- same thing they will abhor
One way, and long another for.
Free-will they one way disavow,
Another, notliing else allow.
All piety consists therein
In them, in other men all sin.
Rather than fail, they will defy
That which they love most tenderly,
Quarrel with minced-pies, and disparage
. Their best and dearest friend — plum-porridge ;
' Fat pig "and goose itself oppose,

And blaspheme custard through the nose.

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 15

Th' apostles of this fierce religion,

Like Mahomet's, were ass and widgeon,

To whom our knight, by fast instinct

Of wit and temper, was so linked.

As if hypocrisy and nonsense

Had got the advowson of his conscience.

Thus was he gifted and accoutered,
We mean on th' inside, not the outward :
That next of all we shall discuss ;
Then listen. Sirs, it follows thus :
His tawny beard was th' equal grace
Both of his wisdom and his face ;
In cut and die so like a tile,
A sudden view it would beguile ;
The upper part whereof was whey,
The nether orange, mixed with grey.
This hairy meteor did denounce
The fall of sceptres and of crowns ;
With grisly type did represent
Declining age of government,
And tell, with hieroglyphic spade.
Its own grave and the state's were made.
Like Samson's heart-breakers, it grew
In time to make a nation rue ;
Though it contributed its own fall,
To wait upon the public downfall ;
It was canonic, and did grow
In holy orders by strict vow ;
Of rule as sullen and severe
As that of rigid Cordeliere :
'Twas bound to suffer persecution
And martyrdom with resolution ;
T' oppose itself against the hate
And vengeance of th' incensed state,
In whose defiance it was worn.
Still ready to be pulled and torn,
With red-hot irons to be tortured,
Reviled, and spit upon, and nmrtyred :
Maugre all which, 'twas to stand fast,
As long as monarchy should last ;
But when the state should hap to reel,
'Twas to submit to fatal steel,

1 6 HUDIBRAS. [part j:.

And fall, as it was consecrate,

A sacrifice to fall of state,

Whose thread of life the fatal sisters

Did twist together with its whiskers,

And twine so close, that time should never,

In life or death, their fortunes sever ;

But with his rusty sickle mow

Both down together at a blow.

So learned Taliacotius, from

The brawny part of porter's bum,

Cut supplemental noses, which

Would last as long as parent breech :

But when the date of Nock was out,

Off dropped the sympathetic snout.

His back, or rather burthen, showed
As if it stooped with its own load :
For as ^neas bore his sire
Upon his shoulders through the fire,
Our knight did bear no less a pack
Of his own buttocks on his back ;
Which now had almost got the upper-
Hand of his head, for want of crupper.
To poise this equally, he bore
A paunch of the same bulk before,
Which still he had a special care
To keep well-crammed with thrifty fare ;
As white-pot, butter-milk, and curds,
Such as a country-house affords ;
With other victual, which anon
We farther shall dilate upon,
When of his hose we come to treat.
The cupboard where he kept his meat.

His doublet was of sturdy buff,
And though not sword, yet cudgel-proof.
Whereby 'twas fitter for liis use.
Who feared no blows but such as bruise.

His breeches was of rugged woollen,
And had been at the siege of Bullen ;
To old King Harry so well known,
Some writers held they were his own.
Through they were lined with many a piece
Of ammunition bread and cheese,

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. . 7

And fat black-puddings, proper food

For warriors that delight in blood :

For, as we said, he always chose

To carry victual in his hose,

That often tempted rats and mice

The ammunition to surprise ;

And when he put a hand but in

The one or t' other magazine,

They stoutly on defence on't stood,

And from the wounded foe drew blood ;

And till th' were stormed and beaten out,

Ne'er left the fortified redoubt ;

And though knights errant, as some think,

Of old did neither eat nor drink,

Because when thorough deserts vast,

And regions desolate, they passed

Where belly- timber above ground,

Or under, was not to be found,

Unless they grazed, there's not one word

Of their provision on record \

Which made some confidently write.

They had no stomachs but to fight.

'Tis false ; for Arthur wore in hall

Round table like a farthingale.

On which, with shirt pulled out behind,

And eke before, his good knights dined.

Though 'twas no table some suppose

But a hugh pair of round trunk hose,

In which he carried as much meat,

As he and all the knights could cat,

When laying by their swords and truncheons,

They took their breakfasts, or their nuncheons.

But let that pass at present, lest

We should forget where we digressed \

As learned authors use, to whom

We leave it, and to th' purpose come.

His puissant sword unto his side,
Near his undaunted heart, was tied,
With basket-hilt, that would hold broth,
And serve for fight and dinner both.
In it he melted lead lor bullets,
To shoot at foes, and sometimes pullets ;

HUDIBRAS. [part i.

To whom he bore so fell a grutch,

He ne'er gave quarter t' any such.

The trenchant blade, Toledo trusty,

For want of fighting was grown rusty.

And ate into itself, for lack

Of some body to hew and hack.

The peaceful scabbard where it dwelt,

The rancour of its edge had felt ;

For of the lower end two handful

It had devoured, 'twas so manful,

And so much scorned to lurk in case,

As if it durst not show its face.

In many desperate attempts,

Of warrants, exigents, contempts.

It had appeared with courage bolder

Than Sergeant Bum invading shoulder;
Oft had it ta'en possession.
And prisoners too, or made them run.
This sword a dagger had, his page,
That was but little for his age :
And therefore waited on him so,
As dwarfs upon knights errant do.
It was a serviceable dudgeon.
Either for fighting or for drudging :
When it had stabbed, or broke a head,
It would scrape trenchers, or chip bread,
Toast cheese or bacon, though it were
To bait a mouse-trap, 'twould not care :
'Twould make clean shoes, and in the eartli
Set leeks and onions, and so forth :
It had been 'prentice to a brewer,
Where this, and more, it did endure ;
But left the trade, as many more
Have lately done, on the same score.

In th' holsters, at his saddle-bow.
Two aged pistols he did stow,
Among the surplus of such meat
As in his hose he could not get.
These would inveigle rats with th' scent,
To forage when the cocks were bent ;
And sometimes catch 'em with a snap,
As cleverly as th' ablest trap.

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 19

They were upon hard duty still,

And ev'ry night stood sentinel,

To guard the magazine i' th' hose.

From two-legged, and from four-legged foes.

Thus clad and fortified, Sir Knight,
From peaceful home, set forth to fight.
But first, with nimble active force,
He got on th' outside of his horse :
For having but one stirrup tied
T' his saddle on the further side.
It was so short, h' had much ado
To reach it with his desperate toe.
But after many strains and heaves.
He got up to the saddle-eaves,
From whence he vaulted into th' seat,
With so much vigour, strength, and heat,
That he had almost tumbled over
With his own weight, but did recover,
By laying hold on tail and mane.
Which oft he used instead of rein.

But now we talk of mounting steed.
Before we further do proceed.
It doth behove us to say something
Of that which bore our valiant bumpkin.
The beast was sturdy, large, and tall,
With mouth of meal, and eyes of wall ;
I would say eye, for h' had but one,
As most agree, though some say none.
He was well stayed, and in his gait,
Preserved a grave, majestic state;
At spur or switch no more he skipped,
Or mended pace, than Spaniard whipped ;
And yet so fiery, he would bound
As if he grieved to touch the ground ;
That Caisar's horse, who, as fame goes,
Had corns upon his feet and toes.
Was not by half so tender-hoofed.
Nor trod upon the ground so soft;
And as that beast would kneel and stoop.
Some write, to take his rider up,
So Hudibras his, 'tis well-known,
Would often do, to set him down.

20 HUDIBRAS. [part i.

We shall not need to say what lack

Of leather was upon his back ;

For that was hidden under pad,

And breech of knight galled full as bad.

His strutting ribs on both sides showed

Like furrows he himself had ploughed ;

For underneath the skirt of pannel,

'Twixt ev'ry two there was a channel.

His draggling tail hung in the dirt,

Which on his rider he would flurt,

Still as his tender side he pricked,

With armed heel, or with unarmed, kicked;

For Hudibras wore but one spur,

As wisely knowing, could he stir

To active trot one side of 's horse.

The other would not stay his course.

A Squire he had, whose name was Ralph,
That in th' adventure went his half.
Though writers, for more stately tone,
Do call him Ralpho, 'tis all one ;
And when we can, with metre safe.
We'll call him so, if not, plain Ralph ;
For rhyme the rudder is of verses.
With which, like ships, they steer their courses.
An equal stock of wit and valour
He had laid in ; by birth a tailor;
The mighty Tyrian queen that gained,
With subtle shreds, a tract of land,
Did leave it, with a castle fair,
To his great ancestor, her heir ;
From him descended cross-legged knights,
Famed for their faith and warlike fights
Against the bloody Cannibal,
Whom they destroyed both great and smi.ll.
This sturdy Squire had, as well
As the bold Trojan knight, seen hell,
Not with a counterfeited pass
Of golden bough, but true gold-lace.
His knowledge was not far behind
The knight's, but of another kind,
And he another way came by 't ;
Some call it Gifts, and some New-light \

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS.

A liberal art that costs no pains

Of study, industry, or brains.

His wits were sent him for a token,

But in the carriage cracked and broken ;

Like commendation nine-pence crooked

With — To and from my love — it looked.

He ne'er considered it, as loth

To look a gift-horse in the mouth ;

And very wisely would lay forth

No more upon it than 'twas worth :

But as he got it freely, so

He spent it frank and freely too :

For saints themselves will sometimes be,

Of gifts that cost them nothing, free.

By means of this, with hem and cough,

Prolongers to enlighten snuff.

He could deep mysteries unriddle,

As easily as thread a needle :

For as of vagabonds we say,

That they are ne'er beside their way :

VVhate'er men speak by this new light,

Still they are sure to be i' th' right.

'Tis a dark-lantern of the spirit,

Which none can see but those that bear it ;

A light that falls down from on high,

For spiritual trades to cozen by ;

An ignis faiints, that bewitches.

And leads men into pools and ditches,

To make them dip themselves, and sound

For Christendom in dirty pond ;

To dive, like wild-fowl, for salvation,

And fish to catch regeneration.

This light inspires, and plays upon

The nose of saint, like bag-pipe drone,

And speaks, through hollow empty soul,

As through a trunk, or whispering hole,

Such language as no mortal ear

But spirit'al eaves- dropper can hear.

So Phoibus, or some friendly muse,

Into small poets song infuse ;

Which they at second-hand rehearse,

Through reed or bagpipe, verse for verse.

22 HUDIBRAS. [part I.

Thus Ralph became infallible,
As three or four-legged oracle,
The ancient cup, or modern chair ;
Spoke truth point-blank, though unaware.
For mystic learning wondrous able
In magic, talisman, and cabal,
Whose primitive tradition reaches
As far as Adam's first green breeches ;
Deep-sighted in intelligences,
Ideas, atoms, influences,
And much of Terra Incognita,
Th' intelligible world, could say ;
A deep occult philosopher.
As learned as the wild Irish are,
Or Sir Agrippa, for profound
And solid lying much renowned :
He Anthroposophus, and Floud,
And Jacob Behmen, understood ;
Knew many an amulet and charm,
That would do neither good nor harm ;
In Rosicrucian lore as learned,
As he that Vcre adeptits earned :
He understood the speech of birds
As well as they themselves do words ;
Could tell what subtlest parrots mean,
That speak and think contrary clean ;
What member 'tis of whom they talk,
When they cry, ' Rope,' and ' AValk, knave, walk.
He'd extract numbers out of matter,
And keep them in a glass, like water.
Of sovereign power to make men wise ;
For, dropped in blear thick-sighted eyes.
They'd make them see in darkest night,
Like owls, though purblind in the light.
By help of these, as he professed.
He had First Matter seen undressed :
He took her naked, all alone.
Before one rag of form was on.
The Chaos, too, he had descried.
And seen quite through, or else he lied ;
Not that of pasteboard, which men show
For groats, at fair of Barthol'mew,

CANTO I.] HVDIBRAS. 23

But its great grandsire, first o' th' name,

Whence that and Reformation came,

Both cousin-germans, and right able

T' inveigle and draw in the rabble :

But Reformation was, some say,

O' th' younger house to puppet-play.

He could foretel whats'ever was,

By consequence, to come to pass :

As death of great men, alterations,

Diseases, batdes, inundations :

All this without th' eclipse of th' sun,

Or dreadful comet, he hath done

By inward light, a way as good,

And easy to be understood :

But with more lucky hit than those

That use to make the stars depose.

Like Knights o' th' Post, and falsely charge

Upon themselves what others forge ;

As if they were consenting to

All mischiefs in the world men do :

Or, like the devil, did tempt and sway 'em

To rogueries, and then betray 'em.

They'll search a planet's house, to know

Who broke and robbed a house below ;

Examine Venus and the Moon,

Who stole a thimble or a spoon ;

And though they nothing will confess,

Yet by their very looks can guess,

And tell what guilty aspect bodes.

Who stole, and who received the goods :

They'll question IMars, and, by his look,

Detect who 'twas that nimmed a cloak ;

Make Mercury confess, and 'peach

Those thieves which he himself did teach.

They'll find, i' th' physiognomies

O' th' planets, all men's destinies ;

Like him that took the doctor's bill,

And swallowed it instead o' th' pill,

Cast the nativity o' th' question.

And from positions to be guessed on.

As sure as if they knew the moment

Of native's birth, tell what will come on't.

HUDIBRAS. [part I.

They'll feel the pulses of the stars,

To tind out agues, coughs, catarrhs ;

And tell what crisis does divine

The rot in sheep, or mange in swine ;

What gains, or loses, hangs, or saves,

What makes men great, what fools, or knaves ;

But not Avhat wise, for only 'f those

The stars, they say, cannot dispose.

No more than can the astrologians :

There they say right, and like true Trojans.

This Ralpho knew, and therefore took

The other course, of which we spoke.

Thus was th' accomplished Squire endued
With gifts and knowledge per'lous shrewd.
Never did trusty squire with knight,
Or knight with squire, e'er jump more right.
Their arms and equipage did fit.
As well as virtues, parts, and wit :
Their valours, too, were of a rate.
And out they sallied at the gate.

Few miles on horseback had they jogged
But Fortune unto them turned dogged ;
For they a sad adventure met,
Of which anon we mean to treat.
But ere we venture to unfold
Achievements so resolved, and bold,
We should, as learned poets use,
Invoke th* assistance of some muse ;
However critics count it sillier.
Than jugglers talking t'a familiar ;
We think 'lis no great matter whicli.
They're all alike, yet we shall pitch
On one that fits our purpose most,
Whom therefore thus do we accost :—

Thou that with ale, or viler liquors,
Didst inspire Withers, Prynne, and Vickars,
And force them, though it was in spite
Of Nature, and their stars, to write ;
Who, as we find in sullen writs,
And cross-grained works of modern wits,
With vanit}^, opinion, want.
The wonder of the ignorant,

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 25

The praises of the author^ penned
By himself, or wit-insuring friend ;
The itch of picture in the front,
With bays, and wicked rhyme upon 't.
All that is left o' th' forked hill
To make men scribble without skill :
Canst make a poet, spite of fate,
And teach all people to translate, —
Though out of languages, in which
They understand no part of speech ;
Assist me but this once, I 'mplore.
And I shall trouble thee no more.

In western clime there is a town,
To those that dwell therein well known,
Therefore there needs no more be said here,
We unto them refer our reader ;
For brevity is very good,
When w' are, or are not understood.
To this town people did repair
On days of market, or of fair,
And to cracked fiddle, and hoarse tabor,
In merriment did drudge and labour :
But now a sport more formidable
Had raked together village rabble ;
'Twas an old way of recreating,
Which learned butchers call bear-baiting ;
A bold adventurous exercise.
With ancient heroes in high prize \
For authors do affirm it came
From Isthmian and Nemaean game :
Others derive it from the Bear
That's fixed in northern hemisphere,
And round about the pole does make
A circle, like a bear at stake.
That at the chain's end wheels about,
And overturns the rabble- rout :
For after solemn proclamation
In the bear's name, as is the fashion,
According to the. law of arms, j

To keep men from inglorious harms,
That none presume to come so near
As fortx foot of stake of bear ;

26 HUDIBRAS. [part

If any yet be so fool-hardy,

T' expose themselves to vain jeopardy,

If they come wounded off, and lame,

No honour's got by such a maim,

Although the bear gain much, b'ing bound

In honour to make good his ground.

When he's engaged, and takes no notice,

If any press upon him, who 'tis.

But lets them know, at their own cost,

That he intends to keep his post.

This to prevent, and other harms.

Which always wait on feats of arms,

For in the hurry of a fray

'Tis hard to keep out of harm's way.

Thither the Knight his course did steer,

To keep the peace 'twixt dog and bear,

As he believed he was bound to do

In conscience and commission too;

And therefore thus bespoke the Squire :—

' We that are wisely mounted higher
Than constables in curule wit,
When on tribunal bench we sit.
Like speculators, should foresee,
" From Pharos of authority.
Portended mischiefs farther than
Low proletarian tything-men ,
And, therefore, being informed by bruit,
That dog and bear are to dispute, —
For so of late men fighting name,
Because they often prove the same;
For where the first does hap to be.
The last does coincidere; —
QiianUim in nobis, have thought good
To save th' expense of Christian blood,
And try if we, by mediation
Of treaty, and accommodation,
Can end the quarrel, and compose
The bloody duel without blows.

* Are not our liberties, our lives,
Tlie laws, religion, and our wives.
Enough at once to lie at stake
For Cov'nant, and the Cause's sake ?

CANTO I.J HUDIBRAS. 27

But in that quarrel dogs and bears,
As well as we, must venture theirs ?
This feud, by Jesuits invented,
By evil counsel is fomented ;
There is a Machiavelian plot,
Though every nare olfact it not.
And deep design in't to divide
The well-affected that confide,
By setting brother against brother,
To claw and curry one another.
Have we not enemies plus satis,
That cane et a?igiie pejus hate us ?
And shall we turn our fangs and claws
Upon our own selves, without cause ?
That some occult design doth lie
In bloody cynarctomachy.
Is plain enough to him that knows
How saints lead brothers by the nose.
I wish myself a pseudo-prophet.
But sure some mischief will come of it.
Unless by providential wit,
Or force, we averruncate it.
For what design, what interest,
Can beast have to encounter beast ?
They fight for no espoused cause,
Frail privilege, fundamental laws,
Nor for a thorough reformation,
Nor covenant nor protestation.
Nor liberty of consciences.
Nor lords and commons' ordinances ;
Nor for the church, nor for church-lands,
To get them in their own no hands ;
Nor evil counsellors to bring
To justice, that seduce the king ;
Nor for the worship of us men.
Though we have done as much for them.
Th' Egyptians worshipped dogs, and for
Their faith made internecine war.
. Others adored a rat, and some
For that church suffered martyrdom.
The Indians fought for the truth
Of th' elephant and monkey's tooth ;

28 ' HUDIBRAS. [part f.

And many, to defend that faith,

Fought it out 77wrdicus to death.

But no beast ever was so slight,

For man, as for his god, to fight ;

They have more wit, alas ! and know

Themselves and us better than so.

But we, who only do infuse

The rage in them like bouie-fats,

'Tis our example that instils

In them th' infection of our ills.

And so, by our example, cattle

Learn to give one another battle.

We read in Nero's time, the Heathen

When they destroyed the Christian brethren,

They sewed them in the skins of bears,

And then set dogs about their ears ;

From whence, no doubt, th' invention came

Of this lewd antichristian game.'

To this, quoth Ralpho, — ' Verily
The point seems very plain to me ;
It is an antichristian game.
Unlawful both in thing and name.
First, for the name ; the word bear-baiting
Is carnal, and of man's creating ;
For certainly there's no such word
In all the Scripture on record ;
Therefore unlawful, and a sin ;
And so is, secondly, the thing :
A vile assembly 'tis, that can
No more be proved by Scripture, than
Provincial, classic, national ;
Mere human creature-cobwebs all.
Thirdly, it is idolatrous ;
For when men run a-whoring thus
With their inventions, whatsoe'er
The thing be, whether dog or bear,
It is idolatrous and pagan.
No less than worshipping of Dagon.'

Quoth Hudibras, — ' I smell a rat ;
Ralpho, thou dost prevaricate :
For though the thesis which thou lay'st
Be true ad amussim, as thou say'st ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBIIAS. 29

For that bear-baiting should appear,

Jia-e divino, lawfuUer

Than synods are, thou dost deny

Totideni verbis — so do I ;

Yet there's a fallacy in this ;

For if by sly homccosis.

Thou wouldst sophistically imply

Both are unlawful — I deny.'

' And I,' quotli Ralpho, ' do not doubt
But bear-baiting may be made out,
In gospel times, as lawful as is
Provincial, or parochial classis ;
And that both are so near of kin,
And like in all, as well as sin.
That, put 'em in a bag, and shake 'em.
Yourself o' th' sudden would mistake 'em,
And not know which is which, unless
You measure by their wickedness ;
For 'tis not hard t' imagine whether
O' th' two is worst, tho' I name neither.'

Quoth Hudibras, — ' Thou offer'st much,
But art not able to keep touch.
Mira de lente, as 'tis i' th' adage,
Id est, to make a leek a cabbage ;
Thou canst at best but overstrain
A paradox, and thy own brain ;
For what can synods have at all
With bear that's analogical ?
Or what relation has debating
Of church-affairs with bear-bailing?
A just comparison still is
Of things ejiisdem ^s;cncris :
And then what genus rightly doth
Include, and comprehend them both?
If animal, both of us may
As justly pass for bears as they ;
For we are animals no less,
Although of different specieses.
But, Ralpho, this is no fit place,
Nor time, to argue out the case :
For now the field is not far off.
Where we must give the world a proof

39 HUDIBRAS. [part x.

Of deeds, not words, and such as suit

Another manner of dispute :

A controversy that affords

Actions for arguments, not words ;

Which we must manage at a rate

Of prow'ss, and conduct adequate

To wliat our place, and fame doth promise,

And all the godly expect from us.

Nor shall they be deceived, unless

We're slurred and outed by success ;

Success, the mark no mortal wit,

Or surest hand can always hit :

For whatsoe'er we perpetrate,

We do but row, w' are steered by fate,

Which in success oft disinherits.

For spurious causes, noblest merits.

Great actions are not always true sons

Of great and mighty resolutions ;

Nor do the bold'st attempts bring forth

Events still equal to their worth ;
But sometimes fail, and in their stead

Fortune and cowardice succeed.

Yet we have no great cause to doubt.

Our actions still have borne us out ;

Which, though they're known to be so ample,

We need not copy from example ;

We're not the only person durst

Attempt this province, nor the first.

In northern clime a val'rous knight

Did whilom kill his bear in fight,

And wound a fiddler : we have both

Of these the objects of our wroth,

And equal fame and glory from

Th' attempt, or victory to come.

'Tis sung, there is a valiant Mamaluke

In foreign land, yclep'd

To whom we have been oft compared

For person, parts, address, and beard ;

Both equally reputed stout.

And in the same cause both have fought ;

He oft, in such attempts as these,

Came off with glory and success \

CANTO I.] HUDIDRAS. 31

Nor will we fail in th' execution,
For want of equal resolution.
Honour is, like a widow, won
With brisk attempt and putting on ;
With entering manfully and urging,
Not slow approaches, like a virgin.'

This said, as erst the Phrygian knight.
So ours, with rusty steel did smite
His Troj an horse, and just as much
He mended pace upon the touch ;
But from his empty stomach groaned,
Just as that hollow beast did sound.
And angry, answered from behind,
With brandished tail and blast of wind.
So have I seen, with armed heel,
A wight bestride a Common-weal,
While still the more he kicked and spurred,
The less the sullen jade has stirred.

CANTO II.

THE ARGUMENT.

The catalogue and character
Of th' enemies' best men of war,
Wliom, in a bold harangue, the kniglit
Defies and challenges to fight :
H' encounters Talgol, routs the bear,
And takes the fiddler prisoner,
Conveys him to enchanted castle,
There shuts him fast in wooden Bastile.

There was an ancient sage philosopher

That had read Alexander Ross over,

And swore the world, as he could prove,

Was made of fighting, and of love.

Just so romances are, tor what else

Is in them all but love and battles ?

O' th' first of these w' have no great niattei

To treat of, but a world o' th' latter,

In which to do the injured right,

We mean in what concerns just fight,

Certes our authors are to blame,

For to make some well-sounding name

A pattern fit for modern knights

To copy out in frays and fights,

Like those that a whole street do raze,

To build a palace in the place ;

They never care how many others

They kill, without regard of mothers,

Or wives, or children, so they can

Make up some fierce, dead-doing man.

Composed of many ingredient valours,

Just like the manhood of riine tailors :

So a wild Tartar, when he spies

A man that's handscrne, valiant, wise,

If he can kill him, thinks t' inherit

His wit, his beauty, and his spirit ;

CAXTO II.] HUDIBRAS. ^-i^

As if just so much lie enjoyed,
As in another is destroyed :
For when a giant's slain in fight,
And mowed o'erthwart, or cleft downright,
It is a heavy case, no doubt,
A man should have his brains beat out,
Because he's tall, and has large bones,
As men kill beavers for their stones.
But, as for our part, we shall tell
The naked truth of what befel,
And as an equal friend to both
'The knight and bear, but more to troth.
With neither faction shall take part,
But give to each his due desert,
And never coin a formal lie on't.
To make the knight o'ercome the giant.
This b'ing professed, we've hopes enough,
And now go on where we left off.

They rode, but authors having not
Determined whether pace or trot,
That is to say, whether toUutation,
As they do term 't, or succussation,
We leave it, and go on, as now
Suppose they did, no matter how ;
Yet some, from subtle hints, have got
Mysterious light it was a trot :
But let that pass \ they now begun
To spur their living engines on :
For as whipped tops and bandied balls,
The learned hold, are animals ;
So horses they affirm to be
Mere engines made by geometry,
And were invented firsc from engines,
As Indian Britons were from Penguins.
So let them be, and, as I was saying.
They their live engines plied, not staying
Until they reached the fatal champaign
Which th' enemy did then encamp on ;
The dire Pharsalian plain, where battle
Was to be waged 'twixt puissant cattle.
And fierce auxiliary men,
That came to aid their brethren ;

34 HUDIBRAS. [part I.

Who now began to take the field,

As knight from ridge of steel beheld.

For, as our modern v>'its behold,

Mounted a pick-back on the old,

Much further off, much further he

Raised on his ag^d beast, could see ;

Yet not sufficient to descry

All postures of the enemy ;

Wherefore he bids the squire ride further,

T' observe their numbers, and their order ;

That when their motions he had known.

He might know how to fit his own.

Meanwhile he stopped his willing steed.

To fit himself for martial deed :

Both kinds of metal he prepared,

Either to give blows, or to ward ;

Courage within, and steel without,

To give and to receive a rout.

His death-charged pistols he did fit well,

Drawn out from life-preserving victual ;

These being primed, with force he laboured

To free 's blade from retentive scabbard ;

And after many a painful pluck.

He cleared at length the rugged tuck :

Then shook himself, to see that prowess

In scabbard of his arms sat loose \

And, raised upon his desperate foot.

On stirrup-side he gazed about,

Portending blood, like blazing star,

The beacon of approaching war.

The Squire advanced with greater speed.

Than could be expected from his steed \

But far more in returning made ;

For now the foe he had surveyed.

Ranged, as to him they did appear,

With van, main-battle, wings, and rear.

I' th' head of all this warlike rabble,

Crowdero marched expert and able.

Instead of trumpet, and of drum,

That makes the warrior's stomach come.

Whose noise whets valour sharp, like beer

By thunder turned to vinegar ;

CANTO II.] HUD I BRAS. 35

For if a trumpet sound, or drum beat,

Who has not a month's mind to combat ?

A squeaking engine he applied

Unto his neck, on north-east side,

Just where the hangman does dispose,

To special friends, tlie fatal noose :

For 'tis great grace, when statesmen straight

Despatch a friend, let others wait.

His warped ear hung o'er the strings,

Which was but souse to chitterlings :

For guts, some write, ere they are sodden,

Are fit for music, or for pudden ;

From whence men borrow every kind

Of minstrelsy, by string or wind.

His grisly beard was long and thick.

With which he strung his fiddle-stick ;

For he to horse-tail scorned to owe

For what on his own chin did grow.

Chiron, the four-legged bard, had both

A beard and tail of his own growth ;

And yet by authors 'tis averred,

He made use only of his beard.

In Staffordshire, where virtuous worth
Does raise the minstrelsy, not birth.
Where bulls do choose the boldest king
And ruler o'er the men of string,
As once in Persia, 'tis said,
Kings were proclaimed by a horse that neighed ;
He, bravely venturing at a crown,
By chance of war was beaten down,
And wounded sore : his leg, then broke,
Had got a deputy of oak ;
For when a shin in fight is cropped.
The knee with one of timber's propped,
Esteemed more honourable than the other.
And takes place, though the younger brother

Next marched brave Orsin, famous for
Wise conduct, and success in war ;
A skilful leader, stout, severe.
Now marshal to the champion bear.
With truncheon tipped with iron head,
The warrior to the lists he led ;

B 2

HUDIBRAS. [part L

AV^ith solemn march, and stately pace,

But far more grave and solemn face ;

Grave as the Emperor of Pegu,

Or Spanish potentate, Don Diego ;

This leader was of knowledge great,

Either for charge, or for retreat :

Knew when t' engage his bear pell-mell,

And when to bring him off as well.

So lawyers, lest the bear defendant,

And plaintiff dog, should make an end on't,

Do stave and tail with writs of error,

Reverse of judgment, and demurrer,

To let them breathe a while, and then

Cry whoop, and set them on again.

As Romulus a wolf did rear.

So he was dry-nursed l^y a bear,

That fed him with the purchased prey

Of many a fierce and bloody fray ;

Bred up, where discipline most rare is.

In military garden Paris :

E^or soldiers heretofore did grow

In gardens, just as weeds do now,

Until some splay foot politicians

T' Apollo offered up petitions,

For licensing a new invention

They'd found out of an antique engine,

To root out all the weeds, that grow

In public gardens, at a blow.

And leave th' herbs standing. Quoth Sir Sun,

' My friends, that is not to be done.'

' Not done !' quote Statesman ; ' Yes, an't please ye,

When 'tis once known you'll say 'tis easy.'

' Why then let's know it,' quoth Apollo :

' We'll beat a drum, and they'll all follow.'

'A drum !' quoth Phoebus, 'Troth, that's true,

A pretty invention, quaint and new :

But though of voice and instrument

We are th' undoubted president,

We such loud music do not profess,

The devil's master of that office.

Where it must pass ; if 't be a drum,

He'll sign it with Cler, Pari. Dovi. Com. ;

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 37

To him apply yourselves, and he
Will soon despatch you for his fee.'
They did so, but it proved so ill,
They 'ad better let 'era grow there still.

But to resume what we discoursing
Were on before, that is, stout Orsin ;
That which so oft by sundry writers,
Has been applied t' almost all fighters,
More justly may b' ascribed to this
Than any other warrior, viz.
None ever acted both parts bolder,
Both of a chieftain and a soldier.
He was of great descent, and high
For splendour and antiquity,
And from celestial origine.
Derived himself in a right line ;
Not as the ancient heroes did,
Who, that their base-births might be hid,
Knowing they were of doubtful gender,
And that they came in at a windore,
Made Jupiter himself, and others
O' th' gods, gallants to their own mothers,
To get on them a race of champions.
Of which old Homer first made lampoons ;
Arctophylax, in northern sphere,
Was his undoubted ancestor;
From him his great forefathers came,
And in all ages bore his name :
Learned he was in med'cinal lore.
For by his side a pouch he wore.
Replete with strange hermetic powder.
That wounds nine miles point-blank would solder;
By skilful chemists, with great cost.
Extracted from a rotten post ;
But of a heavenlier influence
Than that which mountebanks dispense ;
Though by Promethean fire made,
As they do quack that drive that trade.
For this did healing, and as sure
As that did mischief, this would cure.
Thus virtuous Orsin was endued
With learning, conduct, fortitude

38 tJUDIBRAS. [part 1.

Incomparable ; and as the prince
Of poets, Homer, sung long since,
A skilful leech is better far,
Than half a iiundred men of war ;
So he appeared, and by his skill.
No less than dint of sword, could kill.

The gallant Bruin marched next him,
With visage formidably grim,
And rugged as a Saracen,
Or Turk of INIahomet's own kin,
Clad in a mantle de la guerre
Of rough, impenetrable fur;
And in his nose, like Indian king,
He wore, for ornament, a ring \
About his neck a threefold gorget,
As rough as trebled leathern target ;
Armed, as heralds cant, and langued,
Or, as the vulgar say, sharp-fanged :
For as the teeth in beasts of prey
Are swords, with which they fight in fray.
So swords, in men of war, are teeth,
Which they do eat their victual with.
He was by birth, sonie authors write,
A Russian, some a Muscovite,
And 'mong the Cossacks had been bred,
Of whom we in diurnals read,
That serve to fill up pages here,
As with their bodies ditches there.
Scrimansky was his cousin-german.
With whom he served, and fed on vermin ;
And when these failed, he'd suck his claws.
And quarter himself upon his paws :
And though his countrymen, the Huns,
Did stew their meat between their bums
And th' horses' backs o'er which they straddle,
And ev'ry man ate up his saddle ;
He was not half so nice as they.
But ate it raw when 't came in's way.
He had traced countries far and near,
More than Le Blanc the traveller ;
Who writes, he spoused in India,
Of noble house, a lady gay,

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 39

And got on her a race of worthies,

As stout as any upon earth is.

Full many a fight for him between

Talgol and Orsin oft had been,

Each striving to deserve the crown

Of a saved citizen ; the one

To guard his bear, the other fought

To aid his dog ; both made more stout

By several spurs of neighbourhood,

Church-fellow-membership, and blood ;

But Talgol, mortal foe to cows,

Never got aught of him but blows ;

Blows hard and heavy, such as he

Had lent, repaid with usury.

Yet Talgol was of courage stout,

And vanquislied oftener than he fought :

Inured to labour, sweat, and toil,

And, like a champion, shone with oil :

Right many a widow his keen blade,

And many fatherless, had made ;

He many a boar and huge dun-cow

Did, like another Guy, o'erthrow ;

But Guy, with him in fight compared,

Had like the boar or dun-cow fared :

With greater troops of sheep h' had fought

Than Ajax, or bold Don Quixote ;

And many a serpent of fell kind.

With wings before, and stings behind,

Subdued ; as poets say, long agone,

Bold Sir George Saint George did the dragon.

Nor engine, nor device polemic.

Disease, nor doctor epidemic.

Though stored witli delctery medicines,

Which whosoever took is dead since,

E'er sent so vast a colony

To both the under worlds as he :

For he was of that noble trade

That demi-gods and heroes made,

Slaughter, and knocking on the head,

1 he trade to which they all were bred ;

And is, like others, glorious when

'Tis great and large, but base, if mean ;

40 HUDIBRAS. [part i.

The former rides in triumph for it.
The latter in a two-wheeled chariot,
For daring to prof:ine a thing
So sacred, with so vile bungling.

Next these the bra\ e Magnano came,
Magnano, great in martial fame ;
Yet, when with Orsin he waged fight,
'Tis sung he got but little by't :
"Vet he was fierce as forest-boar,
Whose spoils upon his back he wore,
As thick as Ajax' seven-fold shield,
^^'hich o'er his brazen arms he held ;
But brass was feeble to resist
The fury of his armed fist ;
Nor could the hardest iron hold out
Against his blows, but they would through'L
In niagic he was deeply read,
As he that made the brazen head ;
Profoundly skilled in the black art,
As English Merlin, for his heart ;
But far more skilful in the spheres,
Than he was at the sieve and shears.
He could transform himself to colour,
As like the devil as a collier ;
As like as hypocrites^ in show.
Are to true saints, or crow to crow.
Of warlike engines he was author.
Devised of quick despatch of slaughter \
The cannon, blunderbuss, and saker.
He was th' inventor of, and maker ;
The trumpet and the kettle-drum
Did both from his invention come,
He was the first that e'er did teach
To make, and how to stop, a breach.
A lance he bore with iron pike,
Th' one half would thrust, the other strike ;
And when their forces he had joined.
He scorned to turn his parts behind.

He Trulla loved, Trulla, more bright
Than burnished armour of her knight ;
A bold virago, stout, and tall,
As Joan of France, or English Mall ;

CANTO 11.] HUDIBRAS. 4E

Tlirough perils both of wind and limb,

Through thick and thin she followed him

]n ev'ry adventure h' undertook,

And never him, or it forsook :

At breach of wall, or hedge surprise.

She shared i' th' hazard, and the prize ;

At beating quarters up, or forage,

Behaved herself with matchless courage.

And laid about in fight more busily

Than tlV Amazc^nian Dame Penthesile.

And though some critics here cry Shame,

And say our authors are to blame,

That, spite of all philosophers,

Who hold no females stout but bears.

And heretofore did so abhor

That women should pretend to war,

They would not suffer the stout'st dame,

To swear by Hercules's name ;

Make feeble ladies, in their works,

To fight like termagants and Turks ;

To lay their native arms aside.

Their modesty, and ride astride ;

To run a-tilt at men, and wield

Their naked tools in open field ;

As stout Armida, bold Thalestris,

And she that would have been the mistress

Of Gondibert, but he had grace.

And rather took a country lass ;

They say 'tis false without all sense,

But of pernicious consequence

To government, which they suppose

Can never be upheld in prose ;

Strip nature naked to the skin,

You'll find about her no such thing.

It may be so, yet what we tell

Of TruUa, that's improbable.

Shall be deposed by those have seen't,

Or, what's as good, produced in print ;

And if they will not take our word,

We'll prove it true upon record.

The upright Cerdon next advanc't,
Of all his race the valiant'st ;

42: HUDIBRAS. [part i.

Cerdon the Great, renowned in song,

Like Herc'les, for repair of wrong :

He raised the low, and fortified

The weak against the strongest side :

111 has he read that never hit

On him in muses' deathless writ.

He had a weapon keen and fierce,

That through a bull-hide shield would pierce,

And cut it in a thousand pieces.

Though tougher than the Knight of Greece his,

With whom his black-thumbed ancestor

Was comrade in the ten years' war :

For when the restless Greeks sat down

So many years before Troy town,

And were renowned, as Homer writes,

For well-soled boots no less than fights,

They owed that glory only to

His ancestor, that made them so.

Fast friend he was to reformation,

Until 'twas worn quite out of fashion ;

Next rectifier of wry law,

And would make three to cure one flaw.

Learned he was, and could take note,

Transcribe, collect, translate, and quote ;

But preaching was his chiefest talent,

Or argument, in which being valiant,

He used to lay about and stickle.

Like ram or bull at conventicle :

For disputants, like rams and bulls,

Do fight with arms that spring from skulls,

Last Colon came, bold man of war,
Destined to blows by fatal star ;
Right expert in command of horse,
But cruel, and without remorse.
That which of Centaur long ago
Was said, and has been wrested to
Some other knights, was true of this :
He and his horse were of a piece ;
One spirit did inform them both,
The self-same vigour, fury, wroth ;
Yet he was much the rougher part,
And always had a harder heart,

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 43

Although his horse had been of those
That fed on man's flesh, as fame goes :
Strange food for horse ! and yet, alas !
It may be true, for flesh is grass.
Sturdy he was, and no less able
Than Hercules to clean a stable ;
As great a drover, and as great
A critic too, in hog or neat.
He ripped the womb up of his mother,
Dame Tellus, 'cause she wanted fother,
And provender, wherewith to feed
Himself and his less cruel steed.
It was a question whether he
Or 's horse, were of a family
More worshipful ; 'till antiquaries,
After they'd almost pored out their eyes,
Did very learnedly decide
The business on the horse's side,
And proved not only horse, but cows,
Nay pigs, were of the elder house :
For beasts, when man was but a piece
Of earth himself, did th' earth possess.

These worthies were the chief that led
The combatants each in the head
Of his command, with arms and rage
Ready and longing to engage.
The numerous rabble was drawn out
Of several counties round about,
From villages remote, and shires,
Of east and western hemispheres ;
From foreign parishes and regions,
Of difterent manners, speech, religions,
Came men and mastiffs, some to fight
For fame and honour, some for sight.
And now the field of death, the lists,
Were entered by antagonists,
And blood was ready to be broached,
When Hudibras in haste approached,
With squire and weapons to attack 'em :
But first thus from his horse bespake 'em.

' What rage, O citizens ! what fury
Doth you to these dire actions hurry ?

44 HUDIBRAS. [part I.

What oestrum, what phrenetic mood

Makes you thus lavish of your blood,

While the proud Vies your trophies boast,

And, unrevenged, walks Waller's ghost?

What towns, what garrisons might you,

With hazard of this blood, subdue.

Which now y' are bent to throw away

In vain, untriumphable fray?

Shall sanits in civil bloodshed v/allow

Of saints, and let the Cause lie fallow ?

The Cause, for which we fought and swore

So boldly, shall we now give o'er ?

Then because quarrels still are seen

With oaths and swearings to begin,

The solemn league and covenant

Will seem a mere God-damme rant.

And we that took it, and have fought,

As lewd as drunkards that fall out :

For as we make war for the king

Against himself, the self-same thing

Some Avill not stick to swear, we do

For (jod, and for religion too ;

For if bear-baiting we allow,

What good can reformation do ?

The blood and treasure that's laid out

Is thrown away, and goes for nought.

Are these the fruits o' th' protestation.

The prototype of reformation.

Which all the saints, and some, since mrrtyrs,

Wore in their hats like wedding garters.

When 'twas resolved by their house

Six members' quarrel to espouse ?

Did they for this draw down the rabble,

AVith zeal, and noises formidable ;

And make all cries about the town

Join throats to cry the bishops down ?

Who having round begirt the palace,

As once a month they do the gallows,

As members gave the sign about.

Set up their throats with hideous shout.

When tinkers bawled aloud, to settle

Church-discipline, for patching kettle.

ONTO II.] IIUDIBRAS. 45

No sow-gelder did blow his horn

To geld a cat, but cried Reform.

The oyster-women locked their fish up,

And trudged away to cry No Bishop ;

The mouse-trap men laid save-alls by,

And 'gainst ev'l counsellors did cry ;

Botchers left old clothes in the lurch,

And fell to turn and patch the church ;

Some cried the covenant, instead

Of pudding-pies and ginger-bread ;

And some for brooms, old boots, and s'loes.

Bawled out to purge the Commons house ;

Instead of kitchen-stuft", some cry

A gospel-preaching ministry ;

And some for old suits, coats, or cloak,

No surplices nor service-book :

A strange harmonious inclination

Of all degrees to reformation. - .

And is this all? Is this the end

To which these carr'ings on did tend ?

Hath public faith, like a young heir,

For this tak'n up all sorts of ware,

And run int' every tradesman's book.

Till both turn bankrupts, and are broke ?

Did saints for this bring in their plate,

And crowd, as if they came too late ?

For when they thought_the Cause had need on'r,

Happy was he that could be rid on't.

Did they coin jordens, bowls, and flagons,

Int' officers of horse and dragoons ;

And into pikes and musqueteers

Stamp beakers, cups, and porringers ?

A thimble, bodkin, and a spoon.

Did start up living men, as soon

As in the furnace they were thrown,

Just like the dragon's teeth b'ing sown.

Then was the Cause all gold and plate.

The brethren's offerings, consecrate.

Like th' Hebrew calf, and down before it

The saints fell prostrate, to adore it.

So say the wicked — and will you

Make that sarcasmus scandal true,

46 HUDIBRAS. [part i.

By running after dogs and bears,

Beasts more unclean than calves or steers ?

Have powerful preachers plied their tongues,

And laid themselves out, and their lungs ;

Used all means, both direct and sin'ster,

I' th' pow'r of gospel-preaching min'ster?

Have they invented tones, to win

The women, and make them draw in

The men, as Indians with a female

Tame elephant inveigle the male ?

Have they told Prov'dence what it must do,

Whom to avoid, and whom to trust to :

Discovered th' Enemy's design.

And which way best to countermine ;

Prescribed what ways he hath to work,

Or it will ne'er advance the kirk ?

Told it the news o' th' last express,

And after good or bad success

Made prayers, not so like petitions,

As overtures and propositions.

Such as the army did present

To their creator, the parliament ;

In which they freely will confess.

They will not, cannot acquiesce.

Unless the work be carried on

In the same way they have begun.

By setting church and common-weal

All on a flame, bright as their zeal,

On which the saints were all a-gog,

And all this for a bear and dog ?

The parliament drew up petitions

To 'tself, and sent them, like commissions,

To well-aftected persons, down

In every city and great town,

With power to levy horse and men,

Only to bring them back again ?

For this did many, many a mile,

Ride manfully in rank and file,

W^ith papers in their hats, that showed

As if they to the pill'ry rode !

Have all these courses, these efforts,

Been tried by people of all sorts,

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 47

Velis et remis, omnibtis nervis,

And all t' advance the Cause's service,

And shall all now be thrown away

In petulant intestine fray ?

Shall we, that in the cov'nant swore

Each man of us to run before

Another still in reformation

Give dogs and bears a dispensation ?

How will dissenting brethren relish it?

What will malignants say ? Videlicet,

That each man swore to do his best,

To damn and perjure all the rest ;

And bid the devil take the hin'most,

Which at this race is like to win most.

They'll say our business to reform

The church and state, is but a worm

For to subscribe, unsight, unseen,

T' an unknown church's disipline,

What is it else, but, before-hand,

T' engage, and after understand ?

For when we swore to carry on

The present reformation,

According to the purest mode

Of churches best reformed abroad,

What did we else but make a vow

To do, we knew not what, nor how ?

For no three of us will agree

Where, or what churches these should be ;

And is indeed the self- same case

With theirs that swore ct ceferas ;

Or the French league, in which men vowed

To fight to the last drop of blood.

These slanders will be thrown upon

The Cause and work we carry on.

If we permit men to run headlong

T' exorbitancies fit for Bedlam,

Rather than gospel-walking times.

When slightest sins are greatest crimes.

But we the matter so shall handle,

As to remove that odious scandal.

In name of king and parliament,

I charge ye all, no more foment

43 HUDIBRAS. [i'ART I.

This feud, but keep the peace between
Your brethren and your countrymen ;
And to those places straight repair
Where your respective dwelUngs are :
But to that purpose first surrender
The fiddler, as the prime offender,
Th' incendiary vile, that is chief
Author, and engineer of mischief;
That makes division between friends,
For profane and malignant ends.
He and that engine of vile noise.
On which illegally he plays,
Shall, dictum factum, both be brought
To condign pun'shment, as they ought.
This must be done, and I would fain see
Mortal so sturdy as to gainsay ;
For then Fll take another course.
And soon reduce you all by force.'
This said, he clapped his hand on sword.
To show he meant to keep his word.

But Talgol, who had long suppressed
Inflamed wrath in glowing breast,
Which now began to rage and burn as
Implacably as flame in furnace,
Thus answered him, — ' Thou vermin wretched,
As e'er in measled pork was hatched ;
Thou tail of worship, that dost grow
On rump of justice as of cow ;
How dar'st thou with that sullen luggage
O' thyself, old ir'n, and other baggage.
With which thy steed of bone and leather
Has broke his wind in halting hither ;
How dur'st th', I say, adventure thus
T' oppose thy lumber against us ?
Could thine impertinence find out
No work t' employ itself about,
Where thou, secure from wooden blow,
Thy busy vanity might show?
Was no dispute a foot between
The caterwauling bretheren ?
No subtle question raised among
Those out-o'-their-wits, and those i' th' wrong?

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 49

No prize between these combatants
O' th' times, the land and water saints ;
Where thou mightst stickle, without hazard
Of outrage to thy hide and mazzard,
And not, for want of business, come
To us to be thus troublesome,
To interrupt our better sort
Of disputants, and spoil our sport ?
Was there no felony, no bawd.
Cut-purse, or burglary abroad ?
No stolen pig nor plundered goose,
To tie thee up from breaking loose ?
No ale unlicensed, broken hedge,
For which thou statute mightst allege,
To keep thee busy from foul evil,
And shame due to thee from the devil?
Did no committee sit, Avhcre he
Might cut out journey-work for thee,
And set th' a task, with subornation,
To stitch up sale and sequestration ;
To cheat, with holiness and zeal.
All parties and the common-weal ?
Much better had it been for thee
H' had kept thee where th' art used to be ;
Or sent th' on business any whither,
So he had never brought thee hither :
But if th' hast brain enough in skull
To keep within its lodging whole.
And not provoke the rage of stones,
And cudgels, to thy hide and bones ;
Tremble and vanish while thou may'st,
W^nch I'll not promise if thou stay'st.'

At this the knight grew high in wroth,
And lifting hands and eyes up both,
Three times he smote on stomach stout,
From whence, at length, these words broke out :

' Was I for this entitled Sir,
And girt with trusty sword and spur,
For fame and honour to wage battle,
Thus to be braved by iQ<:^ to cattle ?
Not all the pride that makes thee swell
As big as thou dost blown- up veal ;

50 HUDWRAS. [part I.

Nor all thy tricks and sleights to cheat,
And sell thy carrion for good meat ;
Not all thy magic to repair
Decayed old age, in tough lean ware,
Make natural death appear thy work.
And stop the gangrene in stale pork ;
Not all that force that makes thee proud,
Because by bullock ne'er withstood ;
Though armed with all thy cleavers, knives.
And axes made to hew down lives.
Shall save, or help thee to evade
The hand of justice, or this blade,
Which I, her sword-bearer, do carry,
For civil deed and military.
Nor shall these words, of venom base,
Which thou hast from their native place,
Thy stomach, pumped to fling on me.
Go unrevenged, though I am free :
Thou down the same throat shall devour 'em
Like tainted beef, and pay dear for 'em.
Nor shall it e'er be said that wight
With gauntlet blue and bases white,
And round blunt truncheon by his side,
So great a man-at-arms defied,
With words far bitterer than wormwood.
That would in Job or Grizel stir mood.
Dogs with their tongues their wounds do heal ;
But men with hands, as thou shalt feel.'
This said, with hasty rage he snatched
His gun-shot, that in holsters watched ;
And bending cock, he levelled full
Against th' outside of Talgol's skull ;
Vowing that he should ne'er stir further.
Nor henceforth cow nor bullock murther.
But Pallas came in shape of rust.
And 'twixt the spring and hammer thrust
Her gorgon -shield, which made the cock
Stand stiff, as 'twere turned to a stock.
Meanwhile fierce Talgol gathering might,
With rugged truncheon charged the knight ;
But he, with petronel upheaved,
Instead of shield, the blow received ;

CANTO II. 1 HUD I BR AS.

s»

The gun recoiled as well it might,

Not used to such a kind of fight,

And shrunk from its great master's gripe,

Knocked down, and stunned, with mortal stripe :

Then Hudibras, with furious haste,

Drew out his sword ; yet not so fast,

Eut Talgol first, with hardy thwack,

Twice bruised his head, and twice his back ;

But when his nut-brown sword was out,

Courageously he laid about,

Imprinting many a wound upon

His mortal foe, the truncheon.

The trusty cudgel did oppose

Itself against dead-doing blows.

To guard his leader from fell bane,

And then revenged itself again :

And though the sword, some understood,

In force, had much the odds of wood,

'Twas nothing so ; both sides were balanc't

So equal, none knew which was val'ant'st :

For wood, with honour be'ng engaged.

Is so implacably enraged.

Though iron hew, and mangle sore.

Wood wounds and bruises honour more.

And now both knights were out of breath.

Tired in the hot pursuit of death ;

Whilst all the rest, amazed, stood still,

Expecting which should take, or kill.

This Hudibras observed ; and fretting

Conquest should be so long a-getting.

He drew up all his force into

One body, and that into one blow ;

But Talgol wisely avoided it

By cunning flight ; for had it hit,

The upper part of him the blow

Had slit, as sure as that below.

Meanwhile the incomparable Colon,
To aid his friend, began to fall on ;
Him Ralph encountered, and straight grew
A dismal combat 'twlxt them two ;
Th' one armed with metal, th' other with wood ;
This fit for bruise, and that for blood.

52 HUDIBRAS. [part

With many a stiff thwack, many a bang,

Hard crab-tree, and old iron rang ;

While none that saw them could divine

To which side conquest would incline,

Until Magnano, who did envy

That two should with so many men vie,

By subtle stratagem of brain

Performed what force could ne'er attain,

For he, by foul hap, having found

Where thistles grew on barren ground,

In haste he drew his weapon out,

And having cropped them from the root,

He clapped them under the horse's tail,

With prickles sharper than a nail.

The angry beast did straight resent

The wrong done to his fundament,

Began to kick, and fling, and wince.

As if h' had been beside his sense,

Striving to disengage from thistle.

That galled him sorely under his tail ;

Instead of which he threw the pack

Of squire and baggage from his back ;

And blundering still with smarting rump,

He gave the knight's steed such a thump

As made him reel. The knight did stoop.

And sat on further side aslope.

Tills Talgol viewing, who had now,

By flight, escaped the fatal blow.

He rallied, and again fell to't ;

For catching foe by nearer foot.

He lifted with such might and strength.

As would have hurled him thrice his length,

And dashed his brains, if any, out ;

But Mars, who still protects the stout.

In pudding-time came to his aid,

And under him the bear conveyed ;

The bear, upon whose soft fur-gown

The knight with all his weight fell down.

The friendly rug preserved the ground,

And headlong knight, from bruise or wound :

Like feather-bed betwixt a wall.

And heavy brunt of cannon-ball.

CANTO I!.] HUDIBRAS. 53

As Sancho on a blanket fell,
And had no hurt ; ours fared as well
In body, though his mighty spirit,
B'ing heavy, did not so well bear it.
The bear was in a greater fright,
Beat down, and worsted by the knight ;
He roared, and raged, and flung about,
To shake off bondage from his snout.
His wrr.th inflamed, boiled o'er, and from
His jaws of death he threw the foam ;
Fury in stranger postures threw him,
And more, than ever herald drew him.
He tore the earth, which he had saved
From squelch of knight, and stormed and raved ;
And vexed the more, because the harms
He felt were 'gainst the law of arms :
For men he always took to be
His friends, and dogs the enem.y,
Who never so much hurt had done him
As his own side did falling on him.
It grieved him to the guts, that they,
For whom h' had fought so many a fray,
And served with loss of blood so long.
Should offer such inhuman wrong ;
Wrong of unsoldier-like condition ;
For which he flung down his commission,
And laid about him, till his nose
From thrall of ring and cord broke loose.
Soon as he felt himself enlarged.
Through thickest of his foes he charged,
And made way through th' amazed crew,
Some he o'er-ran, and some o'erthrew.
But took none ; for, by hasty flight,
He strove t' escape pursuit of knight,
From whom he fled with as much haste
And dread, as he the rabble chased.
In haste he fled, and so did they,
Each and his fear a several way.
Crowdero only kept the field,
Not stirring from the place he held.
Though beaten down, and wounded sore,
r th' fiddle, and the leg that bore

54 HUDIBRAS. [part I.

One side of him, not that of bone,
But much its better, th' wooden one.
He spying Hudibras lie strewed
Upon the ground, Uke log of wood,
AVith fright of fall, supposed wound,
And loss of water, in a swound.
In haste he snatched the wooden limb,
That hurt i' th' ankle lay by him,
And fitting it for sudden fight,
Straight drew it up, t' attack the knight,
For getting up on stump and buckle,
He with the foe began to buckle.
Vowing to be revenged for breach
Of crowd and skin, upon the wretch,
Sole author of all detriment
He and his fiddle underwent.

But Ralpho, who had now begun
T' adventure resurrection
From heavy squelch, and had got up
Upon his legs, with sprained crup,
Looking about, beheld the bard
To charge the knight entranced prepared,
He snatched his whinyard up, that fled
When he was falling off his steed,
As rats do from a falling house.
To hide itself from rage of blows ;
And winged with speed and fury, flew
To rescue knight from black and blue.
Which ere he could achieve, his sconce
The leg encountered twice and once ;
And now 'twas raised, to smite again,
When llalpho thrust himself between ;
He took tlie blow upon his arm,
To shield the knight from further harm ;
And, joining wrath with force, bestowed
O' th' wooden member such a load,
That down it fell, and with it bore
Crowdero, whom it propped before.
To him the squire right nimbly run,
And setting conquering foot upon
His trunk, thus spoke : * What desperate frenzy
Made thee, thou whelp of sin, to fancy

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 55

Thyself, and all that coward rabble,

T' encounter us in battle able ?

How durst th', I say, oppose thy curship

'Gainst arms, authority, and worship,

And Hudibras or me provoke.

Though all thy limbs were heart of oak,

And th' other half of thee as good

To bear out blows as that of wood ?

Could not the whipping-post prevail,

With all its rhetoric, nor the jail.

To keep from flaying scourge thy skin,

And ankle free from iron gin ?

Which now thou shalt — but first our care

Must see how Hudibras does fare.'

This said, he gently raised the knight.
And set him on his haunch upright ;
To rouse him from lethargic dump,
He tweaked his nose, with gentle thump
Knocked on his breast, as if 't had been
To raise the spirits lodged within :
They, wakened with the noise, did fly
From inward room, to window eye.
And gently opening lid, the casement.
Looked out, but yet with some amazement.
This gladded Ralpho much to see.
Who thus bespoke the knight : quoth he,
Tweaking his nose, ' You are, great Sir,
A self-denying conqueror ;
As high, victorious, and great,
As e'er fought for the cluuxhes yet.
If you will give yourself but leave
To make out what y' already have ;
That's victory. The foe, for dread
Of your nine-worthiness, is fled.
All, save Crowdero, for whose sake
Vou did th' espoused Cause undertake ;
And he lies prisoner at your feet,
To be disposed as you think meet,
Either for life, or death, or sale,
'J'he gallows, or perpetual jail ;
For one wink of your powerful eye
Must sentence him to live or die.

56 HUDIFRAS. [part i.

IT is fiddle is your proper pnrchrise,

Won in the service of the churches ;

And by your doom must be allowed

To be, or be no more, a crowd ;

For though success did not confer

Just title on the conqueror ;

Though dispensations were not strong

Conclusions, whether right or wrong ;

Although out-goings did confirm,

And owning were but a mere term ;

\et as the wicked have no right

To th' creature, though usurped by might,

The property is in the saint.

From whom th' injuriously detain't ;

Of him they hold their luxuries,

Their dogs, their horses, whores, and dice,

Their riots, revels, masks, delights.

Pimps, buffoons, fiddlers, parasites ;

All which the saints have title to.

And ought t' enjoy, if they'd their due.

What we take from them is no more

Than what was ours by right before ;

For we are their true landlords still,

And they our tenants but at will.'

At this the knight began to rouse.
And by degrees grow valorous :
He stared about, and seeing none
Of all his foes remain but one,
He snatched his weapon that lay near him,
And from the ground began to rear him.
Vowing to make Crowdero pay
For all the rest that ran away.
But Ralpho now, in colder blood,
His fury mildly thus withstood :
'Great Sir,' quoth he, 'your mighty spirit
Is raised too high ; this slave does merit
To be the hangman's business, sooner
Than from your hand to have the honour
Of his destruction ; I that am
A nothingness in deed and name.
Did scorn to hurt his forfeit carcase,
Or ill entreat his fiddle or case :

CANTO n] HIDIBRAS.

Will you, great Sir, that glory blot

In cold blood, which you gained in hot?

Will you employ your conquering sword

To break a fiddle, and j'our word ?

For though I fought and overcame,

And quarter gave, 'twas in your name :

For great commanders ahva}'S own

What's prosperous by the soldier done.

To save, when you have power to kill,

Argues your power above your will ;

And that your will and power have less

Than both might have of selfishness.

This power which, now alive, with dread

He trembles at, if he were dead,

Would no more keep the slave in awe.

Than if you were a knight of straw ;

For death would then be his conqueror,

Not you, and free him from that terror,

If danger from his life accrue.

Ox honour from his death, to you,

'Twere policy and honour too,

To do as you resolved to do :

But, Sir, 'twould wrong your valour much

To say it needs, or fears a crutch.

Great conquerors greater glory gain

By foes in triumph led, than slain :

The laurels that adorn their brows

Are pulled from living, not dead baughs,

And living foes : the greatest fame

Of cripple slain can be but lame :

One half of him's already slain,

The other is not worth your pain ;

Th' honour can but on one side light,

As worship did, when y' were dubbed knight.

Wherefore I think it better far

To keep him prisoner of war ;

And let him fast in bonds abide,

At court of justice to be tried ;

Where if h' appear so bold or crafty,

There may be clanger in his safety :

If any member there dislike

His face, or to his beard have pique ;

58 HUDIBRAS. [part i.

Or if his death will save, or yield

Revenge or fright, it is revealed,

Though he has quarter, ne'ertheless

Y' have power to hang him when you please ;

This has been often done by some

Of our great conquerors, you know whom ;

And has by most of us been held

Wise justice, and to some revealed :

For words and promises, that yoke

The conqueror, are quickly broke ;

Like Samson's cufts, though by liis own

Direction and advice put on.

For if we should fight for the Cause

By rules of military laws.

And only db what they call just,

The Cause would quickly fall to dust.

This we among ourselves may speak ;

But to the wicked or the weak

We must be cautious io declare

Perfection-truths, such as these are.'

This said, the high outrageous mettle
Of knight began to cool and settle.
He liked the squire's advice, and soon
Resolved to see the business done ;
And therefore charged him first to bind
Crowdero's hands on rump behind,
And to its former place, and use,
The wooden member to reduce ;
But force it take an oath before,
Ne'er to bear arms against him more.

Ralpho despatched with speedy haste,
And having tied Crowdero fast,
He gave Sir Knight the end of cord,
To lead the captive of his sword
In triumph, while the steeds he caught,
And them to further service brought.
The squire in state rode on before.
And on his nut-brown v/hinyard bore
The trophy-fiddle and the case,
leaning on shoulder like a mace.
The knight himself did after ride,
Leading Crowdero by his side ;

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 59

And towed him, if he lagged behind.

Like boat against the tide and wind.

Thus grave and solemn they march on,

Until quite through the town they 'ad gone \

At further end at which there stands

An ancient castle, that commands

Th' adjacent parts ; in all the fabric

You shall not see one stone nor a brick,

But all of wood, by powerful spell

Of magic made impregnable :

There's neither iron- bar nor gate,

Portcullis, chain, nor bolt, nor grate ;

And yet men durance there abide,

In dungeon scarce three inches wide ;

With roof so low, that under it

They never stand, but lie or sit ;

And yet so foul, that whoso is in,

Is to the middle-leg in prison ;

In circle magical confined,

With walls of subtle air and wind,

Which none are able to break thorough.

Until they're freed by head of borough.

Thither arrived, th' adventurous knight

And bold squire from their steeds alight

At th' outward wall, near which there stands

A Bastile, built t' imprison hands ;

By strange enchantment made to fetter

The lesser parts, and free the greater :

For tho' the body may creep through,

The hands in grate are fast enow ;

And when a circle 'bout the wrist

Is made by beadle exorcist,

The body feels the spur and switch.

As if 'twere ridden post by witch,

At twenty miles an hour pace,

And yet ne'er stirs out of the place.

On top of this there is a spire,

On which Sir Knight first bids the squire

The fiddle, and its spoils, the case.

In manner of a trophy, place.

That done, they ope the trap-door gate,

And let Crowdero down thereat.

HUDIBRAS. [part

Crowdero making doleful face,
* Like hermit poor in pensive place,'
To dungeon they the wretch commit,
And the survivor of his feet ;
But th' other that had broke the peace,
And head of knighthood, they release,
Though a delinquent false and forged,
Yet being a stranger, he's enlarged ;
While his comrade, that did no hurt,
Is clapped up fast in prison for't.
So justice, while she winks at crimes,
Stumbles on innocence sometimes.

CANTO III,

TUF. ARGUMENT.

The scattered rout return and rally,
Surround the place ; the knight does sally,
And is made prisoner : then ihey seize
Th' enchanted fort by storm, release
Crowdero, and i>ut the squire in's place :
I should have first said liudibras.

Ay me ! what perils do environ
The man that meddles with cold iron !
What plaguy mischiefs and mishaps
Do dog him still with after-claps !
For though dame P'ortune seem to smile,
And leer upon him for a while,
She'll after show him, in the nick
Of all his glories, a dog-trick.
This any man may sing or say
1' th' ditty called, ' What if a day ? '
For Hudibras, who thought he 'ad won
The field, as certain as a gun.
And having routed the whole troop,
With victory was cock-a-hoop ;
Thinking he 'ad done enough to purchase
Thanksgiving-day among the churches,
Wherein his mettle and brave worth
Might be explained by holder-forth,
And registered by fame eternal,
In deathless pages of diurnal ;
Found in few minutes, to his cost,
He did but count without his host ;
And that a turn-stile is more certain
Than, in events of war, dame Fortune.
For now the late faint-hearted rout,
O'erthrown and scattered round about,
Chased by the horror of their fear,
From bloody fray of knight and bear,

62 HUDIBRAS. [part 1.

All but the dogs, who in pursuit
Of the knight's victory stood to't,
And most ignobly fought to get
The honour of his blood and sweat,
Seeing the coast was free and clear
O' the conquered and the conqueror,
Took heart again, and faced about,
As if they meant to stand it out :
For now the half-defeated bear,
Attacked by th' enemy i' th' rear,
Finding their number grew too great
For him to make a safe retreat,
Like a bold chieftain faced about;
But wisely doubting to hold out.
Gave way to fortune, and with haste
Faced the proud foe, and fled, and faced,
Retiring still, until he found
He 'ad got th' advantage of the ground \
And then as valiantly made head
To check the foe, and forthwith fled,
Leaving no art untried, nor trick
Of warrior stout and politic.
Until, in spite of hot pursuit.
He gained a pass, to hold dispute
On better terms, and stop the course
Of the proud foe. With all his force
He bravely charged, and for a while
Forced their whole body to recoil ;
But still their numbers so increased,
He found himself at length oppressed.
And all evasions so uncertain.
To save himself for better fortune,
That he resolved, rather than yield,
To die with honour in the field,
And sell his hide and carcase at
A price as high and desperate
As e'er he could. This resolution
He forthwith put in execution.
And bravely threw himself among
Th' enemy, i' th' greatest throng ;
But what could single valour do,
Against so numerous a foe ?

■■^

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 63

Yet much lie did, indeed too much

To be believed, where th' odds were such

But one against a multitude.

Is more than mortal can make good :

For wliile one party he opposed,

His rear was suddenly enclosed.

And no room left him for retreat,

Or fight against a foe so great.

For now the mastiffs, charging home,

To blows and handy-gripes were come ;

While manfully himself he bore.

And, setting his right foot before,

He raised himself to show how tall

His person was above them all.

This equal shame and envy stirred

In th' enemy, that one should beard

So many warriors, and so stout,

As he had done, and staved it out,

Disdaining to lay down his arms,

And yield on honourable terms.

Enraged thus, some in the rear

Attacked him, and some everywhere,

Till down he fell ; yet falling fought,

And, being down, still laid about j

As Widdrington, in doleful dumps,

Is said to fight upon his stumps.

But all, alas ! had been in vain.
And he inevitably slain,
If Trulla and Cerdon, in the nick,
To rescue him had not been quick :
For Trulla, who was light of foot,
As shafts which long-field Parthians shoot,
But not so light as to be borne
Upon the ears of standing corn.
Or trip it o'er the water quicker
Than witches, when their staves they liquor,
As some report, was got among
The foremost of the martial throng ;
There pitying the vanquished bear.
She called to Cerdon, who stood near,
Viewing the bloody fight ; to whom,
' Shall we/ quoth she, ' stand still hum-drum,

64 HUDIBRAS. [pari i.

And see stout bruin, all alone,
By numbers basely overthrown?
Such feats already he 'as achieved,
In stor}' not to be believed,
And 'twould to us be shame enough,
Not to attempt to fetch him off.'

' I would,' quoth he, ' venture a limb
To second thee, and rescue him ;
But then we must about it straight,
Or else our aid will come too late ;
Quarter he scorns, he is so stout.
And therefore cannot long hold out.'
This said, they waved their weapons round
About their heads, to clear the ground,
And joining forces, laid about
So fiercely, that th' amazed rout
Turned tail again, and straight begun.
As if the devil drove, to run.
Meanwhile th' approached th' place where bruin
Was now engaged to mortal ruin :
The conquering foe they soon assailed,
First TruUa staved, and Cerdon tailed,
Until their mastiffs loosed their hold ;
And yet, alas ! do what they could,
The worsted bear came off with store
Of bloody wounds, but all before :
For as Achilles, dipped in pond,
Was anabaptized free from wound,
Made proof against dead-doing steel
All over, but the pagan heel ;
So did our champion's arms defend
All of him but the other end.
His head and ears, which in the martial
Encounter lost a leathern parcel ;
For as an Austrian archduke once
Had one ear, which in ducatoons
Is half the coin, in battle pared
Close to his head, so bruin fared ;
But tugged and pulled on th' other side,
Like scrivener newly crucified ;
Or like the late-collected leathern
Ears of the circumcised bre.t!ire.n.

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 65

But gentle Trulla into th' ring

He wore in's nose conveyed a string,

With which she marched before, and led

The warrior to a grassy bed,

As authors write, in a cool shade.

Which eglantine and roses made;

Close by a softly-murmuring stream,

Where lovers used to loll and dream ;

There leaving him to his repose,

Secured from pursuit of foes,

And wanting nothing but a song,

And a well-tuned theorbo hung

Upon a bough to ease the pain

His tugged ears suffered, with a strain.

They both drew up, to march in quest

Of his great leader, and the rest.

For Orsin, who was inore renowned
For stout maintaining of his ground
In standing fights, than for pursuit.
As being not so quick of foot,
Was not long able to keep pace
With others that pursued the chase,
But found himself left far behind,
Both out of heart and out of wind.
Grieved to behold his bear pursued
So basely by a multitude,
And like to fall, not by the prowess,
But numbers, of his coward foes,
He raged, and kept as heavy a coil as
Stout Hercules for loss of Hylas ;
Forcing the vallies to repeat
The accents of his sad regret :
He beat his breast, and tore his hair,
For loss of his dear crony bear ;
That Echo, from the hollow ground,
His doleful waihngs did resound
More wistfully, by many times,
Than in small poets splay-foot rhymes,
That make her, in their ruthful stories,
To answer to int'rogatories.
And most unconscionably depose
To things of v/hich she nothing knows ;

66 HUDIBRAS. [part l.

And when she has said all she can say,
'Tis wrested to the lover's fancy.
Quoth he, ' O whither, wicked Bruin,
Art thou fled ? to my ' — Echo, Rtdn.

* I thought th' hadst scorned to budge a step
For fear.' Qnoth Echo, Marry guejy.

' Am I not here to take thy part ?

Then what has quailed thy stubborn heart ?

Have these bones rattled, and this head

So often in thy quarrel bled?

Nor did I ever winch or grudge it

For thy dear sake.' Quoth she, Mum budget.

* Think'st thou 'twill not be laid i' th' dish
Thou turn'dst thy back ? ' Quoth Echo, Fish.
' To run from those th' hadst overcome
Thus cowardly ? ' Quoth Echo, Mum.

* But what a vengeance makes thee fly
From me too, as thine enemy ?

Or, if thou hast no thought of me.
Nor what I have endured for thee,
Yet shame and honour might prevail
To keep thee thus from turning tail :
For who would grutch to spend his blood in
His honour's cause ? ' Quoth she, A Puddin.
This said, his grief to anger turned.
Which in his manly stomach burned ;
Thirst of revenge, and wrath, in place
Of sorrow, now began to blaze.
He vowed the authors of his woe
Should equal vengeance undergo ;
And with their bones and flesh pay dear
For what he suffered, and his bear.
This be'ng resolved, with equal speed
And rage he hasted to proceed
To action straight, and giving o'er
To search for bruin any more,
He went in quest of Hudibras,
To find him out where'er he was ;
- And, if he were above ground, vowed
He'd ferret him, lurk where he would.

But scarce had he a furlong on
This resolute adventure gone.

CANio III.] HUDIBRAS. 67

When he encountered with that crew
Whom Hudibras did late subdue.
Honour, revenge, contempt and shame,
Did equally their breasts inflame.
'Mong these the fierce Magnano was,
And Talgol, foe to Hudibras ;
Cerdon and Colon, warriors stout,
And resolute, as ever fought ;
Whom furious Orsin thus bespoke :
' Shall we,' quoth he, ' thus basely brook
The vile affront that paltry ass.
And feeble scoundrel, Hudibras,
With that more paltry ragamuffin,
Ralpho, with vapouring and huffing,
Have put upon us, like tame cattle,
As if th' had routed us in battle ?
For my part, it shall ne'er be said
I for the washing gave my head :
Nor did I turn my back for fear
Of them, but losing of my bear.
Which now I'm like to undergo ;
For whether these fell wounds, or no,
He has received in fight, are mortal.
Is more than all my skill can fortel ;
Nor do I know what is become
Of him, more than the Pope of Rome :
But if I can but find them out
That caused it, as I shall no doubt.
Where'er th' in hugger-mugger lurk,
I'll make them rue their handy-work,
And wish that they had rather dared
To pull the devil by the beard.'

Quoth Cerdon, ' Noble Orsin, th' hast
Great reason to do as thou say'st.
And so has every body here,
As well as thou hast, or thy bear :
Others may do as they see good ;
But if this twig be made of wood
That will hold tack, I'll make the fur
Fly 'bout the ears of that old cur.
And th' other mongrel vermin, Ralph,
That braved us all in his behalf.

68 HUDIBRAS. [part i.

Thy bear is safe, and out of peril,

Though lugged indeed, and wounded very ill \

Myself and TruUa made a shift

To help him out at a dead lift ;

And having brought him bravely off,

Have left him where he's safe enough :

There let him rest ; for if we stay,

The slaves may hap to get away.'

This said, they all engaged to join
Their forces in the same design,
And forthwith put themselves in search
Of Hudibras upon their march :
Where leave we tliem a while, to tell
What the victorious knight befel ;
For such, Crowdero being fast
In dungeon shut, we left him last.
Triumphant laurels seemed to grow
No where so green as on his brow ;
laden with which, as well as tired
With conquering toil, he now retired
Unto a neighbouring castle by,
To rest his body, and ajjply
Fit medicines to each glorious bruise
He got in fight, reds, blacks, and blues ;
To mollify th' uneasy pang
Of every honourable bang.
Which being by skilful midwife dressed,
He laid him down to take his rest.

But all in vain : he 'ad got a hurt
O' th' inside, of a deadlier sort.
By Cupid made, who took his stand
Upon a widow's jointure land,
For he, in all his amorous battles,
No 'dvantage finds like goods and chattels,
Drew home his bow, and aiming right,
Let fly an arrow at the knight ;
The shaft against a rib did glance.
And gall him in the purtenance ;
But time had somewhat 'suaged his pain,
After he found his suit in vam :
For that proud dame, for whom his soul
W^s burnt i.n's belly like a coal,

CANTO III] HUDIBRAS. 69

That belly that so oft did ache,

And suffer gripuig for her sake,

Till purging comfits, and ants' eggs,

Had almost brought him off his legs,

Used him so like a base rascallion,

That old Pyg — what d' y' call him — maiion,

That cut his mistress out of stone,

Had not so hard a hearted one.

She had a thousand jadish tricks,

Worse than a mule that flings and kicks ;

'Along which one cross-grained freak she had.

As insolent as strange and mad ;

She could love none but only such

As scorned and hated her as much.

'Twas a strange riddle of a lady ;

Not love, if any loved her : hey day !

So cowards never use their might.

But against such as will not fight.

So some diseases have been found

Only to seize upon the sound.

He that gets her by heart, must say her

The back way, like a witch's prayer.

Meanwhile the knight had no small task

To compass what he durst not ask :

He loves, but dares not make the motion ;

Her ignorance is his devotion :

Like caitiff vile, that for misdeed

Rides with his face to rump of steed;

Or rowing scull, he's fain to love,

Look one way, and another move ;

Or like a tumbler, that does play

His game, and looks another way,

Until he seize upon the coney ;

Just so does he by matrimony.

But all in vain ; her subtle snout

Did quickly wind his meaning out ;

Which she returned with too much scorn,

To be by man of honour borne ;

Yet much he bore, until the distress

He suffered from his spiteful mistress

Did stir his stomach, and the pain

He had endured from her disdain

70 HUDIBRAS. [part i.

Turned to regret so resolute,

That he resolved to wave his suit,

And either to renounce her quite,

Or for a while play least in sight.

This resolution being put on,

He kept some months, and more had done,

But being brought so nigh by fate,

The victory he achieved so late

Did set his thoughts agog, and ope

A door to discontinued hope.

That seemed to promise he might win

His dame too, now his hand was in ;

And that his valour, and the honour

He 'ad newly gained, might work upon her-.

These reasons made his mouth to water

With amorous longings to be at her.

Thought he, unto himself, — Who knows
But this brave conquest o'er my foes
Tvlay reach her heart, and make that stoop,
As I but now have forced the troop ?
If nothing can oppugne love,
And virtue invious ways can prove,
What may not he confide to do
That brings both love and virtue too ?
But thou bring'st valour, too, and wit,
Two things that seldom fail to hit.
Valours a mouse- trap, with a gin,
Which women oft are taken in :
Then, Hudibras, why shouldst thou fear
To be, that art a conqueror }
Fortune the audacious ^o\\\ juvare,
But lets the timidous miscarry :
Then, while the honour thou hast got
Is spick and span new, piping hot.
Strike her up bravely thou hadst best,
And trust thy fortune with the rest.
Such thoughts as these the knight did keep
More than his bangs, or fleas, from sleep ;
And as an owl, that in a barn
Sees a mouse creeping in the corn,
Sits still, and shuts his round blue eyes,
As if he slept, until he spies

CANTO III.] HUDTBRAS, 71

The little beast within his reach,
Then starts, and seizes on the wretch ;
So from his couch the knight did start,
To seize upon the widow's heart,
Crying, with hasty tone and hoarse,
'Ralpho, despatch, to horse, to horse !'
And 'twas but time ; for now the rout.
We left engaged to seek him out,
By speedy marches were advanced.
Up to the fort where we ensconced,
And all th' avenues had possessed.
About the place, from east to west.

That done, a while they inade a halt.
To view the ground, and where t' assault :
Then called a council, which was best.
By siege, or onslaught, to inve-st
The enemy ; and 'twas agreed
By storm and onslaught to proceed.
This being resolved, in comely sort
They now drew up t' attack the fort ;
When Hudibras, about to enter
Upon another-gates adventure,
To Ralpho called aloud to arm,
Not dreaming of approaching storm.
Whether dame Fortune, or the care
Of angel bad, or tutelar.
Did arm, or thrust him on a danger,
To which he was an utter stranger.
That foresight miglit, or might not, blot
The glory he had newly got ;
Or to his shame it might be said,
They took him napping in his bed ;
To them we leave it to expound,
That deal in sciences profound.

His courser scarce he had bestrid.
And Ralpho that on which he rid,
When setting ope the postern gate,
Which they thought best to sally at.
The foe appeared, drawn up and drilled,
Ready to charge them in the field.
This somewhat startled the bold knight, '^

Surprised with th' unexpected sight :

72 HUD I BRAS. [part t.

The bruises of his bones and flesh

He thought began to smart afresh;

Till recollecting wonted courage,

His fear was soon converted to rage.

And thus he spoke : ' The coward foe,

Whom we but now gave quarter to,

Look, yonder 's rallied, and api)ears

As if they had out-run their fears j

The glory we did lately get,

The Fates command us to repeat ;

And to their wills we must succumb,

Qiiocunque trahu/if, 'tis our doom.

This is the same numeric crew

Which we so lately did subdue ;

The self-same individuals that

Did run, as mice do from a cat,

When we courageously did wield

Our martial weapons in the field,

To tug for victory : and when

We shall our shining blades again

Brandish in terror o'er our heads.

They'll straight resume their wonted dreads.

Fear is an ague, that forsakes

And haunts, by fits, those whom it takes ;

And they'll opine they feel the pain

And blows they felt to-day, again.

Then let us boldly charge them home,

And make no doubt to overcome.'

This said, his courage to inflame,
He called upon his mistress' name.
His pistol next he cocked a-new,
And out his nut-brown whinyard drew;
And placing Ralpho in the front,
Reserved himself to bear the brunt,
As expert warriors use ; then ])lied,
With iron heel, his courser's side,
Conveying sympathetic speed
From heel of knight to heel of steed.

Meanwhile the foe, with equal rage
And speed advancing to engage,
Both parties now were drawn so close,
Almost to come to handy- blows ;

CANTO III] HUDIDRAS. 73

When Orsin first let fly a stone

At Ralpho ; not so huge a one

As that which Diomed did maul

^neas on the back wilhal ;

Yet big enough, if rightly hurled,

T' have sent him to another world,

Whether above ground, or below,

Which saints, twice dipped, are destined to.

The danger startled the bold squire,

And made him some few steps retire ;

But Hudibras advanced to 's aid,

And roused his spirits half dismayed :

He wisely doubting lest the shot

O' th' enemy, now growing hot,

Might at a distance gall, pressed close

To come, pell-mell, to handy- blows,

And that he miglit their aim decline,

Advanced still in an oblique line ;

But prudently forebore to fire.

Till breast to breast he had got nigher;

As expert warriors use to do,

When hand to hand they charge their foe.

This order the adventurous knight,

Most soldier-like, observed in fight,

When Fortune, as she's wont, turned fickle,

And for the foe began to stickle.

The more shame for her goodyship

To give so near a friend the slip.

For Colon, choosing out a stone.

Levelled so right, it thumped upon

His manly paunch, with such a fore?,

As almost beat him off his hoi?e.

He loosed his whinyard, and die rein.

But laying fost hold on the mane,

Preserved his seat : and, as a goose

In death contracts his talons close.

So did the knight, and with one claw

The trigger of his pistol draw.

The gun went off; and as it was

Still fatal to stout Hudibras,

In all his feats of arms, when least

He dreamt of jt, to prosper best.

74 HUDIBRAS. [part i.

So now he fared : the shot, let fly
At random, 'mong the enemy,
Pierced Talgol's gaberdine, and grazing
Upon his shoulder, in the passing
Lodged in Magnano's l.irass habergeon,
Who straight, ' A surgeon ! ' cried — ' A surgeon ! '
He tumbled down, and, as he fell,
Did ' Murther ! murther! murther!' yell.
This startled their whole body so,
That if the knight had not let go
His arms, but been in warlike plight,
He 'ad won, the second time, the fight ;
As, if the squire had but fallen on,
He had inevitably done :
But he, diverted with the care
Of Hudibras his wound, forbare
To press th' advantage of his fortune,
While danger did the rest dishearten.
For he with Cerdon being engaged
In close encounter, they both waged
The fight so well, 'twas hard to say
Which side was like to get the day.
And now the busy work of death
Had tired them so, they 'greed to breathe,
Preparing to renew the fight.
When the disaster of the knight,
And th' other party, did divert
Their fell intent, and forced them part.
Ralpho pressed up to Hudibras,
And Cerdon where Magnano was,
Each striving to confirm his party
With stout encouragements and hearty.
Quoth Ralpho, ' Courage, valiant Sir,
And let revenge and honour stir
Your spirits up ; once more fall on,
The shattered foe begins to run :
For if but half so well you knew
To use your victory as subdue.
They durst not, after such a blow
As you have given them, face us now ;
But from so formidable a soldier,
Had fled like crows when they smell powder.

CANTO III.] HUDIDRAS. 75

Thrice have they seen your sword aloft
Waved o'er their heads^ and fied as oft ;
But if you let them re-collect
Their spirits, now dismayed and checked,
You'll have a harder game to play,
Than yet ye 'ave had, to get the day.'

Thus spoke the stout squire, but was heard
By Hudibras with small regard.
His thoughts were fuller of the bang
He lately took, than Ralph's harangue;
To which he answered, ' Cruel fate
Tells me thy counsel comes too late.
The clotted blood within my hose,
That from my wounded body flows,
With mortal crisis doth portend
My days to appropinque an end.
I am for action now unfit,
Either of fortitude or wit ;
Fortune, my foe, begins to frown.
Resolved to pull my stomach down.
I am not apt, upon a wound,
Or trivial basting, to despond ;
Yet I'd be loth my days to curtail ;
For if I thought my wounds not mortal,
Or that w' had time enough as yet
To make an honourable retreat,
'Twere the best course ; but if they find
We fly, and leave our arms behind
For them to seize on, the dishonour,
And danger too, is such, I'll sooner
Stand to it boldly, and take quarter,
To let them see I am no starter.
In all the trade of war no feat
Is nobler than a brave retreat :
For those that run away, and fly.
Take place at least o' th' enemy.'

This said, the squire, with active speed,
Dismounted from his bony steed,
To seize the arms, which, by mischance,
Fell from the bold knight in a trance.
These being found out, and restored
To Hudibras, their natural lord,

76 JIUDIBRAS. [part f.

As a man may say, with raiyht and main
He hasted to get up again.
Thrice he essayed to mount aloft ;
But, by his weighty rear, as oft
He was pulled back ; till having found
Th' advantage of the rising ground,
Thither he led his warlike steed.
And having placed him right, with speed
Prepared again to scale the beast,
When Orsin, who had newly dressed
The bloody scar upon the shoulder
Of Talgol, with Promethean powder,
And now was searching for the shot
That laid Magnano on the spot.
Beheld the sturdy squire aforesaid
Preparing to climb up his horse-side
He left his cure, and laying hold
Upon his arms, with courage bold
Cried out, ' 'Tis now no time to dally,
The enemy begin to rally ;
Let us that are unhurt and whole
Fall on, and happy man be's dole.'
This said, like to a thunderbolt,
He flew with fury to th' assault,
Striving th' enemy to attack
Before he reached his horse's back.
Ralpho was mounted now, and gotten
O'erthwart his beast with active vaulting,
Wriggling his body to recover
His seat, and cast his right leg over ;
When Orsin, rushing in, bestowed
On horse and man so heavy a load.
The beast was startled, and begun
To kick and lling like mad, and run.
Bearing the tough squire, like a sack,
Or stout king Richard, on his back;
Till stumbleing, he threw him down,
Sore bruised, and cast into a swoon.
Meanwhile the knight began to rouse
The sparkles of his wonted prow'ss ;
He thrust his hand into his hc'se,
And found, both by his eyes and nose,

CANTO iii.l HUDIDRAS.

77

'Twas only choler, and not blood,

That from his wounded body flowed.

This, with the hazard of the squire,

Inflamed him with despiteful ire ;

Courageously he faced about.

And drew his other pistol out, r

And now had half way bent the cock, 1

When Cerdon gave so fierce a shock, •

With sturdy truncheon, 'thwart his arm,

That down it fell, and did no harm ;

Then stoutly pressing on with speed.

Essayed to pull him oft' his steed.

The knight his sword had only left,

With which he Cerdon's head had cleft,

Or at the least cropped oft" a limb,

But Orsin came, and rescued him.

He with his lance attacked the knight

Upon his quarters opposite:

But as a bark that in foul weather,

Tossed by two adverse winds together,

Is bruised and beaten to and fro.

And knows not whicli to turn him to ;

So fared the knight between two foes.

And knew not which of them t' oppose ;

Till Orsin, charging with his lance

At Hudibras, by spiteful chance

Hit Cerdon such a bang, as stunned

And laid him flat upon the ground.

At this the knight began to cheer up.

And, raising up himself on stirrup.

Cried out, ' Victoria ! lie thou there.

And I shall straight despatch another k

To bear thee company in death ;

But first I'll halt a while, and breathe.'

As well he might ; for Orsin, grieved

At the wound that Cerdon had received,

Ran to relieve him with his lore.

And cure the hurt he gave before.

Meanwhile the knight had wheeled about,

To breathe himself, and next find out

Th' advantage of the ground, where best

He misrht the ruffled foe infest.

78 HUDIBRAS. \v\\i\:

This being resolved, lie spurred his pteed,
To run at Orsin with full speed,
While he was busy in the care
Of Cerdon's wound, and unaware ;
But he was quick, and had already
Unto the part appHed remedy ;
And seeing the enemy prepared,
Drew up, and stood upon his guard ;
Then, like a warrior, right expert
And skilful in the martial art,
The subtle knight straight made a halt,
And judged it best to stay th' assault,
Until he had relieved the squire,
And then, in order, to retire ;
Or, as occasion should invite.
With forces joined renew the fight.
Ralpho, by this time disentranced,
Upon his rear himself advanced.
Though sorely bruised ; his limbs all o'er,
With ruthless bangs were stiff and sore :
Right fain he would have got upon
His feet again, to get him gone;
When Hudibras to aid him came.

Quoth he, and called him by his name,

' Courage, the day at length is ours.

And we once more, as conquerors.

Have both the field and honour won,

The foe is profligate, and run ;

I mean all such as can, for some

This hand hath sent to their long home ;

And some lie sprawling on the ground,

With many a gash and bloody wound.

Caesar himself could never say.

He got two victories in a day.

As I have done, that can say, twice I,

In one day Veni^ vidi, rid.

The foe's so numerous, that we

Cannot so often vincerc,

And they pcrire, and yet enow

Be left to strike an after-blow ;

Then, lest they rally, and once more

Put us to fight the business o'er,

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 79

Get up, and mount thy steed ; despatch,
And let us both their motions watch.'

Quoth Ralpli, ' I should not, if I were
In case for action, now be here ;
Nor have I turned my back, or hanged
A back, for fear of being banged.
It was for you I got these harms,
Adventuring to fetch off your arms.
The blows and drubs I have received,
Have bruised my body, and bereaved
My limbs of strength : unless you stoop,
And reach your hand to pull me up,
I shall lie here, and be a prey
To those who are now run away.'

' That thou shalt not,' quoth Hudibras ;
' We read, the ancients held it was
Nore honourable far servare
Civem, than slay an adversary ;
The one we oft to-day have done,
The other shall despatch anon :
And though th' art of a different church,
I will not leave thee in the lurch.'
This said, he jogged his good steed nigher.
And steered him gently t'wards the squire ;
Then bowing down his body, stretched
His hand out, and at Ralpho reached ;
When TruUa, whom he did not mind,
Charged him like lightening behind.
She had been long in search about
Magnano's wound, to find it out ;
But could find none, nor where the shot
That had so startled him was got :
But having found the worst was passed.
She fell to her own work at last,
The pillage of the prisoners,
Which in all feats of arms was hers ;
And now to plunder Ralph she flew.
When Hudibras his hard fate drew
To succour him ; for as he bowed
To help him up, she laid a load
Of blows so heavy, and placed so well,
On th' other side, that down he fell.

So HUDIBRAS. [r><.RT r.

' Yield, scoundrel base,' quoth she, 'or die,
Thy life is mine, and liberty ;
But if thou think'st I took thee tardy
And dar'st presume to be so hardy,
To try thy fortune o'er a-fresh,
I'll wave my title to thy flesh,
Thy arms and baggage, now my right,
And if thou hast the heart to try't,
I'll lend thee back thyself a while,
And once more, for that cnrcase vile,
Fight upon tick.' — Quoth Hudibras,
' Thou offer'st nobly, valiant lass,
And I shall take thee at thy word.
First let me rise and take my sword ,
That sword, which has so oft this day
Through squadrons of my foes made way.
And some to other worlds despatched,
Now with a feeble spinster matched.
Will blush, with blood ignoble stained,
By which no honour's to be gained.
But if thou'lt take m' advice in this.
Consider, while thou mayst, what 'tis
To interrupt a victor's course,
B' opposing such a trivial force.
For if with conquest I come off,
And that I shall do sure enough,
Quarter thou canst not have, nor grace,
By law of arms, in such a case ;
Both which I now do offer freely.'
' I scorn,' quoth she, ' thou coxcomb silly,'
Clapping her hand upon her breech,
To show how much she prized his speech,
* Quarter or counsel from a foe ;
If thou canst force me to it, do.
But lest it should again be said.
When I have once more won thy head,
I took thee napping, unprepared.
Arm, and betake thee to thy guard.'

This said, she to her tackle fell.
And on the knight let fall a peal
Of blows so fierce, and pressed so near,
That he retired, and followed 's rear.

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 8i

* Stand to't,' quoth she, ' or yield to nierc}-,

It is not fighting versie-versie

Shall serve they turn.' — This stirred his spleen

More than the danger he was in,

The blows he felt, or was to feel,

Although th' already made him reel.

Honour, despite, revenge, and shame,

At once into his stomach came ;

Which fired it so, he raised his arm

Above his head, and rained a storm

Of blows so terrible and thick.

As if he meant to hash her quick.

But she upon her truncheon took them.

And by oblique diversion broke them ;

Waiting an opportunity

To pay back all with usury,

Which long she failed not of; for now

The knight with one dead-doing blow,

Resolving to decide the fight.

And she with quick and cunning sleight

Avoiding it, the force and weight

He charged upon it was so great,

As almost swayed him to the ground :

No sooner she th' advantage found,

But in she flew ; and seconding,

With home-made thrust, the hta.y swing,

She laid him flat upon his side,

And mounting on his trunk a-stride.

Quoth she, ' I told thee what would come

Of all thy vapouring, base scum.

Say, will the law of arms allow

I may have grace, and quarter now ?

Or wilt thou rather break thy word.

And stain thine honour, than thy sv, orJ ?

A man of war to damn his soul,

In basely breaking his parole.

And when before the fight, \\\ hadst vowed

To give no quarter in cold blood ;

Now thou hast got mc for a Tartar,

To make m' against my will take quarter;

Wliy dost not put me to the sword,

But cowardly fly from thy v/ord ? '

82 HUDIBRAS. [part i.

Quoth Hudibras, ' The day's thine own ;
Thou and thy stars have cast me down :
My laurels are transplanted now,
And flourish on thy conquering brow :
My loss of honour's great enough,
Thou need'st not brand it with a scoff":
Sarcasms may eclipse thine own,
But cannot blur my lost renown :
I am not now in Fortune's power,
He that is down can fall no lower.
The ancient heroes were illustr'ous
For being benign, and not blustrous
Against a vanquished foe : their swords
Were sharp and trenchant, not their words ;
And did in fight but cut work out
T' employ their courtesies about '

Quoth she, ' Although thou hast deserved,
Base Slubberdegullion, to be served
As thou didst vow to deal with me,
If thou hadst got the victory :
Yet I shall rather act a part
That suits my fame, than thy desert.
Thy arms, thy liberty, beside
All that's on th' outside of thy hide,
Are mine by military law,
Of which I will not bate one straw ;
The rest, thy life and limbs, once more,
Though doubly forfeit, I restore.'
Quoth Hudibras, ' It is too late
For me to treat or stipulate ;
Wliat thou command'st I must obey ;
Yet those whom I expunged to-day,
Of thine own party, I let go,
And gave them life and freedom too,
Both dogs and bear, upon their parole,
Whom I took prisoners in this quarrel'
Quoth Trulla, ' Whether thou or they
Let one another run away.
Concerns not me ; but was't not thou
That gave Crowdcro quarter too?
Crowdero whom in irons bound,
Thou basely threw'st into Lob's pound,

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 83

Where still he hes, and with regret
His generous bowels rage and fret ;
But now thy carcase shall redeem,
And serve to be exchanged for him.'

This said, the knight did straight submit.
And laid his weapons at her feet :
Next he disrobed his gaberdine,
And with it did himself resign.*
She took it, and forthwith divesting
The mantle that she wore, said jesting,
' Take that, and wear it for my sake ; '
Then threw it o'er his sturdy back :
And as the French, we conquered once,
Now give us laws for pantaloons.
The length of breeches, and the gathers,
Port-cannons, periwigs and feathers,
Just so the proud, insulting lass
Arrayed and dighted Hudibras.

INIeanwhile the other champions, erst
In hurry of the fight dispersed,
Arrived, when Trulla won the day,
To share i' th' honour and the prey,
And out of Hudibras his hide,
With vengeance to be satisfied ;
Which now they were about to pour
Upon him in a wooden shower ;
But Trulla thrust herself between,
And striding o'er his back again,
She brandished o'er her head his sword,
And vowed they should not break her word ;
Sh' had given him quarter, and her blood,
Or theirs, should make that quarter good ;
For she was bound, by law of arms,
To see him safe from further harms.
In dungeon deep Crowdero cast
By Hudibras, as yet lay fast,
Where, to the hard and ruthless stones,
His great heart made perpetual moans :
Him she resolved that Hudibras
Should ransom, and supply his place.

This stopped their fury, and the basting
Which towards Hudibras was hasting.

§4 HUDIBRAS. [part t.

They thought it was but just and right,

That what she had achieved in fight,

She should dispose of how she pleased ;

Crowdero ought to be released :

Nor could that any way be done

So well as this she pitched upon :

For vvho a better coul imagine ?

This therefore they resolved t' engage in.

The knight and squire first they made

Rise from the ground where they were laid,

Then mounted both upon their hacks,

But with their faces to the backs.

Orsin led Hudibras's beast,

And Talgol that which Ralpho pressed ;

Whom stout Magnano, valiant Cerdon,

And Colon, waited as a guard on 3

All ushering TruUa, in the rear.

With th' arms of either prisoner.

In this proud order and array

They put themselves upon their way,

Striving to reach th' enchanted castle.

Where stout Crowdero in durance lay still.

Thither, with greater speed than shows.

And triumph over conquered foes

Do use t' allow, or than the bears,

Or pageants borne before lord-mayors,

Are wont to use, they soon arrived.

In order, soldier-like contrived ;

Still marching in a warlike posture,

As fit for battle as for muster.

The knight and squire they first unhorse,

And bending 'gainst the fort their force,

They all advanced, and round about

Begirt the magical redoubt.

Magnan' led up in this adventure.

And made way for the rest to enter :

For he was skilful in black art.

No less than he that built the fort,

And with. an iron mace laid flat

A breach, which straight all entered at,

And in the wooden dungeon found

Crowdero laid upon the ground :

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 85

Him they release from durance basCj

Restored t' his fiddle and his case,

And hberty, his thirsty rage

With Uiscious vengeance to assuage ;

For he no sooner was at large,

Eut TruUa straight brought on the charge,

And in the self-same limbo put

'I'he knight and squire, where he was sliut ;

Where leaving them in th' wretched hole,

Their bangs and durance to condole.

Confined and conjured into narrow

Enchanted mansion, to know sorrow.

In the same order and array

Which they advanced, they marched away :

But Hudibras, who scorned to stoop

To fortune, or be said to droop,

Cheered up himself with ends of verse.

And sayings of philosophers.

Quoth he,. ' Th' one half of man, his mind.
Is, sid juris ^ unconfined,
And cannot be laid by the liccls,
Whate'er the other moiety feels.
'Tis not restraint, or liberty.
That makes men prisoners or free ;
But perturbations that possess
The mind, or equanimities.
The whole world was not half so v/ide
To Alexander, when he cried,
Because he had but one to subdue.
As was a paltry narrow tub to
Diogenes • who is not said,
For aught that ever I could read,
To whine, put finger i' th' eye, and sob,
Because h' had ne'er another tub.
The ancients made two several kin-ls
Of prowess in heroic minds.
The active and the passive valiant,
Both which are pari libra gallant ;
For both to give blows, and to carry.
In fights are equi-necessary :
But in defeats, the passive stout
Are always found to stand it out

86 HUDIBRAS. [part i.

Most desperately, and to out-do

The active, 'gainst a conquering foe :

Though we with bjacks and blues are suggilled,

Or, as the vulgar say, are cudgelled ;

He that is valiant, and dares fight,

Though drubbed, can lose no honour by't.

Honour's a lease for lives to come,

And cannot be extended from

The legal tenant : 'tis a chattel

Not to be forfeited in batde.

If he that in the field is slain,

Be in the bed of honour lain,

He that is beaten ma}'' be said

To lie in honour's truckle-bed.

For as we see th' eclipsed sun

By mortals is more gazed upon

Than when, adorned with all his light,

He shines in serene sky most bright ;

So valour, in a low estate,

Is most admired and wondered at.'

Quoth Ralph, ' How great I do not know
^Ve may, by being beaten, grow;
But none that see how here we sit,
AVill judge us overgrown with wit.
As gifted brethren, preaching by
A canial hour-glass, do imply
Illumination can convey
Into them what they have to say,
But not how much ; so well enough
Know you to charge, but not draw off.
For who, without a cap and bauble,
Having subdued a bear and rabble.
And miglit with honour have come off,
Would put it to a second proof;
A politic exploit, right fit
For presbyterian zeal and wit.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' That cuckoo's tone,
Ralpho, thou always harp'st ui)on :
When thou at any thing wouldst rail,
Thou mak'st presbytery thy scale
To take the height on't, and explain
To what degree it is profane ;

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 87

Whats'ever will not with — thy — what-d'-ye-call

Thy hght — jump right, thou call'st synodical :

As if presbyt'ry were a standard

To size whats'ever's to be slandered.

Dost not remember how this day

Thou to my beard was bold to say,

That thou couldst prove bear-baiting equal

With synods, orthodox and legal ?

Do, if thou canst, for I deny't,

And dare thee to't with all thy light.'

Quoth Ralpho, '■ Truly that is no
Hard matter for a man to do,
That has but any guts in's brains,
And could believe it worth his pains ;
But since you dare and urge me to it,
You'll find I've light enough to do it.
Synods are mystical bear-gardens,
Where elders, deputies, church-wardens,
And other members of the court.
Manage the Babylonish sport;
For prolocutor, scribe, and bear-ward,
Do differ only in a mere word.
Both are but several synagogues
Of carnal men, and bears and dogs :
Both antichristian assemblies.
To mischief bent, as far's in them lies :
Both stave and tail with fierce contests,
The one with men, the other beasts.
The difference is, the one fights with
The tongue, the other with the teeth ;
And that they bait but bears in this,
In th' other, souls and consciences ;
Where saints themselves are brought to stake
For gospel-light and conscience' sake;
Exposed to scribes and presbyters,
Instead of mastiff dogs and curs ;
Than whom they 'ave less humanity,
For these at souls of men will fly.
This to the prophet did appear,
Who in a vision saw a bear,
Prefiguring the beastly rage
Of church-rule, in this latter age :

88 HUDIBRAS. [pat.t

As is demonstrated at fall
By him that baited the pope's bull.
Bears naturally are beasts of prey,
That live by rapine; so do they.
What are their orders, constitutions,
Church-censures, curses, absolutions,
But several mystic chains they make.
To tie poor Christians to the stake?
And then set heathen officers,
Instead of dogs, about their ears.
For to prohibit and dispense,
To find out, or to make offence ;
Of hell and heaven to dispose,
To play with souls at fast and loose ;
To set what characters they please,
And mulcts on sin or godliness ;
Reduce the church to gospel-order,
By rapine, sacrilege, and murder ;
To make presbytery supreme,
And kings themselves submit to them ;
And force all people, though against
Their consciences, to turn saints ;
Must prove a pretty thriving trade,
When saints monopolists are made :
When pious frauds, and holy shifts,
Are dispensations, and gifts ;
There godliness becomes mere ware,
And ev'ry synod but a fair.
Synods are whelps o' th' Inquisition,
A mongrel breed of like pernicion,
And growing up, became the sires
Of scribes, commissioners, and triers ;
Whose business is, by cunning sleight,
To cast a figure for men's light;
To find, in lines of beard and face,
The physiognomy of grace ;
And by the sound and twang of nose.
If all be sound within, disclose,
Free from a crack, or flaw of sinning,
As men try pipkins by the ringing ;
By black caps underlaid with white,
Give certain guess at inward light;

GANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 89

Which Serjeants at the Gospel wear,

To make the sp'ritual caUing clear.

The handkerchief about the neck —

Canonical cravat of smeck,

From whom the institution came,

When church and state they set on flame,

And worn by them as badges then

Of spiritual warfaring-men —

Judge rightly if regeneration

Be of the newest cut in fashion :

Sure 'tis an orthodox opinion,

That grace is founded in dominion.

Great piety consists in pride ;

To rule is to be sanctified :

To domineer, and to control

Both o'er the body and the soul.

Is the most perfect discipline

Of church-rule, and by right divine.

Bel and the Dragon's chaplains were

More moderate than these by far :

For they, poor knaves, were glad to cheat,

To get their wives and children meat ;

But these will not be fobbed oft" so.

They must have wealth and power too.

Or else with blood and desolation,

They'll tear it out o' th' heart o' th' nation.

Sure these themselves from primitive

And heathen priesthood do derive.

When butchers were the only clerks,

Elders and presbyters of kirks \

Whose directory was to kill ;

And some believe it is so still.

The only difference is, that then

They slaughtered only beasts, now men.

For then to sacrifice a bullock,

Or, now and then, a child to Moloch,

They count a vile abomination,

Bui not to slaughter a whole nation.

Presbytery does but translate

The papacy to a free state, ;

A common-wealth of popery,

Where e^ ery village is a see

90

HUDIBRAS. [part i.

As well as Rome, and must maintain

A tithe-pig metropolitan ;

Where every presbyter and deacon

Commands the keys for cheese and bacon";

And every hamlet's governed

By's holiness, the church's head.

More haughty and severe in's place,

Than Gregory and Boniface.

Such church must, surely, be a monster

With many heads : for if we conster

What in th' Apocalypse we find,

According to th' Apostle's mind,

'Tis that the Whore of Babylon

With many heads did ride upon ;

Which heads denote the sinful tribe

Of deacon, priest, lay-elder, scribe.

Lay-elder, Simeon to Levi,

Whose little finger is as heavy

As loins of patriarchs, prince-prelate,

And bishop secular. This zealot

Is of a mongrel, diverse kind,

Cleric before, and lay behind ;

A lawless linsey-woolsey brother.

Half of one order, half another;

A creature of amphibious nature,

On land a beast, a fish in water ;

That always preys on grace, or sin ;

A sheep without, a wolf within.

This fierce inquisitor has chief

Dominion over men's belief

And manners ; can pronounce a saint

Idolatrous, or ignorant.

When superciliously he sifts,

Through coarsest bolter, others' gifts :

For all men live and judge amiss,

Whose talents jump not just with his.

He'll lay on gifts with hands, and place

On dullest noddle light and grace,

The manufacture of the kirk,

Whose pastors are but th' handiwork

Of his mechanic paws, instilling

Divinity in them by feeling :

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. pi'

From whence they start up chosen vessels,
Made by contact, as men get measles.
So cardinals, they say, do grope
At th' other end the new-made pope.'

* Hold, hold,' quoth Hudibras, ' soft fire.
They say, does make sweet malt. Good squire,
Festina lente^ not too fast ;
For haste, the proverb says, makes waste.
The quirks and cavils thou dost make
Are false, and built upon mistake :
And I shall bring you, with your pack
Of fallacies, t' elenchi back ;
And put your arguments in mood
And figure to be understood.
I'll force you by right ratiocination
To leave your vitilitigation.
And make you keep to th' question close,
And argue dialectic's.
The question then, to state it first,
Is, which is better or which worst,
Synods or bears ? bears I avow
To be the worst, and synods thou.
But to make good th' assertion,
Thou say'st th' are really all one.
If so, not worst ; for if they're idem,
'SVhy then taiitiDidon dat iantidem.
For if they are the same, by course
Neither is better, neither worse.
But I deny they are the same.
More than a maggot and I am.
That both are animalia
I grant, but not rationalia ;
For though they do agree in kind,
Specific difierence we find.
And can no more make bears of these,
Than prove my horse is Socrates.
That synods are bear-gardens too,
Thou dost affirm ; but I say. No :
And thus I prove it, in a word ;
Whats'ever assembly's not empowered
To censure, curse, absolve, and ordain,
Can be no synod ; but bear-garden

93 HUDIBRAS. [part i.

Has no sucli power, c>-go 'tis none ;

And so thy sophistry's o'erthrovvn.

But yet we are beside the question

Which thou didst raise the first contest on ;

For that was, whether bears are better

Than synod-men ? I say N'egatur.

That bears are beasts, and synods men,

Is held by all : they're better then.

For bears and dogs on four legs go,

As beasts ; but synod-men on two.

'Tis true they all have teeth and nails ;

But prove that synod-men have tails ;

Or that a rugged shaggy fur

Grows o'er the hide of presbyter ;

Or that his snout and spacious ears

Do hold proportion with a bear's.

A bear's a savage beast, of all

Most ugly and unnatural,

Whelped without form, until the dam

Has licked it into shape and frame :

But all thy light can ne'er evict.

That ever synod-man was licked,

Or brought to any other fashion

Than his own will and inclination.

But thou dost further yet in this

Oppugn thyself and sense ; that is,

Thou wouldst have presbyters to go

For' bears and dogs, and bear- wards too :

A strange chimoera of beasts and men,

Made up of pieces het'rogene ;

Such as in Nature never met,

In eodem subjecto yet.

Thy other arguments are all

Supposures hypothetical.

That do but beg ; and we may choose

Either to grant them or refuse.

Much thou hast said, which I know when,

And where thou stol'st from other men,

Whereby 'tis plain thy light and gifts

Are all but plagiary shifts ;

And is the same that Ranter said

Who, arguing with me, broke my head,

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 93

And tore a handful of my beard ;
The self-same cavils then I heard,
When b'ing m hot dispute about
This controversy, we fell out ;
And what thou know'st I answered then
Will serve to answer thee again.'

Quoth Ralpho, ' Nothing but th' abuse
Of human learning you produce ;
Learning, that cobweb of the brain,
Profane, erroneous, and vain ;
A trade of knowledge as replete.
As others are with fraud and cheat ;
An art t' incumber gifts and wit,
And render both for nothing fit ;
Makes light unactive, dull and troubled,
Like little David in Saul's doublet :
A cheat that scholars put upon
Other men's reason and their own ;
A sort of error, to ensconce
Absurdity and ignorance.
That renders all the avenues
To truth impervious, and abstruse,
By making plain things, in debate.
By art perplexed, and intricate ;
For nothing goes for sense or light,
Thatjwill not with old rules jump right ;
As if rules were not in the schools
Derived from truth, but truth from rules.
This pagan, heathenish invention
Is good for nothing but contention.
For as in sword-and-buckler fight.
All blows do on the target light ;
So when men argue, the great'st part
O' the contest falls on terms of art,
Until the fustian stuff be spent,
And then they fall to th' argument.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' Friend Ralph, thou hast
Out-run the constable at last :
For thou art fallen on a new
Dispute, as senseless as untrue.
But to the former opposite,
And contrary as bb.ck to white j

94 HUDIBRAS. [part l

Mere disparata, that concerning
Presbytery, this human learning ;
Two things s' averse, they never yet,
But in thy rambHng fancy, met.
But I shall take a fit occasion
T' evince thee by' ratiocination.
Some other time, in place more proper
Than this we're in ; therefore let's stop ]iere.»
And rest our wearied bones a while^
Already tired v.dth other toil.'

PART II.— CANTO I.

THE ARGUMENT.

The knight, being clapped by th' heels in prison,

The last unhappy expedition,

Love brings his action on the case.

And lays it upon Hudibras.

How he receives the lady's visit,

And cunningly solicits his suit,

Which she defers ; yet on parole,

Redeems him from th' enchanted hole.

But now, t' observe romantique method,
Let rusty steel a while be sheathed ;
And all those harsh and rugged sounds
Of bastinados, cuts, and wounds.
Exchanged to love's more gentle style,
To let our reader breathe a while :
In which, that we may be as brief as
Is possible, by way of preface.

Is't not enough to make one strange,
That some men's fancies should ne'er change,
But make all people do and say
The same things still the self-same way ?
Some writers make all ladies purloined,
And knights pursuing like a whirlwind.
Others make all their knights, in fits
Of jealousy, to lose their wits ;
Till drawing blood o' th' dames, like witches,
They're forthwith cured of their capriches.
Some always thrive in their amours,
By pulling plasters off their sores ;
As cripples do to get an alms,
Just do so they, and win their dames.
Some force whole regions, in despite
O' geography, to change their site ;
Make former times shake hands with latter,
And that which was before, come after ;

96 HUDIBRAS. [part il.

But those that write in rhyme still make
The one verse for the other's sake ;
For one for sense, and one for rhyme,
I think's sufficient at one time.

Be we forget in what sad plight
We whilom left the captived knight
And pensive squire, both bruised in body,
And conjured into safe custody.
Tired with dispute, and speaking Latin,
As well as basting and bear-baiting,
And desperate of any course,
To free himself by wit or force,
His only solace was, that now
His dog-bolt fortune was so low.
That either it must quickly end,
Or turn about again, and mend ;
In which he found th' event, no less
Than other times, beside his guess.

There is a tall long-sided dame, —
But wondrous light, ycleped Fame,
That like a thin chameleon boards
Herself on air, and eats her words ;
Upon her shoulders wings she wears
Like hanging sleeves, lined through with ears,
And eyes, and tongues, as poets list,
Made good by deep mythologist :
With these she through the welkin flies,
And sometimes carries truth, oft lies ;
With letters hung, like eastern pigeons.
And Mercuries of furthest regions \
Diurnals writ for regulation
Of lying, to inform the nation,
And by their public use to bring down
The rate of whetstones in the kingdom ;
About her neck a pacquet-mail,
Fraught with advice, some fresh, some stale,
Of men that walked when they were dead,
And cows of monsters brought to bed :
Of hailstones big as pullets' eggs,
And puppies whelped with twice two legs ;
A blazing-star seen in the west,
By six or seven men at least.

CANTO I.] HUD I BRAS. 97

Two trumpets she does sound at once,
But both of clean contrk.ry tones ;
But whether both with the same wind,
Or one before, and one behind,
We know not, only this can tell,
The one sounds vilely, th' other well ;
And therefore vulgar authors name
Th' one Good, th' other Evil Fame.
This tattling gossip knew too well,
What mischief Hudibras befel ;
And straight the spiteful tidings bears
Of all, to th' unkind widow's ears. ;

Democritus ne'er laughed so loud, j;

To see bawds carted through the crowd, H

Or funerals with stately pomp,
March slowly on in solemn dump,
As she laughed out, until her back,
As well as sides, was like to crack.
She vowed she would go see the fight,
And visit the distressed knight,
To do the office of a neighbour,
And be a gossip at his labour ;
And from his wooden jail, the stocks.
To set at large his fetter-locks,
And by exchange, parole, or ransom,
To free him from th' enchanted mansion.
This being resolved, she called for hood
And usher, implements abroad
Which ladies wear, beside a slender
Young waiting damsel to attend her.
All which appearing, on she went
To find the knight, in limbo pent.
And 'twas not long before she found
Him, and his stout squire, in the pound ;
Both coupled in enchanted tether.
By further leg behind together ;
For as he sat upon his rump,
His head, like one in doleful dump.
Between his knees, his hands applied
Unto his ears on either side,
And by him, in another hole.
Afflicted Ralpho, cheek by jowl,

98 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.

She came upon him in his wooden

Magician's circle, on the sudden,

As spirits do t' a conjurer,

When in their dreadful shapes th' appear.

No sooner did the knight perceive her,
But straight he fell into a fever,
Inflamed all over with disgrace,
To be seen by her in such a place ;
Which made him hang his head, and scowl,
And wink, and goggle like an owl ;
He felt his brains begin to swim,
When thus the Dame accosted him.

' This place,' quoth she, ' they say's enchanted,
And with delinquent sjoirits haunted ;
That here are tied in chains, and scourged,
Until their guilty crimes be purged :
Look, there are two of them appear,
Like persons I have seen somewhere :
Some have mistaken blocks and posts
For spectres, apparitions, ghosts,
AVith saucer-eyes, and horns ; and some
Have heard the devil beat a drum :
But if our eyes are not false glasses.
That give a wrong account of faces,
That beard and I should be acquainted,
Before 'twas conjured and enchanted ;
For though it be disfigured somewhat,
As if 't had lately been in combat.
It did belong to a worthy knight,
Howe'er this goblin is come by't.'

When Hudibras the I.ady heard,
Discoursing thus upon his beard.
And speak with such respect and honour,
Both of the beard and the beard's owner,
He thought it best to set as good
A face upon it as he could,
And thus he spoke : ' Lady, your bright
And radiant eyes are in the right ;
The beard's th' identique beard you knew,
The same numerically true ;
Nor is it worn by fiend or elf,
But its proprietor himself.'

CANTO I.] HUD I BR AS. r)9

' O heavens ! ' quoth she, ' can that be true ?
I do begin to fear 'tis you ;
Not by your individual whiskers,
But by your dialect and discourse,
That never spoke to man or beast
In notions vulgarly expressed :
But what malignant star, alas !
Has brought you both to this sad pass ? '

Quoth he, ' The fortune of the war.
Which I am less afflicted for,
Than to be seen with beard and face
By you in such a homely case.'

Quoth she, ' Those need not be ashamed
For being honourably maimed ;
If he that is in battle conquered,
Have any title to his own beard,
Though yours be sorely lugged and torn,
It does your visage more adorn
Than if 'twere pruned, and starched, and hindered.
And cut square by the Russian standard.
A torn beard's like a tattered ensign.
That's bravest which there are most rents in.
That petticoat about your shoulders.
Does not so well become a soldier's ;
And I'm afraid they are worse handled.
Although i' th' rear, your beard the vaii led ;
And those uneasy bruises make
My heart for company to ache.
To see so worshipful a friend
r th' pillory set, at the wrong end.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' This thing called pain.
Is, as the learned stoics maintain,
Not bad simjyliciter^ nor good,
But merely as 'tis understood.
Sense is deceitful, and may feign
As well in counterfeiting pain
As other gross 'pliaiioiiicims
In which it oft mistakes the case.
But since th' immortal intellect,
That's free from error and defect.
Whose objects still persist the same,
Is free from outward bruise or maim,

D 2

100 NODI BR As. [part ii.

Which nought external can expose

To gross material bangs or blows,

It follows we can ne'er be sure

Whether we pain or not endure ;

And just so far are sore and grieved,

As by the fancy is believed.

Some have been wounded with conceit,

And died of mere opinion straight ;

Others, though wounded sore in reason,

Felt no contusion, nor discretion.

A Saxon Duke did grow so fat,

That mice, as histories relate,

Ate grots and labyrinths to dwell in
His postique parts, without his feeling :

Then how is't possible a kick

Should e'er reach that way to the quick ? '

Quoth she, ' I grant it is in vain.
For one that's basted to feel pain ;
Because the pangs his bones endure,
Contribute nothing to the cure ;
Yet honour hurt, is wont to rage
With pain no medicine can assuage,'

Quoth he, ' That honour's very squeamish,
That takes a basting for a blemish :
For what's more honourable than scars,
Or skin to tatters rent in wars ?
Some have been beaten till they know
What wood a cudgel's of by th' blow ;
Some kicked, until they can feel whether
A shoe be Spanish or neat's leather ;
And yet have met, after long running.
With some whom they have taught that cunning.
The furtliest way about, t' o'ercome.
In th' end does prove the nearest home.
By laws of learned duelHsts,
They that are bruised with wood, or fists,
And think one beating may for once
Suffice, are cowards and poltroons ;
But if they dare engage t' a second.
They're stout and gallant fellows reckoned.
Th' old Romans freedom did bestow,
Our princes worship, with a l?lo\v :

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 101

King Pyrrhus cured his splenetic
And testy courtiers with a kick.
The Negus, when some miglity lord
Or potentate's to be restored,
And pardoned for some great offence,
With which he's willing to dispense,
First has him laid upon his belly,
Then beaten back and side, t' a jelly \
That done, he rises, humbly bows.
And gives thanks for the princely blows;
Departs not meanly proud, and boasting
Of his magnificent rib-roasting.
The beaten soldier proves most manful,
1'hat, like his sword, endures the anvil,
And justly's held more formidable,
The more his valour's malleable :
But he that fears a bastinado,
Will run away from his own shadow :
And though I'm now in durance fast,
By our own party basely cast.
Ransom, exchange, parole, refused,
And worse than by the en'my used ;
In close catasta shut, past hope
Of wit or valour to elope;
• As beards, the nearer that they tend
To th' earth, still grow more reverend ;
And cannons shoot the higher pitches,
Tlie lower we let down their breeches ;
I'll make this low dejected fate
Advance me to a greater height.'

Quoth she, ' You 'ave almost made m' in love
With that which did my pity move.
Great wits and valours, like great stater,
Do sometimes sink with their own weights :
Th' extremes of glory and of shame,
Like east and west, become the same.
No Indian Prince has to his palace
More followers than a thief to the gallows.
But if a beating seem so brave,
What glories must a whipping have?
Such great achievements cannot fail ■

To cast salt on a woman's tail :

JX^f

lOD HUDIBRAS. [part ii.

For if I thought your natural talent
Of passive courage were so gallant,
As you strain hard to have it though
I could grow amorous and dote.'

When Hudibras this language heard,
He pricked up 's ears, and stroked his beard ;
Thought he, this is the lucky hour,
"\\'^ines work when vines are in the flower :
This crisis then I'll set my rest on,
And put her boldly to the question.

' Madam, what you would seem to doubt
Shall be to all the world made out,
How I've been drubbed, and with what spirit,
And magnanimity, I bear it;
And if you doubt it to be true,
I'll stake myself down against you ;
And if I fail in love or troth.
Be you the winner, and take both.'

Quoth she, ' I've heard old cunning stagers
Say, fools for arguments use wagers.
And though I praised your valour, yet
I did not mean to baulk your wit.
Which, if you have, you must needs know
What I have told you before now.
And you b' experiment have proved,
I cannot love where I'm beloved.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' Tis a caprich
Beyond th' infliction of a witch ;
So cheats to play with those still aim.
That do not understand the game.
Love in your heart as idly burns,
As fire in antique Roman urns.
To warm the dead, and vainly light
Those only that see nothing by't.
Have you not power to entertain,
And render love for love again ?
As no man can draw in his breath
At once, and force out air beneath.
Or do you love yourself so much,
To bear all rivals else a grutch ?
What fate can lay a greater curse
Than you upon yourself would force ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 103

For wedlock without love, some say,

Is but a lock without a key.

It is a kind of rape to marry

One that neglects, or cares not for ye :

For what does make it ravishment

But being against the mind's consent?

A rape, that is the more inhuman.

For being acted by a woman.

Why are you fair, but to entice us

To love you, that you may despise us?

But though }0u cannot love, you say^

Out of your own fanatic way.

Why should you not, at least, allow

Those that love you, to do so too ?

For, as you fly me, and pursue

Love more averse, so I do you ;

And am, by your own doctrine, taught

To practise what you call a fault.'

Quoth she, ' If what you say be true,
You must fly me, as I do you :
But 'tis not what we do, but say.
In love, and preaching, that must sway.'

Quoth he, ' To bid me not to love,
Is to forbid my pulse to move.
My beard to grow, my ears to prick up,
Or, when I'm in a fit, to hiccup :
Command me to put out the moon,
And 'twill as easily be done.
Love's power's too great to be withstood
By feeble humian flesh and blood.
'Twas he that brought upon his knees
The hectoring kill-cow Hercules \
Reduced his leaguer-lion's skin
T' a petticoat, and made him spin ;
Seized on his club, and made it dwindle
T' a feeble distaff, and a spindle.'

Quoth she, * If love have these effects,
Why is it not forbid our sex ?
Why is't not damned, and interdicted,
For diabolical and wicked ?
And sung, as out of tune, against.
As Turk and Pope are by the saints?

104 HUDIBRAS. [part II.

I find, I've greater reason for it,
Than I believed before t' abhor it.*

Quoth Hudibras, ' These sad effects,
Spring from your heathenish neglects
Of love's great power, which he returns
Upon yourself with equal scorns ;
And those who worthy lovers slight,
Plagues with preposterous appetite.'

Quoth she, ' These judgments are severe.
Yet such as I should rather bear.
Than trust men with their oaths, or prove
Their faith and secrecy in love.'

Says he, ' There is as weighty reason
For secrecy in love, as treason.
Love is a burglarer, a felon
That at the windore-eye does steal in,
To rob the heart, and with his prey,
Steals out again a closer way,
Which whosoever can discover,
He's sure, as he deserves, to suffer.
Love is a fire, that burns and sparkles
In men, as naturally as in charcoals.
Which sooty chemists stop in holes,
When out of wood they extract coals ;
So lovers should their passions choke.
That though they burn, they may not smoke.
'Tis like that sturdy thief that stole.
And dragged beasts backwards into 's hole ;
So love does lovers, and us men
Draws by the tails into his den.
That no impression may discover,
And trace t' his cave the wary lover.
But if you doubt I should reveal
What you entrust me under seal,
I'll prove myself as close and virtuous
As your own secretary, Albertus.'

Quoth she, ' I grant you may be close
In hiding what your aims propose :
Love-passions are like parables,
By which men still mean something else :
Though love be all the world's pretence,
Money's the mythologique sense,

CAXiO I.] HUDIBRAS. 105

The real substance of the shadow,

Which all address and courtship's made to.'

Thought he, I understand your play,
And how to quit you your own way;
He that will win his dame, must do
As Love does, when he bends his bow ;
With one hand thrust the lady from,
And with the other pull her home.

' I grant,' quoth he, ' wealth is a great
Provocative to amorous heat :
It is all philtres and high diet,
lliat makes love rampant, and to fly out :
'Tis beauty always in the flower.
That buds and blossoms at fourscore :
'Tis that by which the sun and moon,
At their own weapons, are out-done :
That makes knights-errant fall in trances,
And lay about 'em in romances ;
'Tis virtue, wit, and worth, and all
That men divine and sacred call :
For what is worth in any thing,
But so much money as 'twill bring?
Or what but riches is there known,
Which man can solely call his own ;
In which no creature goes his half,
Unless it be to squint and laugh ?
I do confess, with goods and land
I'd have a wife at second hand ;
And such you are : nor is't your person
My stomach's set so sharp and fierce on ;
But 'tis your better part, your riches,
That my enamoured heart bewitches :
Let me your fortune but possess.
And settle your person how you please ;
Or make it o'er in trust to the devil.
You'll find me reasonable and civil.'

Quoth she, * I like this plainness better
Than false-mock passion, speech, or letter,
Or any feat of qualrn or swooning,
But hanging of yourself, or drowning ;
Your only way ^ith me to break
Your mind, is breaking of your neck :

lo6 HUDIBEAS. [part

For as when merchants break, o'erthrown

Like nine-pins, they strike others down ;

So that would break my heart ; which done,

My tempting fortune is your own.

These are but triiles ; every lover

Will damn himself over and over,

And greater matters undertake

For a less worthy mistress' sake :

Yet they're the only ways to prove

Th' unfeigned realities of love ;

For he that hangs, or beats out 's brains,

The devil's in him if he feigns.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' This way's too rough
For mere experiment and proof;
It is no jesting, trivial matter,
To swing i' ih' air, or douce in waler^
And, like a water-witch, try love ;
That's to destroy, and not to prove ;
As if a man should be dissected,
To find what part is disaftected :
Your better way is to make over.
In trust, your fortune to your lover :
Trust is a trial ; if it break,
'Tis not so desperate as a neck :
Beside, th' experiment's more certain ;
Men venture necks to gain a fortune :
The soldier does it every da}^,
Eight to the week, for sixpence pay ;
Your pettifoggers damn their souls.
To share with knaves, in cheating fools ;
And merchants, venturing through the main,
Slight pirates, rocks, and horns, for gain :
This is the way I advise you to,
Trust me, and see what I will do.'

Quoth she, ' I should be loth to run
Myself all th' hazard, and you none ;
Which must be done, unless some deed
Of yours aforesaid do precede :
Give but yourself one gentle swing,
For trial, and I'll cut the string ;
Or give that reverend head a maul,
Or two, or three, against a wall ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 107

To show you are a man of mettle,
And I'll engage myself to settle.'

Quoth he, ' My head's not made cf brass,
As Friar Bacon's noddle was,
Nor, like the Indian's skull, so tough.
That, authors say, 'twas musket proof;
As it had need to be to enter.
As yet, on any new adventure ;
You see what bangs it has endured.
That would, before new feats, be cured :
But if that's all you stand upon,
Here strike me luck, it shall be done.'

Quoth she, ' The matter's not so far gone
As you suppose ; two words t' a bargain ;
That may be done, and time enough,
When you have given downright proof;
And yet 'tis no fantastic pique
I have to love, nor coy dislike ;
'Tis no implicit, nice aversion
T' your conversation^ mien, or person ;
But a just fear, lest you should prove
False and perfidious in love ;
For if I thought you could be true,
I could love twice as much as you.'

Quoth he, ' My faith as adamantine
As chains of destiny, I'll maintain ;
True as Apollo ever spoke,
Or oracle from heart of oak ;
And if you'll give my flame but vent,
Now ill close hugger-mugger pent,
And shine upon me but benignly.
With that one, and that other pigsney.
The sun and day shall sooner part.
Than love, or you, shake off my heart ;
The sun that shall no more dispense
His own, but your bright influence ;
I'll carve your name on barks of trees,
With true-love-knots, and flourishes ;
That shall infuse eternal spring,
And everlasting flourishing ;
Drink every letter on't in stum.
And make it brisk champagne become ;

io8 HUDIBRAS. [part

Where'er 3^ou tread, your foot shall set

The primrose and the violet ;

All spices, perfumes, and sweet powders,

Shall borrow from your breath their odours ;

Nature her charter shall renew.

And take all lives of things from you ;

The world depend upon your eye,

And when you frown upon it, die.

Only our loves shall still survive,

New worlds and natures to outlive ;

And, like to herald's moons, remain

All crescents, without change or wane.'

' Hold, hold,' quoth she, ' no more of this,
Sir Knight, you take your aim amiss ;
For you will find it a hard chapter.
To catch me with poetic rapture,
In which your mastery of art
Doth show itself, and not your heart ;
Nor will you raise in mine combustion,
By dint of high heroic fustian :
She that with poetry is won,
Is but a desk to write upon ;
And what men say of her, they mean
No more than on the thing they lean.
Some with Arabian spices strive
T' embalm her cruelly alive ;
Or season her, as French cooks use
Their kaiti-goiifs, bouillioiis, or ragouts ;
Use her so barbarously ill,
To grind her lips upon a mill,
Until \\\Q. facet doublet doth
Fit their rhymes rather than her mouth ;
Her mouth compared t' an oyster's, ■with
A row of pearl in't, 'stead of teeth ;
Others make posies of her cheeks,
AVhere red and whitest colours mix ;
In which the lily and the rose.
For Indian lake and ceruse goes.
The sun and moon, by her bright eyes.
Eclipsed and darkened in the skies,
Are but black patches, that she wears.
Cut into suns, and moons, and stars ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 109

By which astrologers, as well

As those in heaven above, can tell '. ,

What strange events they do foreshow,

Unto her under-world below.

Her voice, the music of the spheres,

So loud, it deafens mortals' cars,

As wise philosophers liave thought,

And that's the cause we hear it not,

This has been done by some, who those

Th' adored in rhyme, would kill in prose ;

And in those ribbons would have hung,

Of which melodiously they sung;

That have the hard fate to write best,

Of those still that deserve it least ;

It matters not, how false or forced,

So the best things be said o' th' worst ;

It goes for nothing when 'tis said,

Only the arrow's drawn to th' head,

Whether it be a swan or goose

They level at ; so shepherds use

To set the same mark on the hip

Both of their sound and rotten slieep :

For wits that carry low or wide,

Must be aimed higher, or beside

The mark, which else they ne'er come nigh.

But when they take their aim awry.

But I do wonder you should chuse

This way t' attack me with your muse.

As one cut out to pass your tricks on.

With fulhams of poetic fiction :

I rather hoped I should no more

Hear from you o' th' gallanting score :

For hard dry-bastings used to prove

The readiest remedies of love.

Next a dry-diet ; but if those fail.

Yet this uneasy loop-holed jail.

In which ye're hampered by the fetlock.

Cannot but put y' in mind of wedlock ;

Wedlock, that's worse than any hole here,

If that may serve you for a cooler

T' allay your mettle, all agog

Upon a wife, the heavier clog-

110 HUDIBRAS. Ipart ii.

Nor rather thank your gentler fate,
That, for a bruised or broken pate,
Has freed you from those knobs that grow
Much harder on the married brow :
But if no dread can cool your courage,
From venturing on that dragon, marriage ;
Yet give me quarter, and advance
To nobler aims your puissance ;
Level at beauty and at wit ;
The fairest mark is easiest hit.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' I am beforehand
In that already, with your command ;
For where does beauty and high wit
But in your constellation, meet ? '

Quoth she, 'What does a match imply,
But likeness and equality ?
I know you cannot think me fit
To be th' yoke-fellow of your wit ;
Nor take one of so mean deserts.
To be the partner of your parts :
A grace which, if I could believe,
I've not the conscience to receive.'

* That conscience,' quoth Hudibras,
* Is misinformed ; I'll state the case.
A m?n may be a legal donor

Of any thing whereof he's owner,

And may confer it where he lists,

I' th' judgment of all casuists :

Then wit, and parts, and valour may

Be alienated, and made awa}^,

By those that are proprietors,

As I may give or sell my horse.'

Quoth she, ' I grant the case is true.

And proper 'twixt your horse and you ;

But whether I may take, as well

As you may give away, or sell ?

Buyers, you know, are bid beware ;

And worse than thieves receivers are.

How shall I answer hue and cry,

For a roan-gelding, twelve hands high,

All spurred and switched, a lock on 's hoof,

A sorrel mane ? Can I bring proof

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS, III

Where, when, by whom, and what y' were sold for,
And in the open market tolled for?
Or, should I take you for a stray,
You must be kept a year and day,
Ere I can own you, here i' th' pound,
Where, if ye're soughr, you may be found ;
And in the mean time I must pay
For all your provender and hay.'

Quoth he, ' It stands me much upon
T' enervate this objection.
Look on this beard, and tell me whether
Eunuchs wear such, or geldings either ?
Next it appears, I am no horse,
That I can argue and discourse.
Have but two legs, and ne'er a tail.'

Quoth she, ' That nothing will avail ;
For some philosophers of late here.
Write men have four legs by nature,
And that 'tis custom makes them go
Erroneously upon but two ;
As 'twas in Germany made good,
B' a boy that lost himself in a wood ;
And growing down t' a man, was wont
With wolves upon all four to hunt.
As for your reasons drawn from tails.
We cannot say they're true or false,
Till you explain yourself, and show
B' experiment 'tis so or no.'

Quoth he, ' If you'll join issue on't,
I'll give you sat'sfact'ry account ;
So you will promise, if you lose,
To settle all, and be my spouse.'

' That never shall be done,' quoth she,
' To one that wants a tail, by me ;
For tails by nature sure were meant.
As well as beards, for ornament ;
And, though the vulgar count them homely,
In men or beast they are so comely.
So geniee, alavwde, and handsome,
I'll never marry man that wants one ;
And till you can demonstrate plain.
You have one equal to your mane.

112 HUDIBRAS. [part II.

I'll be torn piece-meal by a horse,

Ere I'll take you for better or worse.

The Prince of Cambay's daily food

Is asp, and basilisk, and toad.

Which makes him have so strong a breath,

Each night he stinks a queen to death ;

Yet I shall rather lie in 's arms

Than yours, on any other terms.'

Quoth he, ' What nature can afford
I shall produce, upon my word ;
And if she ever gave that boon
To man, I'll prove that I have one :
I mean by postulate illation,
When you shall offer just occasion ;
But since ye 'ave yet denied to give
My heart, your prisoner, a reprieve,
But made it sink down to my heel,
Let that at least your pity feel ;
And for the sufferings of your martyr.
Give its poor entertainer quarter ;
And by discharge, or mainprize, grant
Delivery from this base restraint.'

Quoth she, ' I grieve to see your leg
Stuck in a hole here like a peg.
And if I knew which way to do't,
Your honour safe, I'd let you out.
That dames by jail-delivery
Of errant knights have been set free.
When by enchantment they have been,
And sometimes for it, too, laid in,
Is that which knights are bound to do
By order, oaths, and honour too ;
For what are they renowned and famous else.
But aiding of distressed damosels ?
But for a lady, no ways errant,
To free a knight, we have no warrant
In any authentical romance,
Or classic author yet of France ;
And I'd be loth to have you break
An ancient custom for a freak.
Or innovation introduce
In place of things of antique use, jV

CANio 1.] HUDIBRAS. 113

To free your heels by any course

That might b' unwholesome to your spurs :

Which if I should consent unto,

It is not in my power to do ;

For 'tis a service must be done ye

With solemn previous ceremony;

Which always has been used t' untie

The charms of those who here do lie :

For as the ancients heretofore

To honour's temple had no door,

But that which thorough virtue's lay,

So from this dungeon there's no way

To honoured freedom, but by passing

That other virtuous school of lashing.

Where knights are kept in narrow lists,

With wooden lockets 'bout their wrists ;

In which they for a while are tenants,

And for their ladies suffer penance :

Whipping, that's virtue's governess,

Tutress of arts and sciences ;

That mends the gross mistakes of nature.

And puts new life into dull matter;

That lays foundation for renown,

And all the honours of the gown.

This suffered, they are set at large.

And freed with honourable discharge ;

Then, in their robes, the penitentials

Are straight presented with credentials,

And in their way attended on

By magistrates of every town ;

And, all respect and charges paid,

They're to their ancient seats conveyed.

Now if you'll venture, for my sake.

To try the toughness of your back,

And suffer, as the rest have done,

The laying of a whipping on.

And may you prosper in your suit,

As you with equal vigour do't,

I here engage to be your bail,

And free you from th' unknightly jail.

But since our sex's modesty

Will not allow I should be by,

114 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.

Bring me, on oath, a fair account,

And honour too, when you have don't ;

And I'll admit you to the place

You claim as due in my good grace.

If matrimony and hanging go

By dest'ny, why not whipping too ?

What medicine else can cure the fits

Of lovers, when they lose their wits?

Love is a boy, by poets styled.

Then spare the rod, and spoil the child ;

A Persian emperor whipped his grannam

The sea, his mother Venus came on ;

And hence some reverend men approve

Of rosemary in making love.

As skilful coopers hoop their tubs

With Lydian and with Phrygian dubs,

Why may not whipping have as good

A grace, performed in time and mood,

With comely movement, and by art,

Raise passion in a lady's heart ?

It is an easier way to make

Love by, than that which many take.

Who would not rather suffer whii)ping,

Than swallow toasts of bits of ribbon ?

iSIake wicked verses, traits, and faces,

And spell names over, with beer-glasses ?

Be under vows to hang and die

Love's sacrifice, and all a lie ?

With China- oranges and tarts.

And whining plays, lay baits for hearts ?

Bribe chambermaids with love and money,

To break no roguish jests upon ye?

For lilies limned on cheeks, and roses,

With painted perfumes, hazard noses?

Or, venturing to be brisk and wanton.

Do penance in a paper lantern ?

All this you may compound for now.

By suffering what I offer you ;

Which is no more than has been done

By knights for ladies long agone.

Did not the great La Mancha do so

For the Infanta Del Toboso ?

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 115

Did not th' illustrious Bassa make

Himself a slave for Misse's sake ?

With thong of bull's hide, for her love,

Was tawed as gentle as a glove ?

Was not young Florio sent, to cool

His flame for Biancafiore, to school,

Where pedant made his pathic bum

For her sake suffer martyrdom ?

Did not a certain lady whip.

Of late, her husband's own lordship ?

And though a grandee of the house,

Clawed him with fundamental blows ;

Tied him stark-naked to a bed-post,

And firked his hide, as if she 'ad rid post ;

And after in the sessions court.

Where whipping's judged, had honour for't?

This swear you will perform, and then

I'll set you from th' enchanted den.

And the magician's circle, clear.'

Quoth he, ' I do profess and swear,
And will perform what you enjoin,
Or may I never see you mine.'

' Amen,' quoth she, then turned about,
And bid her squire let him out.
But ere an artist could be found
T' undo the charms another bound,
The sun grew low, and left the skies,
Put down, some write, by ladies' eyes :
The moon pulled off her veil of light,
That hides her face by day from sight.
Mysterious veil, of brightness made.
That's both her lustre and her shade,
And in the night as freely shone.
As if her rays had been her own :
For darkness is the proper sphere
Where all false glories use t' appear.
The twinkling stars began to muster,
And glitter with their borrowed lustre,
While sleep the wearied world relieved,
By counterfeiting death revived.
His whipping penance, till the morn,
Our votary thought it best t' adjourn,

ii6 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.

And not to carr)' on a work
Of such importance in the dark,
With erring haste, but rather stay,
And do't in th' open face of day ;
And in the mean time go in quest
Of next retreat to take his rest.

CANTO II.

THE ARGUMENT.

The knight and squire in hot dispute,
^Vithin an ace of falling out,
Are parted with a sudden fright
Of strange alarm, and stranger sight ;
With which adventuring to stickle,
Tiiey're sent away in nasty pickle.

'Tis strange how some men's tempers suit,

Like bet and brandy, with dispute,

That for their own opinions stand fast,

Only to have them clawed and canvassed ;

That keep their consciences in cases,

As fiddlers do their crowds and bases,

Ne'er to be used, but when they're bent

To play a fit for argument ;

Make true and false, unjust and just.

Of no use but to be discussed ;

Dispute and set a paradox.

Like a strait boot, upon the stocks,

And stretch it more unmercifully

Than Helmont, Montaigne, White, or Tully,

So th' ancient Stoics, ia their porch.

With fierce dispute maintained their church.

Beat out their brains in fight and study,

To prove that virtue is a body ;

That bonuin is an animal,

i^L^de good with stout polemic brawl ;

In which some hundreds on the place

Were slain outright, and many a face

Retrenched of nose, and eyes, and beard.

To maintain what their sect averred.

All which the knight and squire, in wrath,

Had like t' have sufter'd for their faith ;

Each striving to make good his own,

As by the sequel shall be shown.

ii8 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.

The sun had long since, in the lap
Of Thetis, taken out his nap,
And like a lobster boiled, the morn
From black to red began to turn ;
When Hudibras, whom thoughts and aching
'Tvvixt sleeping kept, all night, and waking,
Began to rub his drowsy eyes,
And from his couch prepared to rise ;
Resolving to despatch the deed
He vowed to do with trusty speed :
But first, with knocking loud and bawling,
He roused the squire, in truckle lolling :
And after many circumstances^
Which vulgar authors in romances,
Do use to spend their time and wits on,
To make impertinent description,
They got, with much ado, to horse.
And to the castle bent their course,
In which he to the dame before
To suffer whipping-duty swore :
Where now arrived, and half unharnessed.
To carry on the work in earnest,
He stopped and paused upon the sudden,
And with a serious forehead plodding,
Sprung a new scruple in his head,
Which first he scratched, and after said :

' Whether it be direct infringing
An oath, if I should wave this swinging,
And what I've sworn to bear, forbear,
And so b' equivocation swear ;
Or whether 't be a lesser sin
To be forsworn, than act the thing,
Are deep and subtle points, which must,
To inform my conscience, be discussed ;
In which to err a tittle may
To errors infinite make way :
And therefore I desire to know
Thy judgment, ere we further go.'

Quoth Ralpho, ' Since you do enjoin't,
I shall enlarge upon the point ;
And, for my own part, do not doubt
Th' affirmative may be made out.

CAlJTO II.] HU.DIBRAS. 119

But first, to state the case ariglit,

For best advantage of our light ;

And thus 'tis : Whether 't be a sin

To claw and curry your own skin,

Greater or less than to forbear,

And that you are forsworn fcrswear.

But first, o' th' first : The inward man,

And outward, like a clan and clan.

Have always been at daggers-drawing,

And one another clapper-clawing ;

Not that they really cuff or fence,

But in a spiritual mystic sense ;

Which to mistake, and make them squabble

In literal fray, 's abominable ;

'Tis heathenish, in frequent use,

With Pagans and apostate Jews,

To offer sacrifice of bridewells.

Like modern Indians to their idols ;

And mongrel Christians of our times,

That expiate less with greater crimes.

And call the foul abomination.

Contrition and mortification.

Is't not enough we're bruised and kicked,

With sinfiil members of the wicked ;

Our vessels, that are sanctified.

Profaned, and curried back and side ;

But we must claw ourselves with shameful

And heathen stripes, by their example ?

Whicli, were there nothing to forbid it,

Is impious, because they did it :

This therefore may be justly reckoned

A heinous sin. Now to the second ;

That saints may claim a dispensation

lo swear and forswear on occasion,

1 doubt not but it will appear

With pregnant light : the point is clear.

Oaths are but wordS; and words but wind,

Too feeble implements to bind ;

And hold with deeds proportion, so

As shadows to a substance do.

Then when they strive for place, 'lis fit

The weaker vus^el sliould submit.

HUDIBRAS. [part il.

Although your church be opposite

To ours, as Black-friars are to White,

In rule and order, yet I grant

You are a reformado saint ;

And what the saints do claim as due,

You may pretend a title to :

But saints, whom oaths and vows oblige,

Know little of their privilege ;

Further, 1 mean, than carrying on

Some self-advantage of their own :

For if the devil, to serve his turn,

Can tell truth ; why the saints should scorn,

AVhen it serves theirs, to swear and lie,

I think there's little reason why :

Else h' has a greater power than they,

"Which 'twere impiety to say.

We 're not commanded to forbear,

Indefinitely, at all to swear ;

But to swear idly, and in vain,

Without self-interest or gain ;

For breaking of an oath and lying,

Is but a kind of self-denying,

A saint-like virtue ; and from hence

Some have broke oaths by Providence :

Some, to the glory of the Lord,

Perjured themselves, and broke their word :

And this the constant rule and practice

Of all our late apostles' acts is.

Was not the Cause at first begun

With perjury, and carried on ?

Was there an oath the godly took.

But in due time and place they broke ?

Did we not bring our oaths in first,

Before our plate, to have them burst,

And cast in fitter models, for

Th.e present use of church and war ?

Did not our worthies of the house,

Before they broke the peace, break vows ?

For having freed us first from both

Th' allegiance and suprem'cy oath.

Did they not next compel the nation

To takC; and break the protestation ?

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 121

To swear, and after to recant,

The solemn league and covenant ?

To take th' engagement, and disclaim it,

Enforced by those who first did frame it ?

Did they not swear, at first, to fight

For the king's safety, and his right ?

And after marched to find him out,

And charged him home with horse and foot?

And yet still had the confidence

To swear it was in his defence ?

Did they not swear to live and die

With Essex, and straight laid him by ?

If that were all, for some have swore

As false as they, if they did no more.

Did they not swear to maintain law.

In which that swearing made a flaw ?

For protestant religion vow.

That did that vowing disallow .''

For privilege of parliament,

In which that swearing made a rent ?

And since, of all the three, net one

Is left in being, 'tis well known.

Did they not swear, in express words.

To prop and back the House of Lords ?

And after turned out the whole houseful

Of peers, as dangerous and unuseful.

So Cromwell, with deep oaths and vows,

Swore all the Commons out o' th' house ;

Vowed that the red-coats would disband,

Ay, marry would they, at their command ;

And trolled them on, and swore, and swore,

Till th' army turned them out of door.

This tells us plainly what they thought.

That oaths and swearing go for nought,

And that by them th' were only meant

To serve for an expedient.

"What was the public faith found out for,

But to slur men of what they fought for ?

The public faith, which every one

Is bound t' observe, yet kept by none ;

And if that go for nothing, why

Should private faith have such a tie ?

HUDIBRAS. [part ii.

Oaths were not purposed, more than law,
To keep the good and just in awe,
But to confine the bad and sinful,
Like mortal cattle in a pinfold.
A saint's of th' heavenly realm a peer ;
And as no peer is bound to swear.
But on the gospel of his honour,
Of which he may dispose as owner,
It follows, though the thing be forgery,
And false, th' affirm it is no perjury,
But a mere ceremony, and a breach
Of nothing, but a form of speech ;
And goes for no more when 'tis took,
Than mere saluting of the book.
Suppose the Scriptures are of force,
They're but commissions of course^
And saints have freedom to digress.
And vary from 'em, as they please ;
Or misinterpret them by private
Instructions, to all aims they drive at.
Then why should we ourselves abridge,
And curtail our own privilege ?
Quakers that, like to lanterns bear
Their light within 'em, will not swear;
Their gospel is an accidence,
By which they construe conscience.
And hold no sin so deeply red,
As that of breaking Priscian's head,
The head and founder of their order,
That stirring hats held worse than murder.
These thinking they're obliged to troth
In swearing, will not take an oath :
Like mules, who if they 'ave not their will
To keep their own pace, stand stock-still ;
But they are weak, and little know
What free-born consciences may do.
'Tis the temptation of the devil
That makes all human actions evil ;
For saints may do the same things by
The spirit, in sincerity.
Which other men are tempted to.
And at the devil's instance do ;

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 123

And yet the actions be contrary,

Just as the saints and wicked vary.

For as on land there is no beast

But in some fish at sea's expressed ;

So in the wicked there's no vice,

Of which the saints have not a spice ;

And yet that thing that's pious in

The one, in th' other is a sin.

Is't not ridiculous and nonsense,

A saint should be a slave to conscience,

That ought to be above such fancies,

As far as above ordinances ?

She's of the wicked, as I guess,

B' her looks, her language, and her dress :

And though, like constables, we search

For false wares one another's church ;

Yet all of us hold this for true,

No faith is to the wicked due.

The truth is precious and divine,

Too rich a pearl for carnal swine.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' All this is true ;
Yet 'tis not fit that all men knew
Those mysteries and revelations ;
And therefore topical evasions
Of subtle turns, and shifts of sense.
Serve best with th' wicked for pretence,
Such as the learned Jesuits use,
And Presbyterians, for excuse
Against the Protestants, when th' happen
To find their churches taken napping :
As thus ; A breach of oath is duple.
And either way admits a scruple.
And may be, ^.v parte of the maker.
More criminal than th' injured taker ;
For he that strains too far a vow,
Will break it, like an o'er-bent bow :
And he that made and forced it, broke it,
Not he that for convenience took it.
A broken oath 's, quatciuis oath,
As sound t' all purposes of troth,
As broken laws are ne'er the worse,
Nay, till they're broken have no force.

124 nUDlBRAS. [part li.

What's justice to a man, or laws,

That never comes within their claws ?

They have no power, but to admonish ;

Cannot control, coerce, or punish,

Until they're broken, and then touch

Those only that do make them such.

Beside, no engagement is allowed

By men in prison made, for good ;

For when they're set at liberty,

They're from th' engagement too set free.

The rabbins write, when any Jew

Did make to God or man a vow.

Which afterwards he found untoward,

And stubborn to be kept, or too hard,

Any three other Jews o' th' nation

Might free him from the obligation :

And have not two saints power to use

A greater privilege than three Jews ?

The court of conscience, which in man

Should be supreme and sovereign,

Is't fit should be subordinate

To ev'ry petty court i' the state,

And have less power than the lesser,

To deal with perjury at pleasure ?

Have its proceedings disallowed, or

Allowed, at fancy of pie-powder ?

Tell all it does, or does not know.

For swearing ex officio ?

Be forced t' impeach a broken hedge,

And pigs unringed at vis.fra?ic. pledge?

Discover thieves, and bawds, recusants.

Priests, witches, eaves-droppers, and nuisance ;

Tell who did play at games unlawful.

And who filled i)ots of ale but half-full ;

And have no power at all, nor shift,

'Jo help itself at a dead lift?

A\'hy should not conscience have vacation

As well as other courts o' th' nation?

Have equal power to adjourn,

Appoint appearance and return ?

And make as nice distinctions serve

To split a case, as those that carve,

tANTO li] HUDIBRAS. 125

Invoking cuckolds' names, hit joints?

Why should not tricks as slight, do points ?

Is not th' high-court of justice sworn

To judge that law that serves their turn ?

Make their own jealousies high-treason,

And fix them whomso'er they please on ?

Cannot the learned counsel there

Make laws in any shape appear?

Mould 'em as witches do their clay,

When they make pictures to destroy?

And vex them into any form

That fits their purpose to do harm? j

Rack 'em until they do confess.

Impeach of treason whom you please.

And most perfidiously condemn

Those that engaged their lives for them?

And yet do nothing in their own sense,

But what they ought by oath and conscience.

Can they not juggle, and with slight

Conveyance play with wrong and right ;

And sell their blasts of wind as dear,

As Lapland witdies bottled air ?

Will not fear, favour, bribe, and grudge,

The same case several ways adjudge?

As seamen with the self-same gale.

Will several different courses sail ;

As when the sea breaks o'er its bounds,

And overflows the level grounds,

Those banks and dams, that, like a screen,

Did keep it out, now keep it in ;

So when tyrann'cal usurpation

Invades the freedom of a nation.

The laws o' th' land, that were intended

To keep it out, are made defend it.

Does not in chancery every man swear

What makes best for him in his answer?

Is not the winding up witnesses.

And nicking, more than half the business ?

For witnesses, like watches, go

Just as they're set, too fast or slow ;

And where in conscience they're strait-laced,

'Tis ten to one that side is cast.

126 HUDIBRAS. [part tl.

Do not your juries give their verdict
As if they felt the cause, not heard it?
And as they please, make matter o' fact
Run all on one side, as they're packed ?
Nature has made man's breast no windores,
To publish what he does within doors ;
Nor what dark secrets there inhabit,
Unless his own rash folly blab it.
If oaths can do a man no good
In liis own business, why they should
In other matters do him hurt,
I think tliere's little reason for't.
He that imposes an oath makes it,
Not he that for convenience takes it :
Then how can any man be said
To break an oath he never made ?
These reasons may perhaps look oddly
To th' wicked, though they evince the godly ;
But if they will not serve to clear
My honour, I am ne'er the near.
Honour is like that glassy bubble,
That finds philosophers such trouble ;
Whose least part cracked, the whole does fly,
And wits are cracked to find out why.'
Quoth Ralpho, ' Honour's but a word

To swear by only in a lord :

In other men 'tis but a huff

To vapour with, instead of proof;

That, like a wen, looks big and swells,

Insenseless, and just nothing else.'
' Let it,' quoth he, ' be what it will,

It has the world's opinion still.

But as men are not wise that run

The slightest hazard they may shun,

There may a medium be found out

To clear to all the world the doubt ;

And that is, if a man may do't,

By proxy whipped, or substitute.'

* Though nice and dark the point appear,'

Quoth Ralph, ' it may hold up and clear.

That sinners may sup])ly the place

Of suffering saints, is a plain case.

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 127

Justice gives sentence, many times,
On one man for another's crimes.
Our brethren of New England use
Choice malefactors to excuse,
And hang the guiltless in their stead,
Of whom the churches have less need;
As lately 't happened : In a town
There lived a cobbler, and but one,
That out of doctrine could cut use,
And mend men's lives as well as shoes.
This precious brother having slain,
In times of peace, an Indian,
Not out of malice, but mere zeal,
Because he was an infidel,
The mighty Tottipottymoy
Sent to our elders an envoy,
Complaining sorely of the breach
Of league, held forth by brother Patch,
Against the articles in force
Between both churches, his and ours ;
For which he craved the saints to render
Into his hands, or hang, th' offender :
But they maturely having weighed
They had no more but him o' th' trade,
A man that served them in a double
Capacity, to teach and cobble,
Resolved to spare him ; yet to do
The Indian Hoghan Moghan too
Impartial justice, in his stead did
Hang an old weaver that was bed-rid.
Then wherefore may not you be skipped,
And in your room another whipped ?
For all philosophers, but the sceptic,
Hold whipping may be sympathetic'

' It is enough,' quoth Hudibras,
' Thou hast resolved, and cleared the case ;
And canst, in conscience, not refuse,
From thy own doctrine, to raise use.
I know thou wilt not, for my sake,
Be tender-conscienced of thy back :
Then strip thee of thy carnal jerkin,
And give thy outward-fellow a firkin :

128 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.

For when thy vessel is new hooped,
411 leaks of sinning will be stopped.'

Quoth Ralpho, ' You mistake the matter,
For in all scruples of this nature,
No man includes himself, nor turns
The point upon his own concerns.
As no man of his own self catches
The itch, or amorous French aches ;
So no man does himself convince.
By his own doctrine, of his sins :
And though all cry down self, none means
His own self in a literal sense :
Besides, it is not only foppish,
But vile, idolatrous, and popish.
For one man out of his own skin
To frisk and whip another's shi ;
As pedants out of school-boys' breeches
Do claw and curry their own itches
But in this case it is profane,
And sinful too, because in vain ;
For we must take our oaths upon it
You did the deed, when I have done it.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' That's answered soon ;
Give us the whip, we'll lay it on.'

Quoth Ralpho, ' That we may swear true,
'T were properer that I whipped you ;
For when with your consent 'tis done,
The act is really your own.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' It is in vain,
I see, to argue 'gainst the grain ;
Or, like the stars, incline men to
What they're averse themselves to do :
For when disputes are wearied out,
'Tis interest still resolves the doubt :
But since no reason can confute ye,
I'll try to force you to your duty ;
For so it is, howe'er you mince it,
As, e'er we part, I shall evince it, ;

And curry, if you stand out, whether ':

You will or no, your stubborn leather.
Canst thou refuse to bear thy part
V th' public work, base as thou art ?

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 129

To higgle thus, for a few blows,

To gain thy knight an op'lent sjjouse,

Whose wealth his bowels yearn to purchase,

Merely for th' interest of the churches ?

And when he has it in his claws,

Mill not be hide-bound to the cause ;

Nor shalt thou find him a curmudgeon,

If thou despatch it without grudging :

If not, resolve, before we go,

That you and I must pull a crow.'

' Ye 'ad best,' quoth Ralpho, ' as the ancients
Say wisely, Have a care o' th' main chance,
And, Look before you ere you leap ;
For, As you sow, ye're like to reap :
And were y' as good as George a Green,
I should make bold to turn again ;
Nor am I doubtful of the issue
In a just quarrel, and mine is so.
Is't fitting for a man of honour
To whip the saints, like Bishop Bonner ?
A knight t' usurp the beadle's office,
For which y' are like to raise brave trophies ?
But I advise you, not for fear,
But for your own sake, to forbear,
And for the churches, which may chance,
From hence, to spring a vaiiance,
And raise among themselves new scruples,
Whom common danger hardly couples.
Remember how in arms and politics
We still have worsted all your holy tricks ;
Trepanned your party with intrigue,
And took your grandees down a peg ;
New-modelled th' army, and cashiered
All that to Legion Smec adhered ;
Made a mere utensil o' your church,
And after left it in the lurch ;
A scaftbld to build up our own,
And when w' had done with 't pulled it down ;
O'er-reached your rabbins of the synod,
And snapped their canons with a why-not :
Grave synod-rnen, that were revered
For solid face, and depth of beard,

E

130 HUDIBRAS. [part il.

Their classic model proved a maggot,

Their direct'ry an Indian pagod ;

And drowned their discipline hke a kitten,

On which they'd been so long a sitting ;

Decried it as a holy cheat,

Grown out of date, and obsolete,

And all the saints of the first grass.

As casting foals of Balaam's ass.'

At this the knight grew high in chafe,
And, staring furiously on Ralph,
He trembled and looked pale with ire,
Like ashes first, then red as fire.
* Have I,' quoth he, ' been ta'en in fight,
And for so many moons lain by't,
And when all other means did fail,
Have been exchanged for tubs of ale ?
Not but they thought me worth a ransom
Much more considerable and handsome ;
But for their own sakes, and for fear
They were not safe, when I was there ;
Now to be bafiled by a scoundrel.
An upstart sect'ry, and a mongrel.
Such as breed out of peccant humours
Of our own church, like wens or tumours.
And like a maggot in a sore,
Would that which gave it life devour ;
It never shall be done or said : '
With that he seized upon his blade ;
And Ralpho too, as quick and bold,
Upon his basket-hilt laid hold,
With equal readiness prepared
To draw and stand upon his guard ,•
AVhen both were parted on the sudden,
Witli hideous clamour, and a loud one,
As if all sorts of noise had been
Contracted into one loud din ;
Or that some member to be chosen,
Had got the odds above a thousand ;
And, by the greatness of his noise,
Proved fittest for his country's choice.
This strange surprisal put the knight
And wrathful squire into a fright ;

CANTO 11,] IIUDIBRAS. 131

And thougli ihey stood prepared, with fatal
Impetuous rancour, to join battle,
Both thought it was the wisest course
To wave the tight, and mount to horse,
And to secure, by swift retreating,
Themselves from danger of worse beating ;
Yet neither of them would disparage,
By uttering of his mind, his courage,
Which made 'em stoutly keep their ground,
With horror and disdain wind-bound.
And now the cause of all their fear
By slow degrees approached so near.
They might distinguish different noise
Of horns, and pans, and dogs, and boys,
And kettle-drums, whose sullen dub
Sounds like the hooping of a tub.
But when the sight appeared in view,
They found it was an antique show ;
A triumph that, for pomp and state,
Did proudest Romans emulate :
For as the aldermen of Rome
Their foes at training overcome,
And not enlarging territory,
As some, mistaken, write in story,
Being mounted in their best array.
Upon a car, and who but they ?
And followed by a world of tall lads,
That merry ditties trolled, and ballads.
Did ride with many a good-morrow.
Crying, ' Hey for the town,' through the borough ;
So when this triumph drew so nigh
They might particulars descry.
They never saw two things so pat.
In all respects, as this and that.
First, he that led the cavalcate.
Wore a sow-gelder's flagellate.
On which he blew as strong a levet.
As well-fee'd lawyer on his brev'ate,
When over one another's heads
They charge, three ranks at once, like Sweads :
Next pans and ketdes of all keys.
From trebles down to double base ;

E 2

132 I ami BR AS. [fai.t II

And after them, upon a nag,

That might pass for a fore hand stag,

A cornet rode, and on his staff

A smock displayed did proudly wave.

Then bagpipes of the loudest drones,

With snuffling broken-winded tones,

Whose blasts of air, in pockets shut,

Sound filthier than from the gut,

And make a viler noise than swine,

In windy weather, when tliey whine.

Next one upon a pair of panniers,

Full fraught with that which, for good manners,

Shall here be nameless, mixed with grains,

Which he dispensed among the swains.

And busily upon the crowd

At random round about bestowed.

Then, mounted on a horned horse,

One bore a gauntlet and gilt spurs.

Tied to the pommel of a long sword

He held reversed, the point turned downward.

Next after, on a raw-boned steed,

The conqueror's standard-bearer rid,

And bore aloft before the champion

A petticoat displayed, and rampant ;

Near whom the Amazon triumphant

Bestrid her beast, and on the rump on't

Sat face to tail, and bum to bum.

The warrior whilom overcome ;

Armed with a spindle and a distaff,

Which, as he rode, she made him twist otf ;

And when he loitered, o'er her shoulder

Chastized the reformado soldier.

Before the dame, and round about,

Marched whiftlers, and staffiers on foot,

With lackej-s, grooms, valets, and pages.

In fit and proper equipages ;

Of whom some torches bore, some links,

Before the proud virago minx.

That was both madam, and a don.

Like Nero's Sporus, or pope Joan;

And at fit periods the whole rout

Set up their throats with clamorous shout.

CANTO 11.] IIUDIBRAS. 133

The knight transported, and the squire,
Put up their weapons, and their ire ;
And Hudibras, who used to ponder
On such sights with judicious wonder,
Could hold no longer to impart
His an'madversions, for his heart.

Quoth he, ' In all my life, till now,
I ne'er saw so profane a show ;
It is a paganish invention,
Which heathen writers often mention ;
And he who made it had read Goodwin,
Or Ross, or Caelius Rhodigine,
With all the Grecian Speeds and Stows,
That best describe those ancient shows ;
And has observed all fit decorums
We find described by old historians :
For, as the Roman conqueror.
That put an end to foreign war,
Entering the town in triumph for it,
Bore a slave wuh him in his chariot ;
So this insulting female brave,
Carries behind her here a slave :
And as the ancients long ago,
When they in field defied the foe,
Hung out their mantles della guerre^
So her proud standard-bearer here,
Waves on his spear, in dreadful manner,
A Tyrian petticoat for banner.
Next links and torches, heretofore
Still borne before the emperor :
And, as in antique triumph eggs
Were borne for mystical intrigues,
There's one, v/ith truncheon, like a ladle,
That carries eggs too, fresh or addle ;
And still at random, as he goes,
Among the rabble-rout bestows.'

Quoth Ralpho, * You mistake the matter ;
For all th' antiquity you smatter
Is but a riding used of course,
When the grey mare's the better horse ;
When o'er the breeches greedy women
Fight, to extend their vast dominion,

134 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.

And in the cause impatient Grizel
Has drubbed her husband when difficile,
And brought him under covert-baron,
To turn her vassal with a murrain ;
When wives their sexes shift, like hares,
Oppress their husbands, like night-mares ;
And they, in mortal battle vanquished,
Are of their charter disenfranchised,
And by the right of war, like gills,
Condemned to distaff, horns, and wheels :
For when men by their wives are cowed,
Their horns of course are understood.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' Thou still giv'st sentence
Impertinently, and against sense :
'Tis not the least disparagement
To be defeated by th' event.
Nor to be beaten by main force ;
That does not make a man the worse.
Although his shoulders, with battoon
Be clawed, and cudgelled to some tune ;
A tailor's prentice has no hard
Measure, that's banged with a true yard ;
But to turn tail, or run away,
And without blows give up the day ;
Or to surrender ere the assault,
That's no man's fortune, but his fault \
And renders men of honour less
Than all th' adversity of success ;
And only unto such this show
Of horns and petticoats is due.
There is a lesser profanation.
Like that the Romans called ovation :
For as ovation was allowed
For conquest purchased without blood ;
So men decree those lesser shows
For victory gotten without blows,
By dint of sharp hard words, which some
Give battle with, and overcome ;
These mounted in a chair-curule,
Which moderns call a cucking-stool,
March proudly to the river's side,
And o'er the waves in triumph ride :

CANTO II.] HUDIDRAS. 135

Like dukes of Venice, who are said

The Adriatic sea to wed,

And have a gentler wife than those

For whom the state decrees those shows.

But both are heathenish, and come

From th' whores of Babylon and Rome,

And by the saints should be withstood,

As antichristian and lewd ;

And we, as such should now contribute

Our utmost strugglings to prohibit.'

This said, they both advanced, and rode
A dog-trot through the bawling crowd
T' attack the leader, and still pressed,
Till they approached him breast to breast :
Then Hudibras, with face and hand.
Made signs for silence ; which obtained,
* What means,' quoth he, ■" this dev'l's procession
With men of orthodox profession ?
'Tis ethnic and idolatrous,
From heathenism derived to us.
Does not the whore of Bab'lon ride
Upon her horned beast astride.
Like this proud dame, who either is
A type of her, or she of this ?
Are things of superstitious function,
Fit to be used in gospel sunshine ?
It is an antichristian opera.
Much used in midnight times of popery ;
Of running after self-inventions
Of wicked and profane intentions ;
To scandalize that sex, for scolding,
To whom the saints are so beholden.
Women, who were our first apostles.
Without whose aid w' had all been lost else ;
Women, that left no stone unturned
In which the Cause might be concerned ;
Brought in their children's spoons and whistles,
To purchase swords, carbines, and pistols ;
Their husbands, cullies, and sweethearts,
To take the saints' and churches' parts :
Drew several gifted brethren in.
That for the bishops would have been,

156 HUDIBRAS, [part It

And fixed 'em constant to the party,

With motives powerful and hearty :

Their husbands robbed, and made hard shifts

T' administer unto tlieir gifts

All they could rap, and rend, and pilfer,

To scraps and ends of gold and silver ;

Rubbed down the teachers, tired and spen

With holding forth for parliament;

Pampered and edified their zeal

With marrow puddings many a meal :

Enabled them, with store of meat,

Or controverted points, to eat ;

And crammed them, till their guts did ache,

With caudle, custard, and plum-cake.

What have tliey done, or what left undone.

That might advance the Cause at London ?

Marched rank and file, with drum and ensign,

T' intrench the city for defence in :

Raised rampires with their own soft hands,

To put the enemy to stands ;

From ladies down to oyster wenches

Laboured like pioneers in trenches.

Fell to their pick-axes, and tools,

And helped the men to dig like moles?

Have not the handmaids of the city

Chose of their members a committee,

For raising of a common purse.

Out of their wages, to raise horse ?

And do they not as triers sit.

To judge what officers are fit?

Have they ' — At that an egg let fly,

Hit him directly o'er the eye,

And running down his cheek, besmeared,

With orange-tawny slime, his beard ;

But beard and slime being of one hue,

Tiie v/ound the less appeared in view.

Then he that on the panniers rode,

Let fly on th' other side a load,

And quickly charged again, gave fully,

In Ralpho's face another volley.

The knight was startled with the smell,

And for his sword began to feel ;

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. .137

And Ralpho, smothered with tlie stink,
Grasped his, when one that bore a Unk,
O' th' sudden clapped his flaming cudgel,
Like linstock, to tlie horse's touch-hole ;
And straight another, with his flambeau,
Gave Ralpho, o'er the eyes, a rammed blow.
The beasts began to kick and fling.
And forced the rout to make a ring ;
Through which they quickly broke their way,
And brought them off from further fray ;
And though disordered in retreat.
Each of them stoutly kept his seat :
For quitting both their swords and reins,
They grasped with all their strength the manes ;
And, to avoid the foe's pursuit.
With spurring put their cattle to't,
And till all four were out of wind,
And danger too, ne'er looked behind.
After they 'ad paused a while, supplying
Their spirits, spent with fight and flying,
And Hudibras recruited force
Of lungs, for action or discourse ;

Quoth he, ' That man is sure to lose
That fouls his hands with dirty foes :
For where no honour's to be gained,
'Tis thrown away in being maintained :
'Twas ill for us, we had to do
With so dishon'rable a foe :
For though the law of arms doth bar
The use of venomed shot in war.
Yet by the nauseous smell, and noisome,
Their case-shot savour strong of poison ;
And, doubtless, have been chewed with teeth
Of some that had a stinking breath ;
Else wnen we put it to the push,
They had not given us such a brush :
But as those poltroons that fling dirt
Do but defile, but cannot hurt ;
So all the honour they have won,
Or we have lost, is much at one,
'Twas well we made so resolute
A brave retreat, wiihout pursuit ;

138 HUDIBRAS. [part 11.

For if we had not, we had sped

Mucli worse, to be in triumph led ;

Than which the ancients held no state

Of man's life more unfortunate.

But if this bold adventure e'er

Do chance to reach the widow's ear,

It may, being destined to assert

Her sex's honour, reach her heart :

And as such homely treats, they say,

Portend good fortune, so this may.

Vespasian being daubed with dirt,

Was destined to the empire for't ;

And from a scavenger did come

To be a mighty prince in Rome :

And why may not this foul address

Presage in love the same success ?

Then let us straight, to cleanse our wounds,

Advance in quest of nearest ponds ;

And after, as we first designed.

Swear I've performed what she enjoined.'

CANTO III.

THE ARGUMENT.

The knight, with various doubts possessed, '

To win the lady goes in quest

Of Sidrophel the Rosicrucian,

To know destinies' resoUition ;

With whom being met, they botli chop logic

About the science abtrologic ;

Till falling from dispute to fight,

The conjurer's worsted by the knight.

Doubtless the pleasure is as great
Of being cheated, as to cheat ;
As lookers-on feel most delight,
That least perceive a juggler's sleight,
And still the less they understand,
The more th' admire his sleight of hand.

Some with a noise, and greasy light,
Are snapped, as men catch larks by night,
Ensnared and hampered by the soul,
As nooses by the legs catch fowl.
Some, with a medicine, and receipt,
Are drawn to nibble at the bait ;
And though it be a two-foot trout,
'Tis with a single hair pulled out.

Others believe no voice t' an organ
So sweet as lawyer's in I^is bar-gown,
Until, with subtle cobweb-cheats,
They're catched in knotted law, like nets ;
In which, when they are once imbrangled,
The more they stir, the more they're tangled ;
And while their purses can dispute.
There's no end of th' immortal suit.

Others still gape t' anticipate
The cabinet-designs of fate,
Apply to wizards, to foresee
What shall, and what shall never be ;

140 HUDIBRAS \y_^^-^ ,1.

And as those vultures do forbode,
Believe events prove bad or good :
A flam more senseless than the roguery
Of old aruspicy and augur}',
That out of garbages of cattle
Presaged th' events of truce or battle ;
From flight of birds, or chickens pecking,
Success of great'st attempts would reckon :
Though cheats, yet more intelligible
Than those that with the stars do fribble.
This Hudibras by proof found true,
As in due time and place we'll show ;
For he, with beard and face made clean,

Being mounted on his steed again

And Ralpho got a cock-horse too,
Upon his beast, with much ado-

Advanced on for the widow's house,
T' acquit himself, and pay his vows ;
When various thoughts began to busde,
And with his inward man to justle.
He thought what danger might accrue,
If she should find he swore untrue ;
Or if his squire or he should fail,
And not be punctual in their tale,
It might at once the ruin prove
Both of his honour, faith, and love :
But if he should forbear to go,
She might conclude he 'ad broke his vow ;
And that he durst not now, for shame,
Appear in court to try his claim.
This was the pen'worth of his thought.
To pass time, and uneasy trot.

Quoth he, ' In all my past adventures
I ne'er was set so on the tenters.
Or taken tardy with dilemma,
That every way I turn does hern me,
And with inextricable doubt,
Besets m^y puzzled wits about :
For though the dame has been my bail,
To free me from enchanted jail,
Yet, as a dog, committed close
For some oftence, by chance breaks loose,

CANTO 111.] HUDIBRAS. i^i

And quits his clog ; but all in vain,
He still draws after him his chain :
So though my ankle she has quitted,
My heart continues still committed ;
And like a bailed and mainprized lover,
Although at large, I am bound over :
And when I shall appear in court
To plead my cause, and answer for't,
Unless the judge do partial prove,
What will become of me and love ?
For if in our account we vary,
Or but in circumstance miscarry ;
Or if she put me to strict proof,
And make me pull my doublet off,
To show, by evident record,
"Writ on my skin, I've kept my word,
How can I e'er expect to have her,
Having demurred unto her favour ?
But faith, and love, and honour lost.
Shall be reduced t' a knight o' th' post ?
Beside, that stripping may prevent
What I'm to prove by argument.
And justify I have a tail,
And that way, too, my proof may fail.
Oh ! that I could enucleate,
And solve the problems of my fate ;
Or find, by necromantic art,
How far the destinies take my part ;
For if I were not more than certain
To win and wear her, and her fortune,
I'd go no farther in this courtship,
To hazard soul, estate, and worship :
For though an oath obliges not.
Where any thing is to be got.
As thou hast proved, yet 'tis profane,
And sinful, when men swear in vain.'

Quoth Ralph, ' Not far from hence dcth dwell
A cunning man, hight Sidrophel,
That deals in destiny's dark counsels,
And sage opinions of the moon sells,
To whom all people, far and near.
On deep importances repair :

142 HUDIBRAS. [part il.

When brass and pewter hap to stray,
And Hnen slinks out o' the way,
When geese and pullen are seduced.
And sows of sucking pigs are chowsed ;
When cattle feel indisposition,
And need th' opinion of physician ;
When murrian reigns in hogs or sheep.
And chickens languish of the pip ;
When yeast and outward means do fail,
And have no power to work on ale ;
When butter does refuse to come,
And love proves cross and humoursome ;
To him with questions, and with urine.
They for discovery flock, or curing.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' This Sidrophel
I've heard of, and should like it well.
If thou canst prove the saints have freedom
To go to sorcerers when they need 'em,'

Says Ralpho, ^ There's no doubt of that ;
Those principles I quoted late
Prove that the godly may allege
For any thing their privilege,
And to the devil himself may go,
If they have motives thereunto :
For as there is a war between
The devil and them, it is no sin
If they, by subtle stratagem,
Make use of him, as he does them.
Has not this present parliament
A ledger to the devil sent,
Fully empowered to treat about
Finding revolted witches out ?
And has not he, within a year,
Hanged threescore of 'em in one shire ?
Some only for not being drowned,
And some for sitting above ground,
Whole days and nights, upon their breeches.
And feeling pain, were hanged for witches ;
And some for putting knavish tricks
Upon green cheese and turkey-chicks,

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 143

Or pigs, that suddenly deceased

Of griefs unnatural, as he guessed ;

Who after proved himself a witch,

And made a rod for his own breech.

Did not the devil appear to Martin

Luther in Germany for certain ?

And w^ould have gulled him with a trick,

But Mart, was too, too politic.

Did he not help the Dutch to purge.

At Antwerp, their cathedral church?

Sing catches to the saints at Mascon,

And tell them all they came to ask him?

Meet with the parliament's committee,

At Woodstock, on a personal treaty ?

At Sarum take a cavaliei",

I' th' Cause's service, prisoner ?

As Withers, in immortal rhyme,

Has registered to after-time.

Do not our great reformers use

This Sidrophel to forbode news ;

To write of victories next year,

And castles taken, yet i' th' air ?

Of battles fought at sea, and ships

Sunk, two years hence ? the last eclipse ?

A total o'erthrow given the king

In Cornwall, horse and foot, next spring ?

And has not he point-blank foretold

Whats'e'er the close committee would ?

Made Mars and Saturn for the cause,

The moon for fundamental laws ?

The Ram, the Bull, and Goat, declare

Against the Book of Common-Prayer ?

The Scorpion take the protestation.

And Bear engage for reformation ?

Made all the royal stars recant,

Compound and take the covenant ? '

Quoth Hudibras. ' The case is clear
The saints may employ a conjurer,
As thou hast proved it by their practice ;
No argument like matter of fact is :
And we are best of all led to
Men's principles, by what they do,

144 HUD I BRAS. [part fl.

Then let us straight advance in quest
Of this profound gymnosophist,
And as the fates and he advise,
Pursue, or waive this enterprise.'

This said, he turned about his steed,
And eftsoons on th' adventure rid ;
Where leave we him and Ralph a while,
And to the Conjurer turn our stile.
To let our reader understand
What's useful of him before-hand.
He had been long t'wards mathematics,
Optics, philosophy, and statics,
Magic, horoscopy, astrology,
And was old dog at physiology ;
But as a dog that turns the spit
Bestirs himself, and plies his feet
To climb the wheel, but all in vain,
His own weight brings him down again.
And still he's in the self-same place
Where at his setting out he was ;
So in the circle of the arts
Did he advance his natural parts.
Till falling back still, for retreat,
He fell to juggle, cant, and cheat :
For as those fowls that live in water
Are never wet, he did but smatter ;
Whate'er he laboured to appear,
His understanding still was clear ;
Yet none a deeper knowledge boasted.
Since old Hodge Bacon, and Bob Grosted.
Th' intelligible world he knew.
And all men dream on't to be true.
That in this world there's not a wart
That has not there a counterpart ;
Nor can there, on the face of ground
An individual beard be found
That has not, in that foreign nation,
A fellow of the self-same fashion ;
So cut, so coloured, and so curled,
As those arc in th' inferior world.
He 'ad read Dee's prefaces before
The devil, and Euclid, o'er and o'er :

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 145

And all th' intrigues 'twixt him and Kelly,

Lescus and th' emperor, wou'd tell ye :

But with the moon was more famiUar

Than e'er was ahnanack well-wilier ;

Her secrets understood so clear,

That some believed he had been there ]

Knew when she was in fittest mood

For cutting corns, or letting blood ;

Whether the wane be, or increase.

Best to set garlic, or sow peas ;

Who first found out the man i' th' moon.

That to the ancients was unknown ;

How many dukes, and earls, and peers,

Are in the planetary spheres,

Their airy empire, and command,

Their several strengths by sea and land ;

What factions they 'ave, and what they drive at

In public vogue, or what in private ;

With what designs and interests

Each party manages contests.

He made an instrument to know

If the moon shine at full or no ;

That would, as soon as e'er she shone, straiglit

Whether 'twere day or night demonstrate ;

Tell what her d'ameter to an inch is.

And prove that she's not made of green cheese.

It wou'd demonstrate, that the man in

The moon's a sea Mediterranean ;

And that it is no dog nor bitch

That stands behind him at his breech,

But a huge Caspian sea, or lake,

Witli arms, which men for legs mistake;

How large a guljjli his tail composes,

And what a goodly bay his nose is ;

How many German leagues by th' scale

Cape snout's from promontory tail.

He made a planetary gin,

Which rats would run their own heads in,

And come on purpose to be taken.

Without th' expense of cheese or bacon.

With lute-strings he would counterfeit

Maggots, that crawl on dish of meat ;

146 HUDIBRAS. [fart II.

Quote moles and spots on any place

O' th' body, by the index face ;

Detect sly love affairs by sneezing,

Or catching breath of dames, or wheezing ;

Cure warts and corns, with application

Of medicines to th' imagination ;

Fright agues into dogs, and scare,

With rhymes, the toothache and catarrh ;

Chase evil spirits away by dint

Of sickle, horse-shoe, hollow-flint ;

Spit fire out of a walnut-shell,

Which made the Roman slaves rebel ;

And fire a mine in China here,

With sympathetic gunpowder.

He knew whats'ever's to be known,

But much more than he knew would own.

What medicine 'twas that Paracelsus

Could make a man with, as he tells us ;

What figured slates are best to make,

On watery surface, duck or drake ;

What bowling-stones, in running race

Upon a board, have swiftest pace ;

Whether a pulse beat in the black

List of a dappled louse's back ;

If systole or diastole move

Quickest when he's in wrath, or love ;

When two of them do run a race,

Whether they gallop, trot, or pace ;

How many scores a flea will jump.

Of his own length, from head to rump.

Which Socrates and Cheerephon

In vain assayed so long agone ;

Whether his snout a perfect nose is,

And not an elephant's proboscis ;

How many different specieses

Of maggots breed in rotten cheese ;

And which are next of kin to those

Engendered in a chandler's nose ;

Or those not seen, but understood,

That live in vinegar and wood.

A paltry wretch he had, half starved,
That him in place of zany served,

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 147

Hight Whachum, bred to dash and draw,

Not wine, but more unwholesome law ;

To make 'twixt words and lines huge gaps,

Wide as meridians in maps ;

To squander paper, and spare ink.

Or cheat men of their words, some think.

From this, by merited degrees.

He'd to more high advancement rise.

To be an under-conjurer,

Or journeyman astrologer :

His business was to pump and wheedle.

And men with their own keys unriddle ;

To make them to themselves give answers,

For which they pay the necromancers ;

To fetch and carry intelligence

Of whom, and what, and where, and whence,

And all discoveries disperse

Among th' whole pack of conjurers ;

What cut-purses have left with them,

For the right owners to redeem,

And what they dare not vent, find out,

To gain themselves and th' art repute ;

Draw figures, schemes, and horoscopes,

Of Newgate, Bridewell, brokers' shops,

Of thieves ascendant in the cart,

And find out all by rules of art :

Which way a serving-man, that's run

With clothes or money away, is gone ;

Who picked a fob at holding-forth.

And where a watch, for half the worth,

May be redeemed ; or stolen plate

Restored at conscionable rate.

Beside all this, he served his master

In quality of poetaster.

And rhymes appropriate could make

To every month i' th' almanack ;

Where terms begin, and end, could tell,

With their returns, in doggerel ;

When the exchequer opes and shuts,

And sow gelder with safety cuts ;

When men may eat and drink their fill,

And when be temperate, if they will ;

i.i.S HUDIBRAS. [part

When use, and when abstain from vice..

Figs, grapes, phlebotomy, and spice.

And as in prison mean rogues beat

Hemp for the service of the great,

So Whachum beat his dirty brains

T' advance his master's fame and gains.

And, hke the devil's oracles,

Put into doggerel rhymes his spells,

Which, over ev'ry month's blank page

r th' almanack, strange bilks presage.

He would an elegy compose

On maggots squeezed out of his nose;

In lyric numbers write an ode on

His mistress, eating a black-pudden ;

And, when imprisoned air escaped her,

It pufted him with poetic rapture ;

His sonnets charmed th' attentive crowd,

By wide-mouthed mortal trolled aloud,

That, circled with his long-eared guests.

Like Orpheus looked among the beasts :

A carman's horse could not pass by.

But stood tied up to poetry ;

No porter's burthen passed along,

But served for burthen to his song :

Each window like a pillory appears.

With heads thrust through, nailed by the ears;

All trades run in as to the sight

Of monsters, or their dear delight

The gallows-tree, when cutting purse

Breeds business for heroic verse.

Which none does hear, but would liave hung

T' have been the theme of such a song.

Those two together long had lived,
In mansion, i)rudently contrived,
Where neither tree nor house could bar
The free detection of a star ;
And nigh an ancient obelisk
Was raised by him, found out by Fisk,
On which was written, not in words,
But hieroglyphic mute of birds,
Many rare pithy saws, concerning
The worth of astrologic learning :

CANTO III. J ffWDlBRAS. I49

From top of this there hung a rope,

To which he fastened telescope;

The spectacles with which the stars

He reads in smallest characters.

It happened as a boy, one night,

Did fly his tarsel of a kite,

The strangest long-winged hawk that flies,

That, like a bird of Paradise,

Or herald's martlet, has no legs,

Nor hatches young ones, nor lays eggs ;

His train was six yards long, milk-white,

At th' end of which there hung a light,

Enclosed in lantern made of paper,

That far off" like a star did appear :

This Sidrophel by chance espied,

And with amazement staring wide ;

* Bless us,' quoth he, ' what dreadful wonder

Is that appears in heaven yonder ?

A comet, and without a beard !

Or star that ne'er before appeared?

I'm certain 'tis not in the scroll

Of all those beasts, and fish, and fowl,

With which, like Indian plantations.

The learned stock the constellations ;

Nor those that, drawn for signs, have been

To th' houses where the planets inn.

It must be supernatural,

Unless it be that cannon-ball

That, shot i' th' air, point-blank upright,

Was borne to that prodigious heiglit,

That, learned philosophers maintain,

It ne'er came backwards down again.

But in the airy region yet

Hangs, like the body of Mahomet :

For if it be above the shade,

That by the earth's round bulk is made,

' Tis probable it may, from far.

Appear no bullet, but a star.'

This said, he to his engine flew,
Placed near at hand, in open view,
And raised it, till it levelled right
Against the glow-worm tail of kite ;

150 HUDIBRAS. [part II.

Then peeping through, ' Bless us/ quoth he,

' It is a planet, now, I see ;

And, if I err not, by his proper

Figure, that's like tobacco-stopper,

It should be Saturn : yes, 'tis clear

'Tis Saturn; but Avhat makes him there?

He's got between the Dragon's tail

And farther leg behind o' th' Whale ;

Pray heaven divert the fatal omen,

For 'tis a prodigy not common,

And can no less than the world's end,

Or Nature's funeral, portend.'

'S<!\\\\ that, he fell again to pry

Through perspective, more AvistfuUy,

When, by mischance, the fatal string.

That kept the towering fowl on wing,

Breaking, down fell the star. ' Well shot,'

Quoth Whachum, who right wisely thought

He 'ad levelled at a star, and hit it ;

But Sidrophel, more subtle-witted.

Cried out, ' What horrible and fearful

Portent is this, to see a star fall !

It threatens nature, and the doom

Will not be long before it com.e !

When stars do fall, 'tis plain enough

The day of judgment's not far off;

As lately 'twas revealed to Sedgwick,

And some of us find out by magic :

Then, since the time we have to live

In this world's shortened, let us strive

To make our best advantage of it,

And pay our losses with our profit.'

This feat fell out not long before
The knight, upon the forenamed score.
In quest of Sidrophel advancing,
Was now in prospect of the mansion ;
Whom he discovering, turned his glass,
And found for off 'twas Hudibras.

' Whachum/ quoth he, ' look yonder, some
To try or use our art are come :
The one's the learned knight ; seek out.
And pump 'em what they come about.'

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 151

Whachum advanced, with all submiss'ness

T' accost 'em, but much more their business ;

He held a stirrup, while the knight

From leathern Bare-bones did alight ;

And, taking from his hand the bridle,

Approached, the dark squire to unriddle.

He gave him first the time o' th' day,

And welcomed him, as he might say :

He asked him whence they came, and whither

Their business lay ? Quoth Ralpho, ' Hither.'

' Did you not lose '—Quoth Ralpho, ' Nay.'

Quoth Whachum, 'Sir, I meant your way!

Your knight,' — Quoth Ralpho, ' Is a lover, —

And pains intol'rable doth suffer;

For lovers' hearts are not their own hearts,

Nor lights, nor lungs, and so forth downwards.'

' What time ' — Quoth Ralpho, ' Sir, too long.

Three years it off and on has hung — '

Quoth he, ' I meant what time o' the day 'tis ; '

Quoth Ralpho, ' Between seven and eight 'tis.'

' Why then,' quoth Whachum, ' my small art

Tells me the dame has a hard heart,

Or great estate.' — Quoth Ralph, * A jointure.

Which makes him have so hot a mind t' her.'

Meanwhile the knight was taking water,
Before he fell upon the matter ;
Which having done, the wizard steps in,
To give him a suitable reception ;
But kept his business at a bay,
Till Whachum put him in the way ;
Who having now, by Ralpho's light,
Expounded th' errand of the knight,
And what he came to know, drew near
To whisper in the conjurer's ear.
Which he prevented thus : * What was't,'
Quoth he, ' That I was saying last.
Before these gentlemen arrived?'
Quoth Whachum, ' Venus you retrieved
In opposition with Mars,
And no benign or friendly stars
T' allay the effect.' Quoth wizard, <■ So !
In Virgo ? ha ! ' (^)uoth Whachum, ' No : '

152 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.

' Has Saturn nothing to do in it ? '
'■ One tenth of 's circle to a minute ? '
' 'Tis well,' quoth he — ' Sir, you'll excuse
This rudeness I am forced to use ;
It is a scheme, and face of heaven
As th' aspects are disposed this even,
I was contemplating upon
When you arrived ; but novv I've done.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' If I appear
Unseasonable in coming here
At such a time, to interrupt
Your speculations, which I hoped
Assistance from, and come to use,
'Tis fit that I ask your excuse.'

' By no means. Sir,' quoth Sidrophel,
The stars your coming did foretell ;
I did expect you here, and knew,
Before you spake, your business too.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' Make that appear,
And I shall credit whatsoe'er
You tell me after, on your word,
Howe'er unlikely, or absurd.'

'■ You are in love, Sir, with a widow,'
Quoth he, ' that does not greatly heed you,
And for three years had rid your wit
And passion, without drawing bit;
And now your business is to know
If you shall carry her, or no.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' You're in the right,
But how the devil you come by't
I can't imagine ; for the stars,
I'm sure, can tell no more than a horse ;
Nor can their aspects, though you pore
Your eyes out on 'em, tell you more
Than tli' oracle of sieve and shears,
That turns as certain as the spheres ;
But if the devil's of your counsel.
Much may be done, my noble donzcl ;
And 'tis on his account I come,
To know from you my fatal doom.'

Quoth Sidrophel, ' Jf you suppose,
Sir Knight, tliat I am one of those,

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 153

I might suspect, and take the alarm,

Your business is but to inform ;

But if it be, 'tis ne'er the near,

You have a wrong sow by the ear ;

For I assure you, for my part,

I only deal by rules of art ;

Such as are lawful, and judge by

Conclusions of astrology;

But for the devil, know nothing by him.

But only this that I defy him.'

Quoth he, ' Whatever others deem ye,
I understand your metonymy ;
Your words of second-hand intention,
When things by wrongful names you mention ;
The mystic sense of all \'our terms,
That are indeed but magic charms
To raise the devil, and mean one thing
And that is downright conjuring ;
And in itself more warrantable
Than cheat or canting to a rabble.
Or putting tricks upon the moon,
Which by confederacy are done.
Your ancient conjurers were wont
To make her from her sphere dismount,
And to their incantation stoop ;
They scorned to pore through telescope,
Or idly play at bo-peep with her,
To find out cloudy or fair weather.
Which every almanack can tell,
Perhaps as learnedly and well
As you yourself — Then, friend, I doubt
You go the farthest way about :
Your modern Indian magician
Makes but a hole in th' earth to fish in,
And straight resolves all questions by't,
And seldom fails to be i' th' right.
The Rosicrucian way's more sure
To bring the devil to the lure ;
Each of 'em has a several gin,
To catch intelligences in.
Some by the nose, with fumes, trepan 'em,
As Dunstan did the devil's grannam ;

154 HUDIBRAS. [part il.

Others with cliaracters and words

Catch 'em, as men in nets do birds ;

And some with symbols, signs, and tricks,

Engraved in planetary nicks,

With their own influences will fetch 'em

Down from their orbs, arrest and catch 'em ;

Make 'em depose and answer to

All questions, ere they let them go,

Bombastus kept a devil's bird

Shut in the pommel of his sword,

That taught him all the cunning pranks

Of past and future mountebanks.

Kelly did all his feats upon

'Hie devil's looking-glass, a stone.

Where, playing with him at bo-peep,

He solved all problems ne'er so deep.

Agrippa kept a Stygian pug,

I' th' garb and habit of a dog,

That was his tutor, and the cur

Read to th' occult philosopher,

And taught him subtly to maintain

All other sciences are vain.'

To this, quoth Sidrophello, ' Sir,
Agrippa was no conjurer,
Nor Paracelsus, no, nor Behmen ;
Nor was the dog a cacoda^mon,
But a true dog, that would show tricks
For th' emperor, and leap o'er sticks ;
Would fetch and carry, was more civil
Than other dogs, and yet no devil \
And whatsoe'er he's said to do,
He went the self-same way we go.
As for the Rosy-cross philosophers.
Whom you will have to be but sorcerers.
What they pretend to is no more
Than Trismegistus did before,
Pythagoras, old Zoroaster,
And Apollonius their master.
To whom they do confess they owe
All that they do, and all they know.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' Alas ! what is't t' us
Whether 'twas said by Trismegistus,

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 155

If it be nonsense, false, or mystic,
Or not intelligible, or sophistic ?
'Tis not antiquity, nor author.
That makes truth truth, although Time's daughter ;
'Twas he that put her in the pit,
Before he pulled her out of it ;
And as he eats his sons, just so
He feeds upon his daughters too.
Nor does it follow, 'cause a herald
Can make a gentleman, scarce a year old.
To be descended of a race
Of ancient kings in a small space.
That we should all opinions hold
Authentic, that we can make old.'
Quoth Sidrophel, ' It is no part
Of prudence to cry down an art,
And what it may perform, deny,
Because you understand not why ;
As Averrois played but a mean trick.
To damn our whole art for eccentric ;
For who knows all that knowledge contains ?
Men dwell not on the tops of mountains,
But on their sides, or risings, seat;
So 'tis with knowledge's vast height.
Do not the histories of all ages
Relate miraculous presages
Of strange turns, in the world's affairs,
Foreseen b' astrologers, soothsayers,
Chaldeans, learned Genethliacs,
And some that have writ almanacks ?
The Median emperor dreamt his daughter
Had drowned all Abia under water.
And that a vine, sprung from her haunches,
O'erspread his empire with its branches ;
And did not soothsayers expound it,
As after by th' event he found it ?
When Csesar in the senate fell.
Did not the sun eclipsed foretell,
And, in resentment of his slaughter,
Looked pale for almost a year after ?
Augustus having, b' oversight,
Put on his left shoe 'fore his right,

1S6 HUDIBEAS. [part ii.

Had like to have been slain that day,

By soldiers mutining for pay.

Are there not myriads of this sort,

Which stories of all times report?

Is it not ominous in all countries,

When crows and ravens croak upon trees ?

The Roman senate, when within

The city walls an owl was seen,

Did cause their clergy, with lustrations,

Our synod calls humiliations.

The round-faced prodigy t' avert

From doing town or country hurt.

And if an owl have so much power.

Why should not planets have much more,

That in a region far above

Inferior fowls of the air move,

And should see further, and foreknow

More than their augury below ?

Though that once served the polity

Of mighty states to govern by ;

And this is what we take in hand.

By powerful art, to understand ;

Which, how we have performed, all ages

Can speak th' events of our presages.

Have we not lately in the moon.

Found a new world, to th' old unknown ?

Discovered sea and land, Columbus

And Magellan could never compass ?

Made mountains with our tubes appear,

And cattle grazing on 'em there ? '

Quoth Hudibras, ' You lie so ope,
That I, without a telescope,
Can find your tricks out, and descry
Where you tell truth, and where you lie :
For Anaxagoras, long agone.
Saw hills, as well as you, i' th' moon,
And held the sun was but a piece
Of red-hot iron as big as Greece ;
Believed the heavens were made of stone,
Because the sun had voided one ;
And, rather than he would recant
Th' opinion, suffered banishment.

CANTO III.] IIUDIBRAS. 157

But what, alas ! is it to us,
Whether i' th' moon, men thus or thus
Do eat their porridge, cut their corns,
Or whether they have tails or horns ?
What trade from thence can you advance,
But what we nearer have from France ?
What can our travellers bring home,
That is not to be learned at Rome ?
What politics, or strange opinions,
That are not in our own dominions ?
What science can be brought from thence,
In which we do not here commence ?
What revelations, or religions,
That are not in our native regions ?
Are sweating lanterns, or screen-fans.
Made better there than they're in France?
Or do they teach to sing and play
O' th' guitar there a newer way ?
Can they make plays there, that shall fit
The public humour with less wit ?
Write wittier dances, quainter shows,
Or fight with more ingenious blows ?
Or does the man i' th' moon look big.
And wear a huger periwig ?
Show in his gait, or face, more tricks
Than our own native lunatics ?
But if w' outdo him here at home,
What good of your design can come?
As wind i' th' hypocondres pent.
Is but a blast, if downward sent,
But if it upward chance to fly.
Becomes new lic^dit and prophecy;
So when your speculations tend
Above their just and useful end.
Although they promise strange and great
Discoveries of things far set,
They are but idle dreams and flmcies,
And savour strongly of the ganzas.
Tell but me what's the natural cause
Why on a sign no painter draws
The full-moon ever, but the half?
Resolve that with your Jacob's staff;

158 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.

Or why wolves raise a hubbub at her,
And dogs howl when she shines in water ?
And I shall freely give my vote,
You may know something more remote.'

At this, deep Sidrophel looked wise,
And staring round with owl-like eyes,
He put his face into a posture
Of sapience, and began to bluster ;
For having three times shook his head
To stir his wit up, thus he said :
' Art has no mortal enemies
Next ignorance, but owls and geese ;
Those consecrated geese, in orders,
That to the Capitol were warders,
And being then upon patrol.
With noise alone beat off the Gaul ;
Or those Athenian sceptic owls,
That will not credit their own souls,
Or any science understand.
Beyond the reach of eye or hand;
But measuring all things by their own
Knowledge, hold nothing's to be known ;
Those wholesale critics, that in coffee-
Houses cry down all philosophy.
And will not know upon what ground
In nature we our doctrine found,
Although with pregnant evidence
We can demonstrate it to sense,
As I just now have done to you.
Foretelling what you came to know.
Were the stars only made to light
Robbers and burglarers by night ?
To wait on drunkards, thieves, gold-finders,
And lovers solacing behind doors,
Or giving one another pledges
Of matrimony under hedges?
Or witches simpling, and on gibbets
Cutting from malefactors snippets ?
Or from the pillory tips of ears
Of rebel-saints and perjurers?
Only to stand by, and look on,
But not know what is said or done ?

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 159

Is there a constellation there

That was not born and bred up here ;

And therefore cannot be to learn

In any inferior concern ?

Were they not, during all their lives,

Most of 'em pirates, whores, and thieves ?

And is it like they have not still,

In their old practices, some skill?

Is there a planet that by birth

Does not derive its house from earth ;

And therefore probably must know

What is, and hath been done below ?

Who made the Balance, or whence came

The Bull, the Lion, and the Ram ?

Did not we here the Argo rig,

Make Berenice's periwig?

Whose livery does the coachman wear?

Or who made Cassiopeia's chair ?

And therefore, as they came from hence,

With us may hold intelligence.

Plato denied the world can be

Governed without geometry.

For money b'ing the common scale

Of things by measure, weight, and tale,

In all th' affairs of church and state,

'Tis both the balance and the weight ;

Then much less can it be without

Divine astrology made out,

That puts the other down in worth,

As far as heaven's above the earth.'

' These reasons,' quoth the knight, ' I grant
Are something more significant
Than any that the learned use
Upon this subject to produce;
And yet they're far from satisfactory,
T' establish and keep up your factory.
Th' Egyptians say, the sun has twice
Shifted his setting and his rise ;
Twice has he risen in the west,
As many times set in tlie east ;
But whether that be true or no,
The devil any of you know.

i6o HUDIBRAS. . [part II.

Some hold, the lieavens, like a top,

Are kept by circulation up,

And were't not for their wheeling round,

They'd instantly fall to the ground ;

As sage Empedocles of old,

And from him modern authors hold.

Plato believed the sun and moon

Eelow all other planets run.

Some Mercury, some Venus seat

Above the Sun himself in height.

The learned Scaliger complained

'Gainst what Copernicus maintained,

That in twelve hundred years, and odd,

The Sun had left its ancient road,

And nearer to the Earth is come

'Bove fifty thousand miles from home ;

Swore 'twas a most notorious flam,

And he that had so little shame

To vent such fopperies abroad,

Deserved to have his rump well clawed j

Which Monsieur Bodin hearing, swore

That he deserved the rod much more,

That durst upon a truth give doom,

He knew less than the pope of Rome.

Cardan believed great states depend

Upon the tip o' th' IJear's-tail's end ;

That as she whisked it towards the Sun,

Strowed mighty empires up and down ;

Which others say must needs be false,

Because your true bears have no tails.

Some say the Zodiac constellations

Have long since changed their antique stations

Above a sign, and prove the same

In Taurus now, once in the Ram ;

Affirmed the Trigons chopped and changed.

The watery with the fiery ranged ;

Then how can their effects still hold

To be the same they were of old?

This, though the art were true, would make

Our modern soothsayers mistake,

And is one cause they tell more lies,

In figures and nativities.

CANTO III.] HVDIBRAS, i6i

Than th' old Chaldean conjurers,

In so many hundred thousand years ;

Besides their nonsense in translating,

For want of accidence and Latin,

Like Idus, and Calendar, engiished

The quarter-days, by skilful linguist ;

And yet with canting, sleight, and cheat,

'Twill serve their turn to do the feat ;

Make ffiols believe in their foreseeing

Of things before they are in being ;

To swallow gudgeons ere they're catched,

And count their chickens ere they're hatched ;

Make them the constellations prompt.

And give 'em back their own accompt ;

But still the best to him that gives

The best price for't, or best believes.

Some towns, some cities, some, for brevity,

Have cast the 'versal world's nativity.

And made the infant-stars confess.

Like fools or children, what they please.

Some calculate the hidden fates

Of monkeys, puppy-dogs, and cats;

Some running-nags, and fighting-cocks ;

Some love, trade, law-suits, and the stocks :

Some take a measure of the lives

Of fathers, mothers, husbands, wives,

Make opposition, trine, and quartile.

Tell who is barren, and who fertile ;

As if the planet's first aspect

The tender infant did infect

In soul and body, and instil

All future good and future ill ;

Which in their dark fatal'ties lurking,

At destined periods fall a-working.

And break out, like the hidden seeds

Of long diseases, into deeds,

In friend?hi[)s, enmities, and strife,

And all ih' emergencies of life :

No sooner does he peep into

The world, but he has done his do,

Catched all diseases, took all physic

That cures or kills a man that is sick ;

iC2 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.

Married his punctual dose of wives,
Is cuckolded, and breaks, or thrives.
There's but the twinkling of a star
Between a man of peace and war ;
A thief and justice, fool and knave.
A huffing officer and a slave ;
A crafty lawyer and pickpocket,
A great philosopher and a blockhead ;
A formal preacher and a player, •
A learned physician and manslayer ;
As if men from the stars did suck
Old age, diseases, and ill-luck,
And draw, with the first air they breathe,
Battle and murder, sudden death.
Are not these fine commodities
To be imported from the skies,
And vended here among the rabble,
For staple goods and warrantable ?
Like money by the Druids borrowed,
In th' other world to be restored.'

Quoth Sidrophel, ' To let you know
You wrong the art and artists too.
Since arguments are lost on those
That do our principles oppose,
I will, although I've done 't before,
Demonstrate to your sense once more.
And draw a figure that shall tell you
What you, perhaps, forget befel you ;
By way of horary inspection,
Which some account our worst erection.

With that, he circles draws, and squares,
With cyphers, astral characters,
Then looks 'em o'er to understand 'em,
Although set down hab-nab, at random.

Quoth he, ' This scheme of th' heavens set,
Discovers how in fight you met.
At Kingston, with a may-pole idol,
And that y' were banged both back and side well;
And though you overcame the bear.
The dogs beat you at Brentford fair ;
Where sturdy butchers broke your noddle,
And handled you like a fop doodle.'

CANTO in.] HVDIBRAS. 163

Qnoth Hudibras, ' I now perceive
You are no conjurer, by your leave :
That paltry story is untrue,
And forged to cheat such gulls as you.'

' Not true !' quoth he ; ' howe'er you v.^iour.
I can what I affirm make appear ;
Whachum shall justify it t' your face,
And prove he was upon the place :
He played the saltinbancho's part,
Transformed t' a Frenchman by my art ;
He stole your cloak, and picked your pocket,
Chowsed and caldesed you like a blockhead.
And what you lost I can produce,
If you deny it, here i' th' house.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' I do believe
That argument's demonstrative ;
Ralpho, bear witness, and go fetch us
A constable to seize the wretches ;
For though they're both false knaves and cheats,
Impostors, jugglers, counterfeits,
I'll make them serve for perpendic'brs,
As true as e'er were used by bricklayers.
They're guilty, by their own confessions,
Of felony, and at the sessions,
Upon the bench, I will so handle 'em.
That the vibration of this pendulum
Shall make all tailors' yards of one
Unanimous opinion ;
A thing he long has vapoured of,
But now shall make it out by proof

Quoth Sidrophel, ' I do not doubt
To find friends that will bear me out ;
Nor have I hazarded my art.
And neck, so long on the state's part,
To be exposed, i' th' end, to suffer
By such a braggadocio huffer.'

'Hufter!' quoth Hudibras, 'this sword
Shall down thy false throat cram that word.
Ralpho, make haste, and call an oflicer,
To apprehend this Stygian sophister ;
Meanwhile I'll hold 'em at a bay,
Lest he and Whachum run away.'

i64 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.

But Sidrophel, who from th' aspect
Of Hudibras, did now erect
A figure worse portending far
Than that of most mahgnant star ;
Believed it now the fittest moment
To shun the danger that might come on't,
"While Hudibras was all alone,
And he and Whachum, two to one.
This being resolved, he spied by chance,
Behind the door, an iron lance,
That many a sturdy limb had gored,
And legs, and loins, and shoulders bored ;
He snatched it up, and made a pass,
To make his way through Hudibras.
Whachum had got a fire-fork,
With which he vowed to do his work ;
But Hudibras was well prepared,
And stoutly stood upon his guard :
He put by Sidrophello's thrust^
And in right manfully he rushed ;
The weapon from his gripe he wrung^
And laid him on the earth along.
Whachum his sea-coal prong threw by,
And basely turned his back to fly ;
But Hudibras gave him a twitch.
As quick as lightning", in the breech,
Just in the place where honour's lodged,
As wise philosophers have judged ;
Because a kick in that part more
Hurts honour, than deep wounds before.

Quoth Hudibras, ' The stars determine
You are my prisoners, base vermin :
Could they not tell you so, as well
As what 1 came to know, foretell .^
By tliis, what cheats you are, we find,
That in your own concerns are blind.
Your hvcs are now at my dispose,
To be redeemed by fine or blows ;
But who his honour would defile,
To take, or sell, two lives so vile ?
I'll give you quarter ; but your pillage,
The conquering warrior's crop and tillage,

CANTO III.] HUD 1 BRAS. 165

Which with his sword he reaps and ploughs,
That's mine, the law of arms allows.'

This said in haste, in haste he fell
To rummaging of Sidrophel.
First he expounded both his pockets,
And found a watch, with rings and lockets,
Which had been left with him t' erect
A figure for, and so detect ;
A copperplate, with almanacks
Engraved upon't, with other knacks
Of Booker's, Lilly's, Sarah Jimmers,
And blank-schemes to discover nimmers ;
A moon-dial, with Napier's bones,
And several constellation stones,
Engraved in planetary hours,
That over mortals had strange powers
To make 'em thrive in law or trade,
And stab or poison to evade ;
In wit or wisdom to improve,
And be victorious in love.
Whachum had neither cross nor pile,
His plunder was not worth the while ;
All which the conqueror did discompt,
To pay for curing of his rump.

But Sidrophel, as full of tricks
As Rota-men of politics,
Straight cast about to over-reach
Th' unwary conqueror with a fetch.
And make him glad, at least, to quit
His victory, and fly the pit,
Before the secular prince of darkness
Arrived to seize upon his carcass :
And as a fox with hot pursuit,
Chased through a warren, casts about
To save his credit, and among
Dead vermin on a gallows hung,
And, while the dogs run underneath,
Escaped by counterfeiting death,
Not out of cunning, but a train
Of atoms justling in his brain.
As learned philosophers give out]
So Sidrophello cast about,

1 65 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.

And fell to 's wonted trade again,
To feign himself in earnest slain :
First stretched out one leg, then another,
And, seeming in his breast to smother
A broken sigh, quoth he, ' Where am I ?
Alive, or dead ? or which way came I
Through so immense a space so soon ?
But now I thought myself i' th' moon,
And that a monster, with huge whiskers,
]\Iore formidable than a Switzer's,
My body through and through had drilled.
And Whachum by my side had killed,
Had cross-examined both our hose,
And plundered all we had to lose ;
Look, there he is, I see him now,
And feel the place I am run through :
And there lies Whachum by my side
Stone-dead, and in his own blood dyed.
Oh ! oh ! ' — with that he fetched a groan,
And fell again into a swoon ;
Shut both his eyes, and stopped his breath,
And to the life out-acted death.
That Hudibras, to all appearing.
Believed him to be as dead as herring.
He held it now no longer safe
To tarry the return of Ralph,
But rather leave him in the lurch :
Thought he, 'He has abused our church,
Refused to give himself one firk
To carry on the public work ;
Despised our synod-men like dirt,
And made their discipline his sport ;
Divulged the secrets of their classes.
And their conventions proved high places ;
Disparaged their tithe-pigs, as pagan,
And set at nought their cheese and bacon ;
Railed at their covenant, and jeered
Their reverend parsons, to my beard ;
For all which scandals, to be quit
At once, this juncture falls out fit.
I'll make him henceforth, to beware,
And tempt my fury, if he dare :

CANTO HI.] HUDIBRAS. 167

He must, at least, hold up his hand,
By twelve free-holders to be scanned,
Who, by their skill in palmistr}',
^Vill quickly read his destiny,
And make him glad to read his lesson,
Or take a turn for't at the session :
TJnless his light and gifts prove truer
Than ever yet they did, I'm sure ;
For if he 'scape with whipping now,
'Tis more than he can hope to do ;
And that will disengage my conscience
Of th' obligation, in his own sense :
I'll make him now by force abide,
WJiat he by gentle means denied.
To give my honour satisfaction.
And right the brethren in the action.'

This being resolved, with equal speed,
And conduct, he approached his steed,
And, with activity unwont,
Essayed the lofty beast to mount ;
Which once achieved, he spurred his palfrey,
To get from th' enemy and Ralph free ;
Left danger, fears, and foes behind,
And beat, at least three lengths, the wind.

AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF HUDIBRAS TO
FIDROniEL.

Ecce iterum Crispinus.

Well, Sidrophel, though 'tis in vain

To tamper wirh your crazy brain,

Without trepanning of your skull.

As often as the moon's at full,

'Tis not amiss, ere ye're given o'er.

To try one desperate medicine more ;

For where your case can be no worse,

The desp'rat'st is the wisest course.

Is't possible that you, whose ears

Are of the tribe of Issachar's,

And might, with equal reason, either

For merit, or extent of leather,

With William Prynne's, before they were

Retrenched, and crucified, compare,

Should yet be deaf against a noise

So roaring as the public voice ?

That speaks your virtues free and loud,

And openly in every crowd.

As loud as one that sings his part

T' a wheelbarrow, or turnip-cart,

Or your new nicked-named old invention

To cry green-hastings with an engine ;

As if the vehemence had stunned.

And torn your drumheads with the sound ;

And 'cause your folly's now no news,

But overgrown, and out of use,

Persuade yourself there's no such matter,

But that 'tis vanished out of nature ;

When folly, as it grows in years.

The more extravagant appears ;

For who but you could be possessed

With so much ignorance and beast.

That neither all men's scorn and hate

Nor being laughed and pointed at,

HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL. 169

Nor brayed so often in a mortar,

Can teach you wholesome sense and nurture,

But, hke a reprobate, what course

Soever used, grow worse and worse ?

Can no transfusion of the blood,

That makes fools cattle, do you good ?

Nor putting pigs t' a bitch to nurse,

To turn them into mongrel curs,

Put you into a way, at least,

To make yourself a better beast ?

Can all your critical intrigues,

Of trying sound from rotten eggs ;

Your several new-found remedies,

Of curing wounds and scabs in trees ;

Your arts of fluxing them perhaps,

Or purging their infected saps;

Recovering cankers, crystallines,

And nodes and blotches in their rinds,

Have no effect to operate

Upon that duller block, your pate ?

But still it must be lewdly bent

To tempt your ciwn due punishment;

And, like your whimsied chariots, draw

The boys to course you without law ;

As if the art you have so long

Professed, of making old dogs young,

In you had virtue to renew

Not only youth, but childhood too :

Can you, that understand all books,

By judging only with your looks.

Resolve all problems with your face,

As others do with Bj and As ;

Unriddle all that mankind knows

With solid bending of your brows ;

All arts and sciences advance.

With screwing of your countenance.

And with a penetrating eye,

Into th' abstrusest learning pry ;

Know more of any trade b' a hint.

Than those that have been bred up in't,

And yet have no art, true or false.

To help your own bad naturals ?

170 HUDIBEAS TO SWROPHEL.

But still the more you strive t' appear,

Are found to be the wretcheder :

For fools are known by looking wise,

As men find woodcocks by their eyes.

Hence 'tis that 'cause ye 'ave gained o' th' college

A quarter share, at most, of knowledge.

And brought in none, but spent repute,

V assume a power as absolute

To judge, and censure, and control,

As if you were the sole Sir Poll,

And saucily to pretend to know

More than your dividend comes to :

You'll find the thing will not be done

With ignorance and face alone :

No, though ye 'ave purchased to your name,

In history, so great a fame ;

That now your talent's so well known,

For having all belief outgrown,

That every strange prodigious tale

Is measured by your German scale,

By which the virtuosi try

The magnitude of every lie,

Cast up to what it does amount,

And place the bigg'st to your accoimt ;

That all those stories that are laid

Too truly to you, tnd those made,

Are now still charged upon your score,

And lesser authors named no more,

Alas ! that faculty betrays

Those soonest it designs to raise ;

And all your vain renown will spoil,

As guns overcharged the more recoil ;

Though he that has but impudence,

To all things has a fair pretence ;

And put among his wants but shame,

To all the world may lay his claim :

Though you have tried that nothing's borne

With greater ease than public scorn,

That all aftronts do still give place

To your impenetrable face ;

That makes your way through all affairs,

As pigs througli hedges creep with theirs :

HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL. 171

Yet as 'tis counterfeit, and brass,

You must not think 'twill always pass ;

For all impostors, when they're known,

Are past their labour, and undone :

And all the best that can befal

An artificial natural.

Is that which madmen find, as soon

As once they're broke loose from the moon,

And, proof against her influence,

Relapse to e'er so little sense,

To turn stark fools, and subjects fit

For sport of boys, and rabble wit.

PART III.— CANTO I.

THE ARGUMENT.

The knight anl squire resolve at once
The one tiie other to renounce ;
They botii approach the lady's bower,
The squire t' inform, the knight to svoo her.
She treats them with a masquerade,
By furies and hobgoblins made ;
From which the squire conveys the kniglit,
And steals him from himself by night.

'Tis true, no lover has that power

T' enforce a desperate amour,

As he that has two strings t' his bow,

And burns for love and money too ;

For then he's brave and resolute,

Disdains to render in his suit ;

Has all his llames and raptures double,

And hangs or drowns with lialf the trouble ;

While those who sillily pursue

The simple, downright way, and true,

Jvlake as unlucky applications,

And steer against the stream their passions.

Some forge their mistresses of stars,

And when the ladies prove averse.

And more untoward to be won

Than by Caligula the moon.

Cry out upon the stars for doing

111 offices, to cross their wooing,

When only by themselves they're hindered.

For trusting those they made her kindred,

And still the harsher and hide-bounder.

The damsels prove, become the fonder ;

For what mad lovjr ever died

To gain a soft and gentle biide ?

Or for a lady tender-hearted,

in purling streams, or hemp departed ?

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 173

Leaped headlong int' Elysium,
Through th' windows of a dazzling room ?
But for some cross ill-natured dame,
The amorous fly burnt in his flame.
This to the knight would be no news.
With all mankind so much in use,
Who therefore took the wiser course,
To make the most of his amours.
Resolved to try all sorts of ways.
As follows in due time and place.
No sooner was the bloody fight
Between the wizard and the knight,
With all th' appurtenances over,
But he relapsed again t' a lover ;
As he was always wont to do,
When he 'ad discomfited a foe.
And used the only antique philters
Derived from old heroic tilters.
But now triumphant and victorious,
He held th' achievement was too glorious
For such a conqueror to meddle
With petty constable or beadle ;
Or fly for refuge to the hostess
Of th' inns of court and chancery, justice ;
Who might, perhaps, reduce his cause
To th' ordeal trial of the laws ;
Where none escape, but such as branded
With red-hot irons, have past bare-handed ;
And if they cannot read one verse
I' th' psalms, must sing it, and that's worse.
He, therefore, judging it below him
To tempt a shame the devil might owe him,
Resolved to leave the squire for bail
And mainprize for him, to the jail,
To answer, with his vessel, all
That might disastrously befal.
He thought it now the fittest juncture
To give the lady a rencounter,
T' acquaint her with his expedition.
And conquest o'er the fierce magician ;
Describe the manner of the fray.
And show the spoils he brought away ;

74 HUDJHRAS. [part hi.

His bloody scourging aggravate,

The number of the blows, and weight ;

All which might probably succeed,

And gain belief he 'ad done the deed :

Which he resolved t' enforce, and spare

No pawning of his soul to swear ;

But, rather than produce his back,

To set his conscience on the rack ;

And in pursuance of his urging

Of articles performed, and scourging,

And all things else, upon his part,

Demand delivery of her heart,

Her goods and chattels, and good graces,

And person, up to his embraces.

Thought he, the ancient errant knights

Won all their ladies' hearts in fights,

And cut whole giants into fitters,

To put them into amorous twdtters ;

Whose stubborn bowels scorned to yield.

Until their gallants were half killed ;

But when their bones were drubbed so sore,

They durst not avoo one combat more,

The ladies' hearts began to melt,

Subdued by blows their lovers felt.

So Spanish heroes, with their lances.

At once wound bulls, and ladies' fancies ;

And he acquires the noblest spouse

That widows greatest herds of cows;

Then what may I expect to do,

Who 'ave quelled so vast a buffalo ?

Meanwhile the squire was on his way,
The knight's late orders to obey ;
Who sent him for a strong detachment
Of beadles, constables, and watchmen,
T' attack the cunning-man, for plunder
Committed falsely on his lumber;
When he, who had so lately sacked
'i'he enemy, had done the fact,
Had rifled all his pokes and fobs
Of gimcracks, whims, and jiggumbobs.
Which he by hook or crook had gathered,
And for his own inventions fathered ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 175

And when they should, at gaol delivery,

Unriddle one another's thievery,

Both might have evidence enough

To render neither halter-proof.

He thought it desperate to tarry,

And venture to be accessory ;

But rather wisely slip his fetters.

And leave them for the knight, his betters.

He called to mind th' unjust foul play

He would have offered him that day,

To make him curry his own hide,

Which no beast ever did beside,

Without all possible evasion,

But of the riding dispensation ;

And therefore, much about the hour

The knight, for reasons told before.

Resolved to leave him to the fury

Of justice, and an unpacked jury,

The squire concurred t' abandon him,

And serve him in the self-same trim ;

T' acquaint the lady what he 'ad done,

And what he meant to carry on ;

What project 't was he went about,

When Sidrophel and he fell out ;

His firm and steadfast resolution,

To swear her to an execution ;

To pawn his inward ears to marry her,

And bribe the devil himself to cany her.

In which both dealt, as if they meant

Their party-saints to represent,

Who never failed, upon their sharing

In any prosperous arms-bearing,

To lay themselves out, to supplant

Each other cousin-german samt.

But ere the knight could do his part.

The squire had got so much the start,

He 'ad to the lady done his errand,

And told her all his tricks aforehand.

Just as he finished his report.
The knight alighted in the court,
And having tied his beast t' a pale,
And taking time for both to stale,

176 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

He put his band and beard in order,
The sprucer to accost and board her :
And now began t' approach the door,
When she, \vh' had spied him out before,
Conveyed th' informer out of sight,
And went to entertain the knight :
With whom encountering, after longees
Of humble and submissive congees,
And all due ceremonies paid.
He stroked his beard, and thus he said :

' Madam, T do, as is my duty.
Honour the shadow of your shoe-tie ;
And now am come, to bring your ear
A present you'll be glad to hear ;
At least I hope so : the thing's done,
Or may I never see the sun ;
For which I humbly now demand
Performance at your gentle hand ;
And that you'd please to do your part,
As I have done mine, to my smart.'

With that he shrugged his sturdy back,
As if he felt his shoulders ache :
But she, who well enough knew what,
Before he spoke, he would be at,
Pretended not to apprehend
The mystery of what he meaned.
And therefore wished him to expound
His dark expressions less profound.

* Madam,' quoth he, ' I come to prove
How much I've suffered for your love,
Which, like your votary, to win,
I have not spared my tattered skin ;
And, for those meritorious lashes,
To claim your favour and good graces.'

Quoth she, ' I do remember once
I freed you from th' inchanted sconce ;
And that you promised, for that favour.
To bind your back to 'ts good behaviour ;
And for my sake and service, vowed
To lay upon 't a heavy load.
And what 't would bear 't a scruple prove,
As other knights do oft make love;

CANTO I.] HLDIBRAS. 172

Which, whether you have done or no,
Concerns yourself, not me, to know ;
But if you have, I shall confess,
Y' are honester than I could guess.'

Quoth he, ' If you suspect my troth,
I cannot prove it but by oath ;
And, if you make a question on't,
I'll pawn my soul that I have don't :
And he that makes his soul his surety,
I think, does give the best secur'ty.'

Quoth she, ' Some say the soul's secure
Against distress and forfeiture ;
Is free from action, and exempt
From execution and contempt;
And to be summoned to appear
In th' other world's illegal here,
And therefore few make any account,
Int' what incumbrances they run't :
For most men carry things so even
Between this world, and hell, and heaven,
Without the least offence to either,
They freely deal in all together,
And equally abhor to quit
This world for both, or both for it ;
And when they pawn and damn their souls,
They are but prisoners on paroles.'

* For that,' quoth he, ' 'tis rational,
They may be accountable in all :
For when there is that intercourse
Between divine and human powers,
That all that we determine here
Commands obedience every where ;
When penalties may be commuted
For fines, or ears, and executed.
It follows, nothing binds so fast
As souls in pawn and mortgage past :
For oaths are th' only tests and scales
Of right and wrong, and true and false;
And there's no other way to try
The doubts of law and justice by.'

Quoth she, ' What is it you would swear ?
There's no believing till I hear :

1 78 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

For, till they're understood, all tales,

Like nonsense, are not true nor false.'
Quoth he, ' When I resolved t' obey

What you commanded th' other day,

And to perform my exercise,

As schools are wont, for your fair eyes ;

T' avoid all scruples in the case,

I went to do't upon the place;

But as the castle is inchanted

By Sidrophel the witch, and haunted

With evil spirits, as you know.

Who took my squire and me for two,

Before I'd hardly time to lay

My weapons by, and disarray,

I heard a formidable noise.

Loud as the Stentrophonic voice,

That roared f:ir off, — " Dispatch, and strip,

I'm ready with th' infernal whip.

That shall divest thy ribs of skin.

To expiate thy lingering sin ;

Thou 'ast broke perfidiously thy oath,

And not performed thy plighted troth,

But spared thy renegado back.

Where th' hadst so great a prize at stake.

Which now the Fates have ordered me.

For penance and revenge, to flea,

Unless thou ])resently make haste ;

Time is, time was : " — and there it ceased.

With which, though startled, I confess,
Yet th' horror of the thing Nvas less
Tiian th' other dismal apprehension
Of interruption or prevention ;
And therefore^ snatching up the rod,
I laid \\\)0\\ my back a load,
Resolved to spare no flesh and blood,
To make my word and honour good ;
Till tired, and taking truce at length,
For new recruits of brcatli and strength,
I felt the blows still plied as fast.
As if they 'ad been by lovers placed.
In raptures of Platonic lashing.
And chaste contemplative bardashing;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 179

When facing hastily about,
To stand upon my guard and scout^
I found th' infernal cunning-man,
And th' under-witch, his Caliban,
With scourges, like the furies, armed.
That on my outward quarters stormed.
In haste I snatched my weapon up.
And gave their hellish rage a stop ;
Called thrice upon your name, and fell
Courageously on vSidrophel,
Who now, transformed himself t' a bear,
Began to roar aloud, and tear ;
When I as furiously pressed on.
My weapon down his throat to run,
Laid hold on him ; but he broke loose,
And turned himself into a goose,
Dived under water, in a pond,
To hide himself from being found.
In vain I sought him ; but as soon
As I perceived him fled and gone,
Prepared, with equal haste and rage,
His under-sorcerer t' engage ;
But bravely scorning to defile
My sword with feeble blood, and vile,
I judged it better from a quick-
Set hedge to cut a knotted stick,
With which I furiously laid on :
Till in a harsh and doleful tone,
It roared, — "O hold, for pity. Sir,
I am too great a sufferer,
Abused, as you have been, b' a witch.
But conjured int' a worse caprich,
Who sends me out on many a jaunt,
Old houses in the night to haunt.
For opportunities t' improve
Designs of thievery or love ;
With drugs conveyed in drink or meat,
All feats of witches counterfeit \
Kill pigs and geese with powdered glass.
And make it for enchantment pass ;
With cow-itch meazle like a leper,
And choke with fumes of guinea pepper ;

i8o HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

Bewitch hermetic-men to run

Stark staring mad with manicon ;

Believe mechanic virtuosi

Can raise 'em mountains in Potosi ;

And, silUer than the antic fools,

Take treasure for a heap of coals ;

Seek out for plants with signatures,

To quack off universal cures.

With figures, ground on panes of glass,

]Make people on their heads to pass ;

And mighty heaps of coin increase,

Reflected from a single piece •

To draw in fools, whose natural itches

Incline perpetually to witches,

And keep me in continual fears.

And danger of my neck and ears ;

With less delinquents have been scourged,

And hemp on wooden anvils forged,

Which others for cravats have worn

About their necks, and took a turn." —

*I pitied the sad punishment
The wretched caitiff underwent,
And held my drubbing of his bones
Too great an honour for poltroons ;
For knights are bound to feel no blows
From paltry and unequal foes,
Who, when they slash and cut to pieces,
Do all with civillest addresses :
Their horses never give a blow,
But when they make a leg and bow.
I therefore spared his flesh, and pressed him
About the witch, with many a quest'on.
Quoth he, — P'or many years he drove
A kind of broking-trade in love,
Emi)!oyed in all ih' intrigues and trust,
Of feeble speculative lust;
Procurer to th' extravagancy
And crazy ribaldry of fancy,
By those tlie devil had forsook.
As things below him, to provoke;
But being a virtuoso, able
To gmatter, quack, and cant, and dabble,

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. ,3i

He held his talent most adroit,

For any mystical exploit,

As others of his tribe had done,

And raised their prices three to one.

But as an elf, the devil's valet,

Is not so slight a thing to get,

For those that do his business best,

In hell are used the ruggedest ;

Before so meriting a person

Could get a grant, but in reversion,

He served two 'prenticeships, and longer,

1' th' mystery of a lady-monger.

For, as some write, a witch's ghost,

As soon as from the body loosed,

Becomes a puisney-imp itself,

And is another witch's elf;

He, after searching far and near.

At length found one in Lancashire,

With whom he bargained beforehand,

And, after h.mging, entertained :

Since which he 'as played a thousand feats,

And practised all mechanic cheats ;

Transformed himself to th' ugly shapes

Of wolves and bears, baboons and apes.

Which he has varied more than witches.

Or Pharaoh's v^izards could their switches ;

And all with whom he 'as had to do,

Turned to as monstrous figures too ;

Witness myself, whom he 'as abused.

And to this beastly shape reduced,

By feeding me on beans and peas

He crams in nasty crevices,

And turns to comfits by his arts.

To make me relish for desserts,

And one by one, with shame and fear,

Lick up the candied provender.

Beside' But as h' was running (mi,

To tell what other feats h' had done.
The lady stopped his full career.
And told him, now 'twas time to hear.
' If half those things,' said she, ' be true,' —
' They're all,' quoth he, ' I swear by you.'

1 82 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

' Why then,' said she, ' that Sidro])hel

Has damned himself to th' pit of hell,

Who, mounted on a broom, the nag

And hackney of a Lapland hag,

In quest of you came hither post,

Within an hour, I'm sure, at most.

Who told me all you swear and say,

Quite contrary another way ;

^^owed that you carae to him, to know

If you should carry me or no ;

And would have hired him and his imps,

To be your match-makers and pimps,

T' engage the devil on your side,

And steal, like Proserpine, your bride ;

But he, disdaining to embrace

So filthy a design, and base,

You fell to vapouring and huffing,

And drew upon him like a ruffian ;

Surprised him meanly, unprepared.

Before he 'ad time to mount his guard.

And left him dead upon the ground.

With many a bruise and desperate wound ;

Swore you had broke and robbed his house,

And stole his talismanique louse,

And all his new-found old inventions.

With flat felonious intentions,

Which he could bring out, where he had,

And what he bought 'em for, and paid :

His flea, his morpion, and punese,

He 'ad gotten for his proper ease,

And all in perfect minutes made,

By th' ablest artist of the trade ;

Which, he could prove it, since he lost.

He has been eaten up almost.

And altogether, might amount

To many hundreds on account ;

For which he 'ad got sufficient warrant

To seize the malefactors errant,

Without capacity of bail.

But of a cart's or horse's tail ;

And did not doubt to bring the wretches

To serve for pendulums to watches,

CANTO 1.] HUDIBRAS. 183

Which, modern virtuosi say,

Incline to hanging every way.

Beside, he swore, and swore 'twas true,

That ere he went in quest of you,

He set a figure to discover

If you were fled to Rye or Dover ;

And found it clear, that to betray,

Yourselves and me, you fled this way ;

And that he was upon pursuit,

To take )'ou somewhere hereabout.

He vowed he had intelligence

Of all that passed before and since ;

And found, that ere you came to him,

Y' had been engaging life and limb

About a case of tender conscience,

Where both abounded in your own sense;

Till Ralpho, by his light and grace.

Had cleared all scruples in the case.

And proved that you might swear and own

Whatever's by the wicked done ;

For which, most basely to requite

The service of his gifts and light,

You strove t' oblige him, by main force,

To scourge his ribs instead of yours ;

But that he stood upon his guard.

And all your vapouring outdared ;

For which, between you both, the feat

Has never been performed as yet.'

While thus the lady talked, the knight
Turned th' outside of his eyes to white ;
As men of inward light are wont
To turn their optics in upon't ;
He wondered how she came to know
What he had done, and meant to do ;
Held up his aihdavit-hand^
As if he 'ad been to be arraigned ;
Cast towards the door a ghastly look.
In dread of Sidrophel, and spoke :

' Madam, if but one word be true
Of all the wizard has told you.
Or but one single circumstance
In all th' apocryphal romance,

i84 HUDIBRAS. [part lii.

INIay dreadful earthquakes swallow down
This vessel, that is all your own ;
Or may the heavens fall, and cover
These relics of your constant lover.'

' You have provided well,' quoth she,
' I thank you, for yourself and me,
And shown your Presbyterian wits
Jump punctual with the Jesuits :
A most compendious way, and civil,
At once to cheat the world, the devil.
And heaven and hell, yourselves, and those
On whom you vainly think t' impose.'

' Why then,' quoth he, ' may hell surprise,' —
'That trick,' said she, ' will not pass twice:
I've learned how far I'm to beHeve
Your pinning oaths upon your sleeve :
But there's a better way of clearing
What you would prove, than downright swearing;
For if you have performed the feat,
The blows are visible as yet,
Enough to serve for satisfaction
Of nicest scruples in the action ;
And if you can produce those knobs, '
Although they're but the witch's drubs,
I'll pass them all upon account,
As if your natural self had done 't.'

' Madam,' quoth he, ' your love's a million,
To do is less than to be willing,
As I am, were it in my power,
T' obey what you command, and more ;
But for performing what you bid,
I thank you as much as if I did.
You know I ought to have a care.
To keep my wounds from taking air ;
For wounds in those that are all heart,
Are dangerous in any part.'

' I find,' quoth she, ' my goods and chattels
Are like to prove but mere drawn battles ;
For still the longer we contend,
We are but farther oft" tlie end.
But granting now we should agree,
What is it you expect from me ?'

CANTO I.] HUD J BRAS. 185

' Your plighted faith,' quoth he, ' and word
You passed in heaven, on record,
Where all contracts to have and t' hold.
Are everlastingly enrolled ;
And if 'tis counted treason here
To raise records, 'tis much more there.'

Quoth she, ' There are no bargains driven,
Nor marriages clapped up, in heaven ;
And that's the reason, as some guess.
There is no heaven in marriages, —
Two things that naturally press
Too narrowly, to be at ease ;
Their business there is only love,
Which marriage is not like t' improve ;
Love, that's too gen'rous t' abide
To be against its nature tied ;
For where 'tis of itself inclined,
It breaks loose when it is confined.
And like the soul, its harbourer,
Debarred the freedom of the air,
Disdains against its will to stay.
But struggles out, and flies away :
And therefore never can comply
T' endure the matrimonial tie.
That binds the female and the male,
Where th' one is but the oU)er's bail ;
Like Roman gaolers, when they slept,
Chained to the prisoners they kept :
Of which the true and faithfuU'st lover
Gives best security to suffer.
Marriage is but a beast, some say,
That carries double in foul way,
And therefore 'tis not to b' admired
It should so suddenly be tired ;
A bargain, at a venture made.
Between two partners in a trade ;
For what's inferred by t' have and t' hold,
But something past away, and sold?
That, as it makes but one of two,
Reduces all things else as low ;
And at the best is but a mart
Between the one and th' other part,

1 86 HUD I BRAS. [part hi.

That on the marriage-day is paid,

Or hour of death, the bet is laid.

A law that most unjustly yokes

All Johns of Stiles to Joans of Nokes,

Without distinction of degree.

Condition, age, or quality ;

Admits no power of revocation,

Nor valuable consideration,

Nor writ of error, nor reverse

Of judgment past, for better or worse ;

Will not allow the privileges

That beggars challenge under hedges.

Who, when they're grieved, can make dead horses

Their spiritual judges of divorces ;

While nothing else but rem in re

Can set the proudest wretches free ;

A slavery beyond enduring.

But that 'tis of their own procuring.

As spiders never seek the fly,

But leave him, of himself, t' apply ;

So men are by themselves employed,

To quit the freedom they enjoyed,

And run their necks into a noose.

They'd break 'em after to break loose.

As some, whom death would not depart,

Have done the feat themselves by art :

Like Indian widows, gone to bed,

In flaming curtains, to the dead ;

And men as often dangled for't.

And yet will never leave the sport.

Nor do the ladies want excuse

For all the stratagems they use ;

For as the Pythagorean soul

Runs through all beasts, and fish, and fowl,

And has a smack of every one.

So love does, and has ever done ;

And therefore, though 'tis ne'er so fond,

Takes strangely to the vagabond.

'Tis but an ague that's reversed;

Whose hot fit takes the patient first,

That after burns with cold as much

As iron in Greenland does the touch ;

CANTO 1.] HUDIDRAS. 187

Melts in the furnace of desire,

Like glass, that's but the ice of fire ;

And when his heat of fancy's over,

Becomes as hard and frail a lover :

For when he's with love-powder laden,

And primed and cocked by Miss, or Madam,

The smallest sparkle of an eye

Gives fire to his artillery,

And off the loud oaths go, but, while

They're in the very act, recoil :

Hence 'tis so few dare take their chance

Without a separate maintenance ;

And widows, who have tried one lover,

Trust not again till they've made over ;

Or if they do, before they marry.

The foxes weigh the geese they carry ;

And ere they venture o'er a stream,

Know how to size themselves and them.

Whence wittiest ladies always choose

To undertake the heaviest goose.

Though when their heroes 'spouse the dames,

We hear no more of charms and tlames ;

For then their late attracts decline,

And turn as eager as pricked wine ;

And all their caterwauling tricks,

In earnest to as jealous piques,

Which th' ancients wisely signified

By th' yellow mantos of the bride.

For 'tis in vain to think to guess

At women by appearances.

That paint and patch their imperfections

Of intellectual complexions.

And daub their tempers o'er with washes

As artificial as their faces \

Wear under vizard-masks their talents

And mother-wits before their gallants ;

Until they're hampered in the noose,

Too fast to dream of breaking loose ;

When all the Haws they strove to hide

Are made unready with the bride.

That with her wedding-clothes undresses

Her complaisance and gentilesses ;

i8S nUDIBRAS. [part hi.

Tries all her arts to take upon her
The government, from th' easy owner ;
Until the wretch is glad to wave
His lawful right, and turn her slave ;
Find all his having and his holding,
Reduced t' eternal noise and scolding;
The conjugal petard, that tears
Down all portcullises of ears,
And makes the volley of one tongue
For all their leathern shields too strong ;
When only armed with noise and nails,
The female silkworms ride the males.'

Quoth he, ' These reasons are but strains
Of wanton, over-heated brains,
Which ralliers in their wit or drink
Do rather wheedle with, than think.
Man was not man in Paradise,
Until he was created twice.
And had his better half, his bride,
Carved from th' original, his side,
T' amend his natural defects,
And perfect his recruited sex.
His body, that stupendous frame.
Of all the world the anagram,
Is of two equal parts compact,
In shape and symmetry exact.
Of which the left and female side
Is to the manly right a bride.
Both joined together with such art,
That nothing else but death can part.
Those heavenly attracts of yours, your eyes,
And face, that all the world surprise,
That dazzle all that look upon ye,
And scorch all other ladies tawny ;
Those ravishing and charming graces.
Are all made up of two half faces
That, in a mathematic line,
Like those in other heavens, join ;
Of which, if either grew alone,
'Twould fright as much to look upon .
And so would that sweet bud, your lip,
Without the other's fellowship.

CANTO !.] HUDIBRAS. 189

Our noblest senses act by pairs,

Two eyes to see, to hear two ears ;

Th' intelligencers of the mind,

To wait upon the soul designed :

Bu ;, those that serve the body alone,

Are single and confined to one.

The world is but two parts, that meet

And close at th' equinoctial fit ;

And so are all the works of nature,

Stamped with her signature on matter ;

Which all her creatures, to a leaf,

Or smallest blade of grass, receive.

All which sufficiently declare

How entirely marriage is her care.

The only method that she uses.

In all the wonders she produces :

And those that take their rules from her

Can never be deceived, nor err :

For what secures the civil life,

But pawns of children, and a wife ?

That lie, like hostages, at stake,

To pay for all men undertake ;

To whom it is as necessary,

As to be born and breathe, to marry ;

So universal, all mankind

In nothing else is of one mind ;

For in what stupid age or nation.

Was marriage ever out of fashion ?

Unless among the Amazons,

Or cloistered friars and vestal nuns.

For what can v\'e pretend t' inherit.

Unless the mairiage-deed will bear it ?

Could claim no right to lands or rents,

But for our parents' settlements ;

Had been but younger sons o' th' earth,

Debarred it all, but for our birth.

What honours, or estates of peers,

Could be preserved but by their heirs ;

And what security maintains

Their right and title, but the banns?

What crowns could be hereditary.

If greatest monarchs did not marry,

190 HUDIBRAS. [part ill.

And with their consorts consummate
Their weightiest interests of state ?
For all the amours of princes are
But guarantees of peace or war.
Or what but marriage has a charm,
The rage of empires to disarm ?
Make blood and desolation cease,
And fire and sword unite in peace,
When all their fierce contests for forage
Conclude in articles of marriage ?
And though some fits of small contest
Sometimes fall out among the best,
That is no more than every lover
Does from his hackney-lady suffer ;
That makes no breach of faith and love,
But rather, sometimes, serves t' improve :
For as, in running, every pace
Is but between two legs a race,
In which both do their uttermost
To get before, and win the post ;
Yet when they're at their races' ends,
They're still as kind and constant friends,
And, to relieve their weariness.
By turns give one another ease ;
So all those false alarms of strife
Between the husband and the wife,
And little quarrels, often prove
To be but new recruits of love ;
When those who're always kind or coy,
In time must either tire or cloy.
Nor are their loudest clamours more
Than as they're relished, sweet or soiu*;
Like music, that proves bad or good,
According as 'tis understood.
In all amours a lover burns
With frowns, as well as smiles, by turns ;
And hearts have been as oft wiUi sullen,
As charming looks, surprised and stolen ;
Then why should more bewitching clamour
Some lovers not as much enamour ?
For discords make the sweetest airs,
And curses are a kind oi prayers ;

CAN 10 1.] IIUDIBRAS. igi

Two slight alloys for all those grand

Felicities by marriage gained :

For nothing else has power to settle

Th' interests of love perpetual ;

An act and deed that makes one heart

Become another's counterpart,

And passes fines on faith and love,

Inrolled and registered above,

To seal the slippery knots of vows,

Which nothing else but death can loose.

And what security's too strong

To guard that gentle heart from wrong,

That to its friend is glad to pass

Itself away, and all it has.

And, like an anchorite, gives over

This world, for the heaven of a lover ?'

' I grant,' quoth she, ' there are some few
Who take that course, and find it true ;
But millions whom the same does sentence
To heaven, b' another way, repentance.
Love's arrows are but shot at rovers,
Though all they hit they turn to lovers,
And all the weighty consequents
Depend upon more blind events
Than gamesters when they play a set,
With greatest cunning, at piquet.
Put out with caution, but take in
They know not what, unsight, unseen
For what do lovers, when they're fast
In one another's arms embraced,
But strive to plunder and convey
Each other, like a prize away ?
To change the property of selves,
As sucking children are by elves ?
And if they use their persons so,
What will they to their fortunes do ?
Their fortunes ! the perpetual aims
Of all their ecstasies and flames.
For when the money's on the book,
And ' all my worldly goods ' — but spoke,
The formal livery and seisin
That puts a lover in possession ;

192 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

To that alone the bridegroom's wedded,

The bride a flam that's superseded ;

To that their faith is still made good,

And all the oaths to us they vowed ;

For when we once resign our powers,

W have nothing left we can call ours :

Our money's now become the miss

Of all your lives and services ;

Which as it made y' at first gallant us,

So now hires others to supplant us,

Until 'tis all turned out of doors,

As we had been, for new amours.

For what did ever heiress yet,

By being born to lordships, get ?

When the more lady she's of manors,

She's but exposed to more trepanners.

Pays for their projects and designs,

And for her own destruction fines ;

And does but tempt them with her riches,

To use her as the devil does witches.

Who takes it for a special grace

To be their cully for a space,

That, when the time's expired, the drazels

For ever may become his vassals :

So she, bewitched by rooks and spirits,

Betrays herself, and all sh' inherits ;

Until they force her to convey

And steal the thief himself away.

These are the everlasting fruits

Of all your passionate love-suits,

Th' eft'ects of all your amorous fancies.

To portions and inheritances ;

Your love-sick rapture for fruition

Of dowry, iointure, and tuition ;

To which you make address and couitship,

And with your bodies strive to worship.

That th' infant's fortunes may partake

Of love too, for the mother's sake.

For these you play at purposes,

And love your loves with As and Bs ;

For these, at Beast and Ombre woo.

And play for love and money too ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS\

Strive who shall be the ablest man

At right gallanting of a fan ;

And who the most genteelly bred

At sucking of a vizard-bead ;

How best t' accost us in all quarters,

T' our question and command new garters ;

And solidly discourse upon

All sorts of dresses pro and con :

For there's no mystery nor trade,

But in the art of love is made ;

And when you have more debts to pay

Than Michaelmas and Lady-day,

And no way possible to do't

But love and oaths, and restless suit,

To us y' apply, to pay the scores

Of all your cuUied past amours ;

Act o'er your flames and darts again.

And charge us with your wounds and pain ;

Which others' influences long since

Have charmed your noses with, and shins ;

For which the surgeon is unpaid,

And like to be, without our aid.

Lord ! what an amorous thing is want !

How debts and mortgages enchant !

What graces must that lady have,

That can from executions save !

What charms, that can reverse extent,

And null decree and exigent !

What magical attracts, and graces,

That can redeem from scire facias !

From bonds and statutes can discharge,

And from contempts of courts enlarge !

These are the highest excellences

Of all your true or false pretences ;

And you would damn yourselves, and swear

As much t' an hostess dowager,

Grown fat and pursy by retail

Of pots of beer and bottled ale,

And find her fitter for your turn,

For fat is wondrous apt to burn ;

Who at your flames would soon take fire,

Relent, and melt to your desire,

G

193

194 HUDIBRAS. [part ill.

And, like a candle in the socket,
Dissolve her graces int' your pocket.'

By this time 'twas grown dark and late,
When th' heard a knocking at the gate,
Laid on in haste, with such a powder,
The blows grew louder still and louder ;
Which Hudibras, as if th' had been
Bestowed as freely on his skin,
Expounding by his inward light,
Or rather more prophetic fright.
To be the wizard, come to search,
And take him napping in the lurch,
Turned pale as ashes, or a clout ;
But why, or wherefore, is a doubt :
For men will tremble, and turn paler.
With too much, or too little valour.
His heart laid on, as if it tried
To force a passage through his side.
Impatient, as he vowed, to wait 'em.
But in a fury to fiy at 'em.
And therefore beat, and laid about.
To find a cranny to creep out.
But she, who saw in what a taking
The knight was by his furious quaking,
Undaunted cried, ' Courage, Sir Knight,
Know I'm resolved to break no rite
Of hospitality t' a stranger ;
But, to secure you out of danger.
Will here myself stand sentinel,
To guard this pass 'gainst Sidrophel :
Women, you know, do seldom fail
To make the stoutest men turn tail,
And bravely scorn to turn their backs,
Upon the desp'ratest attacks,'

At this the knight grew resolute
As Ironside, or Hardiknute ;
His fortitude began to rally.
And out he cried aloud, to sally;
But she besought him to convey
His courage rather out o' th' way.
And lodge in ambush on the floor,
Or fortified behind a door,

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 195

Thai, if the enemy should enter,

Pie might reUeve her in th' adventure.

Mean while they knocked against the door,
As fierce as at the gate before ;
Which made the renegado knight
Relapse again t' his former fright.
He thought it desperate to stay
Till th' enemy had forced his way,
But rather post himself, to serve
The lady for a fresh reserve.
His duty was not to dispute,
But what sh' had ordered execute;
Which he resolved in haste t' obey,
And therefore stoutly marched away.
And all h' encountered fell upon,
Though in the dark, and all alone ;
Till fear, that braver feats performs
Than ever courage dared in arms.
Had drawn him up before a pass,
To stand upon his guard, and face ;
This he courageously invaded,
And, having entered, barricadoed
Ensconced himself as formidable
As could be underneath a table ;
Where he lay down in ambush close,
T' expect th' arrival of his foes.
Few minutes he had lain perdue,
To guard his desperate avenue,
Before he heard a dreadful shout.
As loud as putting to the rout,
With which impatiently alarmed,
He fancied th' enemy had stormed.
And, after entering, Sidrophel
Was fallen upon the guards pell-mell :
He therefore sent out all his senses
To bring him in intelligences.
Which vulgars, out of ignorance,
Mistake for falling in a trance ;
But those that trade in geomancy,
Affirm to be the strength of fancy ;
In which the Lapland Magi deal.
And things incredible reveal.

G 2

196 HUD] BRAS. [part hi.

Mean while the foe beat up his quarters,

And stormed the outworks of his fortress ;

And as another of the same

Degree and party, in arms and fame,

That in the same cause had engaged,

And war with equal conduct waged,

By venturing only but to thrust

His head a span beyond his post,

B' a general of the cavaliers

Was dragged through a window by the ears ;

So he was served in his redoubt.

And by the other end pulled out.

Soon as they had him at their mercy,
They put him to the cudgel fiercely,
As if they scorned to trade or barter,
By giving, or by taking quarter ;
They stoutly on his quarters laid,
Until his scouts came in t' his aid :
For when a man is past his sense,
There's no way to reduce him thence,
But twinging him by th' ears or nose,
Or laying on of heavy blows ;
And if that will not clo the deed,
To burning with hot irons proceed.

No sooner was he come t' himself,
But on his neck a sturdy elf
Clapped in a trice his cloven hoof.
And thus attacked him with reproof:

' Mortal, thou art betrayed to us
B' our friend, thy evil genius,
Who for thy horrid perjuries.
Thy breach of faith, and turning lies,
The brethren's privilege, against
The wicked, on themselves, the saints,
Has here thy wretched carcass sent,
For just revenge and punishment ;
Which thou hast now no way to lessen,
But by an open, free confession ;
For if we catch thee failing once,
'Twill fall the heavier on thy bones.
What made thee venture to betray,
And filch the lady's heart away.

CANTO I.] IIUDIBRAS. 197

To spirit her to matrimony ? ' —

' That which contracts all matches, money.
It was the enchantment of her riches,
That made m' apply t' your crony witches ;
That in return would pay th' expense,
The wear and tear of conscience.
Which I could have patched up, and turned,
For th' hundredth part of what I earned.'

' Didst ihou not love her then? Speak true.'
* No more,' qnoth he, ' than I love you.'

'How wouldst th' have used her and her money?'
' First turned her up to alimony,
And laid her dowry out in law.
To null her jointure with a flaw.
Which I beforehand had agreed
T' have put, on purpose, in the deed,
And bar her widow's-making-over
T' a friend in trust, or private lover.'

' What made thee pick and chuse her out
T' employ their sorceries about?'

' That which makes gamesters play with those
Who have least wit, and most to lose.'

' But didst thou scourge thy vessel thus,
As thou hast damned thyself to us?'

* I see you take me for an ass :

'Tis true, I thought the trick would pass
Upon a woman, well enough.
As 't has often been found by proof,
Whose humours are not to be won
But when they are imposed upon ;
For love approves of all they do
That stand for candidates, and woo.'

* Why didst thou forge those shameful lies
Of bears and witches in disguise?'

* That is no more than authors give
The rabble credit to believe ;

A trick of following the leaders.
To entertain their gentle readers :
And we have now no other way
Of passing all we do or say ;
Which, when 'tis natural and true.
Will be believed b' a very few,

198 HUDIBRAS. PART III.

Beside the danger of ofifence,
The fatal enemy of sense.'

' Why didst thou chuse that cursed sin,
Hypocris)', to set up in ? '

' Because it is the thriving'st calling,
The only saints-bell that rings all in;
In which all churches are concerned,
And is the easiest to be learned :
For no degrees, unless th' eniploy't,
Can ever gain much, or enjoy it :
A gift that is not only able
To domineer among the rabble,
But by the laws inipcwered to rout,
And awe the greatest that stand out ;
Which few hold forth against, for fear
Their hands should slip, and come too near ;
For no sin else, among the saints.

Is taught so tenderly against.'

' What made thee break thy plighted vows ? '

'That which makes otliers break a house,

And hang, and scorn ye all, before

Endure the plague of being poor.'

Quoth he, ' I see you have more tricks

Than all our doting politics.

That are grown old, and out of fashion,

Compared with your new reformation ;

That we must come to school to you.

To learn your more refined and new.'
Quoth he, ' If you will give me leave

To tell you what I now perceive,

You'll find yourself an errant chouse.

If y' were but at a meeting-house.'

' 'Tis true,' quoth he, ' we ne'er come there,

Because w' have let 'em out by th' year.'
' Truly,' quoth he, ' you can't imagine

What wondrous things they will engage in ;

That as your fellow-fiends in hell

Were angels all before they fell.

So are you like to be again

Compared with th' angels of us men.'
Quoth he, ' I am resolved to be

Thy scholar in tliis m}-ster)- ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 199

And therefore first desire to know
Some principles on which you go.

' What makes a knave a child of God,
And one of us ? ' — ' A livelihocd.'

'What renders beating out of brains,
And murther, godliness ? ' — * Great gains.'

' What's tender conscience ? ' — ' 'Tis a botch
That will not bear the gentlest touch ;
But, breaking out, despatches more
Than th' epidemical'st plague-sore.'

' What makes y' incroach upon our trade,
And damn all others ? ' — ' To be paid.'

' What's orthodox and true believing
Against a conscience ? ' — ' A good living.'

' What makes rebelling against kings
A good old cause ? ' — ' Administrings.'

' What makes all doctrines plain and clear ? '
' About two hundred pounds a-year.'

'And that which was proved true before,
Prove false again ? ' — '■ Two hundred more.'

' What makes the breaking of all oaths
A holy duty?'—' Food and clothes.'

' What laws and freedom, persecution ? '
'Being out of power, and contribution.'

' What makes a church a den of thieves ? '
' A dean and chapter, and white sleeves.'

' And what would serve, if those were gone,
To make it orthodox? ' — ' Our own.'

' What makes morality a crime.
The most notorious of the time ;
Morality, which both the saints
And wicked too cry out against ? '

' 'Cause grace and virtue are within
Prohibited degrees of kin ;
And therefore no true saint allows
They shall be suffered to espouse :
For saints can need no conscience,
That with morality dispense ;
As virtue's impious, when 'tis rooted
In nature only, and not imputed :
But why the wicked should do so,
We neither know, nor care to do.'

800

HUDIBRAS. [part !iI.

' What's liberty of conscience,
I' th' natural and genuine sense ?'

' 'Tis to restore, with more security,
RebeUion to its ancient purity;
And Christian Hberty reduce
To th' elder practice of the Jews ;
For a large conscience is all one,
And signifies the same with none.'

' It is enough,' quoth he, 'for once,
And has reprieved thy forfeit bones :
Nick Machiavel had ne'er a trick.
Though he gave 's name to our Old Nick,
But was below the least of these,
That pass i' th' world for holiness.'

This said the furies, and the light
In th' instant vanished out of sight,
And left him in the dark alone.
With stinks of brimstone, and his own.

The queen of night, whose large command
Rules all the sea, and half the land,
And over moist and crazy brains,
In high spring-tides, at midn'ght reigns,
Was now declining to the west,
To go to bed and take her rest ;
When Hudibras, whose stubborn blows
Denied his bones that soft repose,
Lay still expecting worse and more,
Stretched out at length upon the floor ;
And though he shut his eyes as fast
As if h' had been to sleep his last.
Saw all the shapes that fear or wizards,
Do make the devil wear for vizards.
And pricking up his ears, to hark
If he could hear, too, in the dark,
Was first invaded with a groan,
And after, in a feeble tone,
These trembling words : ' Unhappy wretch,
What hast thou gotten by this fetch,
Or all thy tricks, in this new trade.
Thy holy brotherhood o' th' blade ?
By sauntering still on some adventure,
AnJ growmg to thy horse a centaur?

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 201

To stuff thy skin with swelUng knobs
Of cruel and hard-wooded drubs ?
For still th' hast had the worst on't yet,
As well in conquest as defeat :
Night is the sabbath of mankind,
To rest the body and the mind,
Which now thou art denied to keep,
And cure thy laboured corpse with sleep.'

The knight, who heard the words, explained
As meant to him this reprimand,
Because the character did hit
Point-blank upon his case so fit ;
Believed it was some drolling spright
That stayed upon the guard that night,
And one of those h' had seen, and felt
The drubs he had so freely dealt ;
When, after a short pause and groan,
The doleful Spirit thus went on :

' This 'tis t' engage with dogs and bears
Pell-mell together by the ears,
And, after painful bangs and knocks.
To lie in hmbo in the stocks,
And from the pinnacle of glory
Fall headlong into purgatory : ' —
(Thought he, ' This devil's full of malice
That on my late disasters rallies.')
' Condemned to whipping, but declined it,
By being more heroic-minded ;
And at a riding handled worse.
With treats more slovenly and coarse ;
Engaged with fiends in stubborn wars.
And hot disputes with conjurers;
And, when th' hadst bravely won the day,
Wast fain to steal thyself away.'
(' I see,' thought he, * this shameless elf
Would fain steal me too from myself,
That impudently dares to own
What I have suffered for and done.')
' And now, but venturing to betray.
Hast met with vengeance the same way.'

Thought he, ' How docs the devil know
What 'twas that I designed to do? •:^c\ry

STATr

HAN'T A ■■

202 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

His office of intelligence,

His oracles, are ceased long since ;

And he knows nothing of the saints,

But what some treacherous spy acquaints.

This is some pettifogging fiend,

Some under door-keeper's friend's friend,

That undertakes to understand,

And juggles at the second hand,

And now would pass for spirit Po,

And all men's dark concerns foreknow.

I think I need not fear him for't ;

These rallying devils do not hurt.'

With that he roused his drooping heart,

And hastily cried out, ' What art ? '

' A wretch,' quoth he, ' whom want of grace
Has brought to this unhappy place.'

' I do believe thee,' quoth the knight ;
* Thus far I'm sure thou'rt in the right :
And know what 'tis that troubles thee,
Better than thou hast guessed of me.
Thou art some paltry, blackguard sprite,
Condemned to drudgery in the night ;
Thou hast no work to do in th' house,
Nor halfpenny to drop in shoes ;
Without the raising of which sum
You dare not be so troublesome
To pinch the slatterns black and blue,
For leaving you their work to do.
This is your business, good Pug-Robin,
And your diversion dull dry bobbing,
T' entice fanatics in the dirt.
And wash 'em clean in ditches for't ;
Of which conceit you are so proud.
At every jest you laugh aloud,
As now you would have done by me,
But that I barred your raillery.'

' Sir,' quoth the Voice, ' y' are no such sophy.
As you would have tlie world judge of ye.
If you design to weigh our talents
I' th' standard of your own false balance.
Or think it possible to know
Us ghosts, as well as we do you,

CANTO I.] HUD I BRAS. 203

We who have been the everlasting
Companions of your drubs and basting,
And never left you in contest
With male or female, man or beast,
But proved as true t' ye, and entire,
In all adventures, as your squire.'

Quoth he, ' That may be said as true
By th' idlest pug of all your crew ;
For none could have betrayed us worse
Than those allies of ours and yours.
But I have sent him for a token
To your low-country Hogen-Mogen,
To whose infernal shores I hope
He'll swing like skippers in a rope :
And if ye've been more just to me,
As I am apt to think, than he,
I am afraid it is as true
What th' ill-affected say of )'ou ;
Y' have 'spoused the covenant and cause,
By holding up your cloven i)aws.'

'Sir,' quoth the Voice, ''tis true, I grant,
AVe made, and took the covenant ;
But that no more concerns the cause.
Than other perj'ries do the laws,
Which, when they're proved in open court.
Wear wooden peccadilloes for't :
And that's the reason cov'nanters
Hold up their hands, like rogues at bars.'

' I see,' quoth Hudibras, ' from whence
These scandals of the saints commence,
That are but natural effects
Of Satan's malice, and his sects,
Those spider-saints, that hang by threads
Spun out o' th' entrails of their heads.'

' Sir,' quoth the Voice, ' that may as true
And properly be said of you,
Whose talents may compare with either,
Or both the other put together :
For all the independents do.
Is only what you forced 'em to ;
You, who are not content alone
With tricks ^0 put the devil down,

204 HUDIBRAS. [pari \\h

But must have armies raised to back

The gospel-work you undertake ;

As if artillery and edge-tools,

Were th' only engines to save souls :

While he, poor devil, has no power

By force to run down and devour ;

Has ne'er a classis, cannot sentence

To stools, or poundage of repentance ;

Is tied up only to design,

T' entice, and tempt, and undermine :

In which you all his arts outdo,

And prove yourselves his betters too.

Hence 'tis possessions do less evil

Than mere temptations of the devil,

Which all the horrid'st actions done

Are charged in courts of law upon ;

Because, unless they help the elf,

He can do little of himself;

And, therefore, where he's best possessed,

Acts most against his interest ;

Surprises none but those who've priests

To turn him out, and exorcists,

Supplied with spiritual provision.

And magazines of ammunition ;

With crosses, relics, crucifixes,

Beads, pictures, rosaries, and pixes ;

The tools of working our salvation

By mere mechanic operation :

With holy water, like a sluice.

To overflow all avenues :

But those who're utterly unarmed,

T' oppose his entrance, if he stormed,

He never offers to surprise,

Although his falsest enemies;

But is content to be their drudge,

And on their errands glad to trudge :

For where are all your forfeitures

Intrusted in safe hands, but ours?

Who are but jailers of the holes

And dungeons where you clap up souls ;

Like under-kecpers, turn the keys

T' your mittimus anathemas,

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS.

And never boggle to restore
'J'he members yoii deliver o'er
Upon demand, with fairer justice,
Than all your covenanting trustees ;
Unless, to punish them the worse,
You put them in the secular powers.
And pass their souls, as some demise
The same estate in mortgage twice ;
When to a legal utlegation
You turn your excommunication,
And, for a groat unpaid that's due,
Distrain on soul and body too.'

Thought he, ' ' Tis no mean part of civil
State-prudence to cajole the devil,
And not to handle him too rough,
When h' has us in his cloven hoof.'

''Tis true,' quoth he, 'that intercourse
Has passed between your friends and ours,
That, as you trust us, in our way,
To raise your members, and to lay,
We send you others of our own.
Denounced to hang themselves, or drown,
Or, frighted with our oratory,
To leap down headlong many a story ;
Have used all means to propagate
Your mighty interests of state.
Laid out our spiritual gifts to further
Your great designs of rage and murther :
For if the saints are named from blood,
We only 'ave made that title good ;
And, if it were but in our power,
We should not scruple to do more,
And not be half a soul behind
Of all dissenters of mankind.'

' Righ.t,' quoth the Voice, ' and, as I scorn
To be ungrateful, in return
Of all those kind good offices,
I'll free you out of this distress.
And set you down in safety, — where.
It is no time to tell you here.
The cock crows, and the morn draws on.
When 'tis decreed I must be gone ;

2o6 HUDIBRAS. [part iir.

And if I leave you here till day,
You'll find it hard to get away.'

With that the Spirit groped about
To find th' enclianted hero out,
And tried with haste to lift him up,
But found his forlorn hope, his crup,
Unserviceable with kicks and blows,
Received from hardened-hearted foes.
He thought to drag him by the heels,
Like Gresham-carts, with legs for wheel: ;
But fear, that soonest cures those sores,
In danger of relapse to worse.
Came in t' assist him with its aid,
And up his sinking vessel weighed.
No sooner was he fit to trudge.
But both made ready to dislodge ;
The Spirit horsed him, like a sack, ,

Upon the vehicle his back.
And bore him headlong into th' hall,
With some few rubs against the wall ;
Where finding out the postern locked,
And th' avenues as strongly blocked,
H' attacked the window, stormed the glass,
And in a moment gained the pass ;
Through which he dragged the worsted soldier's
Fore-quarters out by th' head and shoulders,
And cautiously began to scout
To find their fellow-cattle out ;
Nor was it half a minute's quest,
Ere he retrieved the champion's beast,
Tied to a pale, instead of rack.
But ne'er a saddle on his back.
Nor pistols at the saddle bow,
Conveyed away, the Lord knows how.
He thought it was no time to stay.
And let the night, too, steal away ;
But, in a trice, advanced the knight
Upon the bare ridge, bolt upright.
And, groping out for Ralpho's jade.
He found the saddle, too, was strayed.
And in the place a lump of soap.
On which he speedily leaped up \

CANTO I.] HVDIBRAS. 207

And, turning to the gate the rein, '
He kicked and cudgelled on amain ;
While Hudibras, with equal haste,
On both sides laid about as fast,
And spurred, as jockies use, to break,
Or padders to secure, a neck :
Where let us leave 'em for a time,
And to their churches turn our rhyme ;
To hold forth their declining state,
Which now come near an even rate.

C A N T O I I.

THE ARGUMENT.

The saints enj^age in fierce contests
About their carnal interests,
To share their sacrilegious preys
According to their rates of grace :
Their various frenzies to reform,
\Vhen Cromwell left them in a storm ;
Till, in th' effige of Rumps, the rabble
Burn all their grandees of the cabal.

The learned write, an insect breeze

Is but a mongrel prince of bees,

That falls before a storm on cows.

And stings the founders of his house ;

From whose corrupted flesh that breed

Of vermin did at first proceed.

So, ere the storm of war broke out,

Religion spawned a various rout

Of petulant capricious sects.

The maggots of corrupted texts,

That first run all religion down.

And after every swarm its own :

For as the Persian Magi once

Upon their mothers got their sons.

That were incapable t' enjoy

That empire any other way ;

So presbyter begot the other

Upon the good old Cause, his mother,

Then bore them like the devil's dam,

Whose son and husband are the same ;

And yet no natural tie of blood,

Nor interest for the common good,

Could, when their profits interfered,

Get OjUarter for each other's beard :

For wl en they thrived they never fadged,

But only i:)y the ears engaged ;

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS.

Like dogs that snarl about a bone,
And play together when they've none ;
As by their truest characters,
Their constant actions, plainly appears.
Rebellion now began, for lack
Of zeal and plunder, to grow slack ;
The cause and covenant to lessen,
And prov'dence to be out of season :
For now there was no more to purchase
O' th' king's revenue, and tlie church's,
But all divided, shared, and gone,
That used to urge the ])rethren on ;
Which forced the stubborn'st for the cause,
To cross the cudgels to tlie laws.
That what by breaking them th' had gained
By their support might be maintained ;
Like thieves, that in a hemp-plot lie,
Secured against the hue-and-cry ;
For presbyter and independent
Were now turned plaintiff and defendant ;
Laid out their apostolic functions
On carnal orders and injunctions ;
And all their precious gifts and graces
On outlawries and scire facias ;
At Michael's term had many trial.
Worse than the Dragon and St. INIichael,
Where thousands fell, in shape of fees,
Into the bottomless abyss.
For when, nke brethren, and like friends,
They came to share their dividends.
And every partner to possess
His church and state joint-purcliases,
In which the ablest saint, and best.
Was named in trust by all the rest,
■ To pay their money, and, instead
Of every brother, pass the deed ;
He straight converted all his gifts
To pious frauds, and holy shifts,
And settled all the other shares
Upon his outward man and 's heirs ;
Held all they claimed as forfeit land?
Delivered up into his hands,

209

210 HUDIBRAS. [part III.

And passed upon his conscience
By pre-entail of providence ;
Impeached the rest for reprobates,
That had no titles to estates,
But by their spiritual attaints
Degraded from the right of saints.
This being revealed, they now begun
With law and conscience to fall on,
And laid about as hot and brain-sick
As th' utter barrister of Swanswick ;
Engaged with money-bags, as bold
As men with sand-bags did of old,
That brought the lawyers in more fees
Than all unsanctified trustees ;
Till he who had no more to show
I' th' case, received the overthrow ;
Or, both sides having had the worst,
They parted as they met at first.
Poor presbyter was now reduced,
Secluded, and cashiered, and choused !
Turned out, and excommunicate
From all affairs of church and state,
Reformed t' a reformado saint.
And glad to turn itinerant.
To stroll and teach from town to town,
And those he had taught up, teach down,
And make those uses serve again
Against the new-enlightened men,
As fit as when at first they were
Revealed against the cavalier;
Damn anabaptist and fanatic,
As pat as popish and prelatic ;
And, with as little variation.
To serve for any sect i' th' nation.
The good old cause, which some believe
To be the devil that tempted Eve
With knowledge, and does still invite
The world to mischief with new light,
Had store of money in her purse,
When he took her for better or worse.
But now was grown deformed and poor,
And fit to be turned out of door.

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 2TI

The independents (wliose first station
Was in the rear of reformation,
A mongrel kind of church- dragoons,
That served for horse and foot at once,
And in the saddle of one steed
The Saracen and Christian rid ;
Were free of every spiritual order,
To preach, and fight, and pray, and mnrder :)
No sooner got the start, to lurch
Both disciplines of war and church,
And providence enough to run
The chief commanders of them down,
But carried on the war against
The common enemy o' th' saints,
And in a while prevailed so far,
To win of them the game of war^
And be at liberty once more
T' attack themselves as th' had before.

For now there was no foe in arms
T' unite their factions with alarms,
But all reduced and overcome,
Except their worst, themselves at home,
Wh' had compassed all they prayed and swore,
And fought, and preached, and plundered for.
Subdued the nation, church, and state.
And all things but their laws and hate ;
But when they came to treat and transact,
And share the spoil of all th' had ransacked,
To botch up what th' had torn and rent.
Religion and the government,
They met no sooner, but prepared
To pull down all the war had spared ;
Agreed in nothing, but t' abolish,
Subvert, extirpate, and demohsh :
For knaves and fools being near of kin,
As Dutch boors are t' a sooterkin.
Both parties joined to do their best
To damn the public interest,
And herded only in consults.
To put by one another's bolts ;
T' out-cant the Babylonian labourers.
At all their dialects of jabberers.

HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

And tug at both ends of tlie saw,
To tear down government and law.
For as two cheats, that play one game.
Are both defeated of their aim ;
So those who play a game of state,
And only cavil in debate,
Although there's nothing lost nor won,
The public business is undone,
^Vhich still the longer 'tis in doing.
Becomes the surer way to ruin.

This when the royalists perceived, —
Who to their faith as firmly cleaved,
And owned the right they had paid down
So dearly for, the church and crown —
Th' united constanter, and sided
The more, the more their foes divided :
For tliough outnumbered, overthrown
And by the fate of war run down,
Their duty never was defeated,
Nor from their oaths and faith retreated ;
For loyalty is still the same,
Whether it win or lose the game ;
True as the dial to the sun,
Although it be not shined upon.
But when these bretheren in evil,
Their adversaries, and the devil,
Began once more to show them play,
And hopes, at least, to have a day,
They rallied in parades of woods,
And unfrequented solitudes ;
Convened at midnight in outhouses,
T' appoint new-rising rendezvouses,
And, with a pertinacy unmatched.
For new recruits of danger watched.
No sooner was one blow diverted.
But up another party started,
And as if nature too, in haste
To furnish our supplies as fast.
Before her time had turned destruction
T a new and numerous production ;
No sooner those were overcome,
But up rose otliers in tlicir room,

CANTO I r.] HUD] BRAS. 213

That, like the Christian faith, increased
The more, the more they were suppressed ;
Whoni neither chains, nor transportation,
Proscription, sale, or confiscation,
Nor all the desperate events
Of former tried experiments,
Nor wounds, could terrify, nor mangling,
To leave off loyalty and dangling,
Nor death, with all his bones, affright
From venturing to maintain the right,
From staking life and fortune down
'Gainst all together, for the crown ;
But kept the title of their cause
From forfeiture, like claims in laws ;
And proved no prosperous usurpation
Can ever settle on the nation ;
Until, in spite offeree and treason,
They put their loy'lty in possession ;
And, by their constancy and faith,
Destroyed the mighty men of Gath.

Tossed in a furious hurricane,
Did Oliver give up his reign.
And was believed, as well by saints
As moral men and miscreants.
To founder in the Stygian ferry,
Until he was retrieved by Sterry,
Who, in a false erroneous dream,
Mistook the New Jerusalem,
Profanely for th' apocryphal
False Heaven at the end o' th' Hall ;
Whither it was decreed by fiite.
His precious reliques to translate.
So Romulus was seen before
B' as orthodox a senator,
From whose divine illumination
He stole the pagan revelation.

Next him his son, and heir apparent
Succeeded, though a lame vicegerent,
Who first laid by the parliament.
The only crutch on which he leant,
And then sunk underneath the state.
That rode him above horseman's weight.

214 HUDIBRAS. [part iir.

And now the saints began their reign,
For which th' had yearned so long hi vain,
And felt such bowel-hankerings,
To see an empire, all of kings,
Delivered from th' Egyptian awe
Of justice, government, and law,
And free t' erect what spiritual cantons
Should be revealed, or gospel Hans-Towns.
To edify upon the ruins
Of John of Leyden's old outgoings,
Who for a weather-cock hung up
Upon their mother-church's top,
Was made a type by Providence,
Of all their revelations since,
And now fulfilled by his successors,
Who equally mistook their measures :
For when they came to shape the iiiodel,
Not one could fit another's noddle ;
But found their light and gifts more wide
From fadging, than th' unsanctified.
While every individual brother
Strove hand to fist against another,
And still the maddest, and znost cracked,
Were found the busiest to transact ;
For though most hands despatch apace.
And make light work, the proverb says,
Yet many different intellects
Are found t' have contrary effects ;
And many heads t' obstruct intrigues,
As slowest insects have most legs.

Some were for setting up a king,
But all the rest for no such thing,
Unless king Jesus : others tampered
For Fleetwood, Desborough, and Lambert ;
Some for the Rump ; and some more crafiy,
For agitators, and the safety ;
Some for the gospel, and massacres
Of spiritual affidavit-makers,
That swore to any human regence
Oaths of suprcm'cy and allegiance, —
Yea, though the ablest swearing saint.
That vouched the bulls o' th' covenant ;

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 215

Others for pulling down th' high places

Of synods and provincial classes.

That used to make such hostile inroads

Upon the saints, like bloody Nimrods ;

Some for fulfilling prophecies,

And th' extirpation of th' excise ;

And some against th' Egyptian bondage

Of holy-days, and paying poundage ;

Some for the cutting down of groves,

And rectifying bakers' loaves,

And some for finding out expedients

Against the slavery of obedience ;

Some were for gospel-ministers,

And some for redcoat seculars.

As men most fit t' hold forth the word,

And wield the one and th' other sword ;

Some were for carrying on the work

Against the pope, and some the Turk ;

Some for engaging to suppress

The camisado of surplices.

That gifts and dispensationa hindered.

And turned to th' outward man the inward :

More proper for the cloudy night

Of popery than gospel-light ;

Others were for abolishing

That tool of matrimony, a ring,

With which th' unsanctified bridegroom

Is married only to a thumb, —

As wise as ringing of a pig,

That used to break up ground, and dig, —

The bride to nothing but her will,

That nulls the after-marriage still ;

Some were for th' utter extirpation

Of linsey-woolsey in the nation ;

And some against all idolising

The cross in shop-books, or baptising ;

Others, to make all things recant

The Christian or surname of saint.

And force all churches, streets, and towns,

The holy title to renounce ;

Some 'gainst a third estate of souls,

And bringing down the price of coals ;

2i6 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

Some for abolishing black-pudding,
And eating nothing with the blood in,
To abrogate them roots and branches ;
W'hile others were for eating haunches
Of warriors, and, now and then.
The flesh of kings and mighty men ;
And some for breaking of their bones
With rods of iron, by secret ones ;
For thrashing mountains, and with spells
For hallowing carriers' packs and bells ;
Things that the legend never heard of,
But made the wicked sore afeard of

The quacks of government, who sate
At the unregarded helm of state,
And understood this wild confusion
Of fatal madness and delusion
Must, sooner than a prodigy.
Portend destruction to be nigh,
Considered timely how t' withdraw.
And save their windpipes from the law ;
For one rencounter at the bar
Was worse than all th' had 'scaped in war ;
And therefore met in consultation
To cant and quack upon the nation ;
Not for the sickly patient's sake.
Nor what to give, but what to take ;
To feel the purses of their fees,
Ivlore wise than fumbling arteries ;
Prolong the snuff of life in pain,
And from the grave recover — gain,

'Mong these there was a politician,
With more heads than a beast in vision,
And more intrigues in every one
Than all the whores of Babylon ;
So politic, as if one eye
Upon the other were a spy,
That, to trepan the one to think
The other blind, both strove to blink;
And in his dark pragmatic way
As busy as a child at play.
H' had seen three governments run down,
And had a hand in every one :

CANTO il] hudibras, 217

Was for 'em, and against 'em all,

But barbarous when they came to fall :

For by trepanning th' old to ruin,

He made his interest with the new one ;

Played true and faithful, though against

His conscience, and was still advanced :

.?or by the witchcraft of rebellion

'I'ransformed t' a feeble state-camelion,

!iy giving aim from side to side,

He never failed to save his tide,

But got the start of every state,

And, at a change, ne'er came too late ;

Could turn his word, and oath, and faith,

As many ways as in a lathe ;

By turning wriggle, like a screw,

Int' highest trust, and out, for new ;

For when h' had happily incurred,

Instead of hemp, to be preferred,

And passed upon a government,

He played his trick, and out he went ;

But being out, and out of hopes

To mount his ladder, more, of ropes,

Would strive to raise himself upon

The public ruin, and his own ;

So little did he understand

The desperate feats he took in hand,

For when h' had got himself a name

For frauds and tricks he spoiled his game ;

Had forced his neck into a noose.

To show his play at fast and loose ;

And, when he chanced t' escape, mistook,

For art and subtlety, his luck.

So right his judgment was cut fit.

And ra?de a tally to his wit,

And both together most profound

At deeds of darkness under ground ;

As th' earth is easiest undermined,

By vermin impotent and blind.

By all these arts, and many more,
H' had practised long and much before,
Our stite-arlificer foresaw
Which way the ^^•orld began to draw :

2i8 HUDIBRAS. [part HI.

For as old sinners have all points

O' th' compass in their bones and joints,

Can by their pangs and aches find

All turns and changes of the wind,

And, better than by Napier's bones,

Feel in their own the age of moons :

So guilty sinners, in a state,

Can by their crimes prognosticate,

And in their consciences feel pain,

Some days before a shower of rain ;

He therefore wisely cast about

All ways he could, t' insure his throat,

And hither came, t' observe and smoke

What courses other riskers took.

And to the utmost do his best

To save himself, and hang the rest.

To match this saint there was another
As busy and perverse a brother,
An haberdasher of small wares
In politics and state-affairs ;
More Jew than rabbi Achitophel,
And better gifted to rebel ;
For when h' had taught his tribe to 'spouse
The cause, aloft upon one house.
He scorned to set his own in order,
But tried another, and went further ;
So suddenly addicted still
To 's only principle, his will,
That whatsoe'er it chanced to prove,
No force of argument could move.
Nor law, nor cavalcade of Holborn,
Could render half a grain less stubborn ;
For he at any time Avould hang,
For th' opportunity t' harangue ;
And rather on a gibbet dangle,
Than miss his dear delight, to wrangle ;
In which his parts were so accomplished,
That, right or wrong, he ne'er was nonplussed ;
But still his tongue ran on, the less
Of weight it bore, with greater ease ;
And, with its everlasting clack.
Set all men's ears upon the rack ;

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 219

No sooner could a hint appear,

But up he started to pickeer,

And made the stoutest yield to mercy,

When he engaged in controversy ;

Not by the force of carnal reason,

But indefatigable teazing ;

With volleys of eternal babble,

And clamour, more unanswerable :

For though his topics, frail and weak,

Could ne'er amount above a freak.

He still maintained 'em, like his faults,

Against the desp'ratest assaults ;

And backed their feeble want of sense

With greater heat and confidence ;

As bones of Hectors, when they differ.

The more they're cudgelled, grow the stiffer.

Yet when his profit moderated,

The fury of his heat abated ;

For nothing but his interest

Could lay his devil of contest :

It was his choice, or chance, or curse,

T' espouse the cause for better or worse,

And with his worldly goods and wit,

And soul and body worshipped it :

But when he found the sullen trapes

Possessed with th' devil, worms, and japes j

The Trojan mare, in foal with Greeks,

Not half so full of jadish tricks.

Though squeamish in her outward woman,

As loose and rampant as Dol Common ;

He still resolved to mend the matter,

T' adhere and cleave the obstinater ;

And still, the skittisher and looser

Her freaks appeared, to sit the closer ;

For fools are stubborn in their way.

As coins are hardened by th' allay :

And obstinacy's ne'er so stiff,

As when 'tis in a wrong belief.

These two, with others, being met,
And close in consultation set,
After a discontented pause.
And not without sufficient cause,

HUDIBRAS, [part hi.

The orator we named of late,

Less troubled with the pangs of state,

Than with his own impatience,

To give himself first audience,

After he had a while looked wise,

At last broke silence, and the ice.

Quoth he, ' There's nothing makes me doubt

Our last outgoings brought about,

More than to see the characters

Of real jealousies and fears

Not feigned, as once, but sadly horrid,

Scored upon every member's forehead ;

Who, 'cause the clouds are drawn together,

And threaten sudden change of weather,

Feels pangs and aches of state-turns.

And revolutions in their corns ;

And, since our workings-out are crossed,

Throw up the cause before 'tis lost.

Was it to run away we meant.

When, taking of the covenant.

The lamest cripples of the brothers,

Took oaths to run before all others.
But in their own sense, only swore,

To strive to run away before.

And now would prove, that words and oath

Engage us to renounce them both?

'Tis true the cause is in the lurch.

Between a right and mongrel-church ;

The presbyter and independent.

That stickle which shall make an end on't,

As 'twas made out to us the last

Expedient,— I mean Margaret's fast;

When Providence had been suborned,

What answer was to be returned :

Else why should tumults fright us now,

We have so many times gone through,

And understand as well to tame

As, when they serve our turns, t' intlame?

Have proved how inconsiderable

Are all engagements of the rabble.

Whose frenzies must be reconciled

With drums, and rattles, like a child,

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 221

But never proved so prosperous,
As wlien they were led on by us ;
For all our scouring of religion
Began with tumults and sedition :
When hurricanes of fierce commotion
Became strong motives to devotion :
As carnal seamen in a storm,
Turn pious converts, and reform ;
When rusty weapons with chalked edges,
Maintained our feeble privileges,
And brown-bills, levied in the city,
Made bills to pass the grand committee ;
When zeal, with aged clubs and gleaves.
Gave chase to rochets, and white sleeves.
And made the church, and state and laws,
Submit t' old iron, and the cause.
And as we thrived by tumults then,
So might we better know again.
If we knew how, as then we did.
To use them rightly in our need ;
Tumults, by which the mutinous
Betray themselves instead of us ;
The hollow-hearted, disaffected.
And close malignant are detected ;
Who lay their lives and fortunes down,
For pledges to secure our own ;
And freely sacrifice their ears
T' appease our jealousies and fears.
And, yet for all these providences
W are offered, if we have our senses,
We idly sit, like stupid blockheads.
Our hands committed to our pockets.
And nothing but our tongues at large,
To get the wretches a discharge :
Like men condemned to thunder-bolts,
Who, ere the blow, become mere dolts ;
Or fools besotted with their crimes,
That know not how to shift betimes,
That neither have the hearts to stay,
Nor wit enough to run away ;
Who, if we could resolve on either,
Might stand or fall at least together;

HUDIBRAS. [fart hi.

No mean nor trivial solaces

To partners in extreme distress ;

Who used to lessen their despairs,

By parting them int' equal shares j

As if the more there were to bear,

They felt the weight the easier ;

And every one the gentler hung,

The more he took his turn among.

But 'tis not come to that, as yet,

If we had courage left, or wit,

Who, when our fate can be no worse.

Are fitted for the bravest course,

Have time to rally, and prepare

Our last and best defence, despair :

Despair, by which the gallant'st feats

Have been achieved in greatest straits,

And horrid'st dangers safely waived.

By being courageously outbraved ;

As wounds by wider wounds are healed,

And poisons by themselves expelled :

And so they might be now again,

If we were, what we should be, men ;

And not so dully desperate,

To side against ourselves with fate :

As criminals, condemned to suffer,

Are blinded first, and then turned over.

This comes of breaking covenants,

And setting up exempts of saints,

That fine, like aldermen, for grace,

To be excused the efficace :

For spiritual men are too transcendent,

That mount their banks for independent;,

To hang, like Mahomet in the air,

Or St. Ignatius at his prayer,

By pure geometry, and hate

Dependence upon church or state :

Disdain the pedantry o' th' letter.

And since obedience is better,

The Scripture says, than sacrifice.

Presume the less on't will suffice ;

And scorn to have the moderat'st stints

Prescribed their peremptory hints,

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 223

Or any opinion, true or false,

Declared as such, in doctrinals ;

But left at large to make their best on,

Without being called t' account or quest'on :

Interpret all the spleen reveals,

As Whittington explained the bells ;

And bid themselves turn back again

Lord Mayors of New Jerusalem ;

But look so big and overgrown,

They scorn their edifiers to own,

Who taught them all their sprinkling lessons, ■

Their tones, and sanctified expressions ;

Bestowed their gifts upon a saint,

Like charity, on those that want \

And learned the apocryphal bigots

T' inspire themselves with short-hand notes,

For which they scorn and hate them worse

Than dogs and cats do sow-geld ers :

For who first bred them up to pray,

And teach the House of Commons' way?

Where had they all their gifted phrases,

But from our Calamys and Cases ?

Without whose sprinkleing and sowing,

Who e'er had heard of Nye or Owen ?

Their dispensations had been stifled,

But for our Adoniram Byfield ;

And had they not begun the war,

Th' had ne'er been sainted as they are :

For saints in peace degenerate,

And dwindle down to reprobate ;

Their zeal corrupts, like standing water,

In th' intervals of war and slaughter ;

Abates the sharpness of its edge,

Without the power of sacrilege ;

And though they've tricks to cast their sins,

As easy as serpents do their skins.

That in a while grow out again.

In peace they turn mere carnal men,

And from the most refined of saints.

As naturally grow miscreants

As barnacles turn solan geese

I' th' islands of the Orcades.

HUDIERAS. [part ill

Their dispensation's but a ticket

For iheir conforming to the wicked,

With whom their greatest difference

Lies more in words and show, than sense :

For as the Pope, that keeps the gate

Of heaven, wears three crowns of state ;

So he that keeps the gate of hell,

Proud Cerb'rus, wears three heads as well ;

And, if the world has any troth.

Some have been canonized in both.

But that which does them greatest harm,

Their spiritual gizzards are too warm,

Which puts the overheated sots

In fever still, like other goats ;

For though the whore bends heretics

Which flames of f.re, like crooked sticks,

Our schismatics so vastly differ,

Th' hotter th' are they grow the stififer ;

Still setting off their spiritual goods.

With fierce and pertinacious feuds :

For zeal's a dreadful termagant.

That teaches saints to tear and rant,

And independents to profess

The doctrine of dependences ;

Turns meek, and secret, sneaking ones,

To rawheads fierce, and bloody bones ;

And not content with endless quarrels

Against the wicked, and their morals,

The Gibellines, for want of Guelfs,

Divert their rage upon themselves.

For, now the war is not between

The brethren and the men of sin.

But saint and saint to spill the blood

Of one another's brotherhood,

Where neither side can lay pretence

To liberty of conscience.

Or zealous suffering for the cause.

To gain one groat's worth of applause ;

For, though endured with resolution,

'Twill ne'er amount to persecution ;

Shall precious saints, and secret ones.

Break one another's outward bones,

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 225

And eat the flesh of bretheren,

Instead of kings and mighty men ?

When fiends agree among themselves,

Shall they be found the greater elves ?

When Bell's at union with the Dragon,

And Baal-Peor friends with Dagon ;

When savage bears agree with bears,

Shall secret ones lug saints by th' ears,

And not atone their fatal wrath,

When common danger threatens both ?

Shall mastiffs, by the collars pulled.

Engaged with bulls, let go their hold ?

And saints, whose necks are pawned at stake,

No notice of the danger take?

But though no power of heaven or hell

Can pacify fanatic zeal,

Who would not guess there might be hopes

The fear of gallowses and ropes

Before their eyes, might reconcile

Their animosities a while ;

At least until th' had a clear stage,

And equal freedom to engage,

Without the danger of surprise

By both our common enemies ?

• This none but we alone could doubt
Who understand their workings-out,
And know 'em, both in soul and conscience,
Giv'ji up t' as reprobate a nonsense
As spiritual outlaws, whom the power
Of miracle can ne'er restore.
We, whom at first they set up under
In revelation only of plunder,
Who since have had so many trials
Of their encroaching self-denials.
That rooked upon us with design
To out-reform, and undermine ;
Took all our interests and commands
Perfidiously, out of our hands ;
Involved us in the guilt of blood,
^V^ithout the motive gains allowed.
And made us serve as ministerial,
Like younger sons of father Belial,

H

?26 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

And yet, for all th' inhuman wrong,

Th' had done us, and the cause so long,

We never failed to carry on

The work still, as we had begun ;

But true and faithfully obeyed.

And neither preached tliem hurt, nor prayed ;

Nor troubled them to crop our ears.

Nor hang us, like the cavahers ;

Nor put them to the charge of jails.

To find us pillories and carts'-tails,

Or hangman's wages, which the state

Was forced, before them, to be at ;

That cut, like tallies, to the stumps,

Our ears for keeping true accounts.

And burned our vessels, like a new

Sealed peck, or bushel, for being true ;

But hand in hand, like faithful brothers, •

Held for the cause against all others,

Disdaining equally to yield

One syllable of what we held.

And though we differed now and then

'Bout outward things, and outward men,

Our inward men, and constant frame

Of spirit still were near tlie same ;

And till they first began to cant.

And sprinkle down the covenant.

We ne'er had call in any place.

Nor dreamed of teaching down free grace;

But joined our gifts perpetually

Against the common enemy,

Although 'twas ours, and their opinion.

Each other's cliurch was but a Rimmon.

And yet, for all this gospel-union.

And outward show of church-communion.

They'd ne'er admit us to our shares,

Of ruling church, or state affairs,

Nor give us leave t' absolve, or sentence

T' our own conditions of repentance ;

But shared our dividend o' the crown

We had so painfully preached down,

And forced us, though against the grain,

T' have calls to teach it up again.

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 227

For 'twas but justice to restore
The wrongs we had received before ;
And when 'twas held forth in our way,
W had been ungrateful not to pay 5
Who for the right we've done the nation,
Have earned our temporal salvation,
And put our vessels in a way,
Once more to come again in play :
For if the turning of us out,
Has brought this providence about,
And that our only suffering
Is able to bring in the king.
What would our actions not have done,
Had we been suffered to go on ?
And therefore may pretend t' a share,
At least, in carrying on th' affair :
But whether that be so, or not.
We've done enough to have it thought.
And that's as good as if w' had done 't.
And easier passed upon account :
For if it be but half denied,
'Tis half as good as justified.
The world is naturally averse,
To all the truth it sees or hears,
But swallows nonsense and a lie
With greediness and gluttony ;
And though it have the pique, and long,
'Tis still for something in the wrong ;
As women long, when they're with child.
For things extravagant and wild ;
For meats ridiculous and fulsome,
But seldom any thing that's wholesome ;
And, like the world, men's jobbernoles
Turn round upon their ears, the poles.
And what they're confidently told,
By no sense else can be controlled.

^ And this, perliaps, may prove the means
Once more to hedge in Providence.
For as relapses make diseases
More desperate than their first accesses ;
If we but get again in power.
Our work, is easier than before;

.. H 2

528 HUblBRAS. [part III.

And we more ready aiid expert

I' ih' mystery, to do our part :

We, wlio did rather undertake

The first war to create, than make ;

And when of nothing 'twas begun,
; Raised funds as strange, to carry 't on j

Trepanned the state, and faced it down, \

With plots and projects of our own ; '--

And if we did such feats at first,

What can we now we're better versed ?

Who have a freer latitude

Than sinners give themselves, allowed ;

And therefore likeliest to bring in,

On fairest terms, our discipline ;

To which it was revealed long since

'We were ordained by Providence,

When three saints' ears, our predecessors

The Cause's primitive confessors,

B'ing crucified, the nation stood

In just so many years of blood,

That, multiplied by six, expressed

'Qihe iperfect number of the beast,

And proved that we must be the men

To bring this work about again ;

And those who laid the first foundation,

Complete the thorough reformation :

For who have gifts to carry on

So great a work, but we alone ?

What churches have such able pastors.

And precious, powerful, preaching masters?

Possessed with absolute dominions, .

V O'er brethren's purses and opinions, |

-'. And trusted with tlie double keys ;

■,,' Of heaven, and their warehouses ; ,., |

*• Who, when the cause is in distress, / ^

Can furnish out what sums they please, /

That brooding lie in banker's hands,

I'o be disposed at their commands ; , ,

And daily increase and nuiltiply, ' *,

With doctrine, use, and usury : ,

Can fetch in ])artics, as, in war

All other heads of cattle are, ' ""

i^

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 229

From th' enemy of all religions,
As well as high and low conditions,
And share them, from blue ribands down
To all blue aprons in the town ;
From ladies hurried in caleches,
With cornets at their footmen's breeches,
To queans as fat as mother Nab,
All case and body, like a crab.
Our party's great, and better tied
With oaths, and trade, than any side ;
Has one considerable improvement
To double fortify the covenant ;
I mean our covenant to purchase
Delinquents' titles, and the church's,
That pass in sale, from hand to hand,
Among ourselves, for current land,
And rise or fall, like Indian actions,
According to the rate of factions ;
Our best reserve for reformation,
When new outgoings give occasion ;
That keeps the loins of brethren girt,
The covenant, their creed, t' assert ;
And, when they've packed a parliament,
Will once more try th' expedient :
Who can already muster friends,
To serve for members to our ends,
That represent no part o' th' nation,
But Fisher's-folly congregation ;
Are only tools to our intrigues.
And sit like geese to hatch our eggs ;
Who, by their precedence of wit,
T' outfast, oulloiter, and outfit,
And order matters under hand,
To put all business to a stand ;
Lay public bills aside, for private,
And make 'em one another drive out ;
Divert the great and necessary,
With trifles to contest and vary ;
And make the nation represent,
And serve for us in parliament ;
Cut out more work than can be done
In Plato's year, but finish none,

230 HUDIBRAS. [part ill.

Unless it be the bulls of Lenthal,
That always passed for fundamental :
Can set up grandee against grandee,
To squander time away, and bandy ;
Make lords and commoners lay sieges
To one another's privileges :
And, rather than compound the quarrel,
Engage, to th' inevitable peril
Of both their ruins, th' only scope
And consolation of our hope :
Who, though we do not play the game,
Assist us much by giving aim ;
Can introduce our ancient arts,
For heads of factions t' act their parts ;
Know what a leading voice is worth,
A seconding, a third, or fourth ;
How much a casting voice comes to,
That turns up trump of Ay or No ;
And, by adjusting all at th' end,
Share every one his dividend.
An art that so much study cost.
And now's in danger to be lost,
Unless our ancient virtuosos,
That found it out, get into th' houses.
These are the courses that we took
To carry things by hook or crook.
And practised down from forty-four.
Unless they turned us out of door :

Beside the herds of Boutefeus

We set on work, without the house,

When every knight and citizen

Kept legislative journeymen,

To bring them in intelligence,

From all points of the rabble's sense,

And fill the lobbies of both houses

With politic important buzzes ;

Set up committees of cabals,

To pack designs without the walls ;

Examine and draw up all news,

And fit it to our present use ;

Agree upon the plot o' the farce,

And every one his part rehearse ;

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 231

Make Qs of answers, to waylay

What th' other party's like to say ;

With repartees, and smart reflections.

Shall be returned to all objections :

And who shall break the master-jest,

And what, and how, upon the rest ;

Help pamphlets out, with safe editions,

Of proper slanders and seditions,

And treason for a token send,

By letter, to a country friend ;

Disperse lampoons, the only wit

That men, like burglary, commit.

With falser than a padder's face,

That all its owner does betrays ;

Who therefore dares not trust it, wlien

He's in his calling, to be seen.

Disperse the dung on barren earth,

To bring new weeds of discord forth ;

Be sure to keep up congregations.

In spite of laws and proclamations :

For charlatans can do no good.

Until they're mounted in a crowd ;

And when they're punished, all the hurt

Is but to fare the better for't \

As long as confessors are sure

Of double pay for all th' endure,

And what they earn in persecution,

Are paid t' a groat in contribution :

Whence some tub-holders-forth have made

In powdering-tubs their richest trade ;

And, while they keep their shops in prison.

Have found their prices strangely risen.

Disdain to own the least regret

For all the Christian blood we've let ;

'Twill save our credit, and maintain

Our title to do so again ;

That needs not cost one dram of sense.

But pertinacious impudence.

Our constancy t' our principles,

In time will wear out all things else ;

Like marble statues, rubbed in pieces

With gallantry of pilgrims' kisses ;

232 HUDIDRAS. [part hi.

While those who turn and wind their oaths,
Have swelled and sunk, like other froths ;
Prevailed a while, but 'twas not long
Before from world to world they swung ;
As they had turned from side to side,
And as the changelings lived they died.'

This said, th' impatient statesmonger
Could now contain himself no longer,
Who had not spared to show his piques
Against th' haranguer's politics,
With smart remarks of leering faces,
And annotations of grimaces.
After he had administered a dose
Of snuft" mundungus to his nose,
And powdered th' inside of his skull,
Instead of th' outward jobbernol,
He shook it with a scornful look
On th' adversary, and thus he spoke :

'In dressing a calf's head, althougli
The tongue and brains together go,
Both keep so great a distance here,
'Tis strange if ever they come near ;
For who did ever play his gambols
With such insufferable rambles.
To make the bringing in the king,
And keeping of him out, one thing ?
Which none could do, but those that swore
T' as point-blank nonsense heretofore ;
That to defend was to invade,
And to assassinate to aid :
Unless, because you drove him out, —
And that was never made a doubt, —
No power is able to restore
And bring him in, but on your score ;
A spiritual doctrine, that conduces
Most properly to all your uses.
'Tis true, a scorpion's oil is said
To cure the wounds the vermin made ;
And weapons dressed with salves, restore
And heal the hurts they gave before :
But whether Presbyterians have
So much good nature as the salve,

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 233

Or virtue in them as the vermin.

Those who have tried them can determine.

Indeed 'tis pity you should miss

Th' arrears of all your services,

And for th' eternal obligation

Y' laid upon th' ungrateful nation,

B' used so unconscionably hard,

As not to find a just reward,

For letting rapine loose, and murtlier,

To rage just so far, but no further :

And setting all the land on fire,

To burn t' a scantling, but no higher ;

For venturing to assassinate,

And cut the throats of church and state,

And not be allowed the fittest men

To take the charge of both again :

Especially that have the grace

Of self-denying gifted face ;

Who, when your projects have miscarried.

Can lay them, with undaunted forehead,

On those you painfully trepanned.

And sprinkled in at second hand ;

As we have been, to share the guilt

Of Christian blood, devoutly spilt ;

For so our ignorance was flammed

To damn ourselves, t' avoid being damned ;

Till finding your old foe, the hangman,

Was like to lurch you at backgammon,

And win your necks upon the set,

As well as ours, who did but bet ;

For he had drawn your ears before,

And nicked them on the self-same score

We threw the box and dice away,

Before y' had lost us at foul play ;

And brought you down to rook and lie,

And fancy only on the by ;

Redeemed your forfeit jobbernoles.

From perching upon lofty poles,

And rescued all your outward traitors,

From hanging up, like alligators ;

For which ingeniously y' have showed

Your presbyterian gratitude ;

234 HUDIBRAS. [part ill.

Would freely have paid us home in kind,

And not have been one rope behind.

Those were your motives to divide,

And scruple, on the other side,

To turn your zealous frauds, and force,

To fits of conscience and remorse ;

To be convinced they were in vain,

And face about for new again ;

For truth no more unveiled your eyes,

Than maggots are convinced to flies ;

And therefore all your lights and calls

Are but apocryphal and false.

To charge us with the consequences

Of all your native insolences,

That to your own imperious wills

Laid law and gospel neck and heels ;

Corrupted the Old Testament,

To serve the New for precedent ;

T' amend its errors and defects,

With murder and rebellion-texts ;

Of which there is not any one

In all the book to sow upon ;

And therefore from your tribe, the Jews

Held Christian doctrine forth, and use ;

As Mahomet your chief, began

To mix them in the Alcoran ;

Denounced and prayed with fierce devotion,

And bended elbows on the cushion :

Stole from the beggars all your tones.

And gifted mortifying groans \

Had lights where better eyes were blind,

As pigs are said to sec the wind ;

Filled Bedlam with predestination,

And Knightsbridge with illumination ;

Made children, with your tones, to run for't,

As bad as Bloodyboncs or Lunsford.

While women, great with child, miscarried,

For being to malignants married :

'J'ransformed all wives to Dalilahs,

Whose husbands were not for the cause ;

And turned the men to ten-horned rattle.

Because they came not out to battle ;

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 235

Made tailors' 'prentices turn heroes,

For fear of being transformed to Meroz,

And rather forfeit their indentures,

Than not espouse the saints' adventures :

Could transubstantiate, metamorphose,

And charm whole herds of beasts, like Orpheus ;

Enchant the king's and church's lands,

T' obey and follow your commands,

And settle on a new freehold,

As Marcly Hill had done of old ;

Could turn the cov'nant, and translate

The gospel into spoons and plate ;

Expound upon all merchants' cashes,

And open th' intricatest places;

Could catechize a money-box.

And prove all pouches orthodox ;

Until the cause became a Damon,

And Pythias the wicked Mammon.

' And yet, in spite of all your charms
To conjure Legion up in arms,
And raise more devils in the rout,
Than e'er y' were able to cast out,
Y' have been reduced, and by those fools,
Bred up, you say, in your own schools,
Who, though but gifted at your feet.
Have made it plain they have more \\it.
By whom you've been so oft trepanned,
And held forth, out of all command ;
Out-gifted, out-impulsed, out-done.
And out-revealed at carryings-on ;
Of all your dispensations wormed,
Out-providenced and out-reformed ;
Ejected out of church and state.
And all things but the people's hate ;
And spirited out of th' enjoyments
Of precious, edifying employments.
By those who lodged their gifts and graces,
Like better bowlers, in your i)laces :
All which you bore with resolution.
Charged on th' account of persecution ;
And though most righteously oppressed,
Against your wills, still acquiesced :

236 HUDIERAS. [part hi.

And never hummed and hahed sedition,
Nor snuffled treason, nor misprision :
That is, because you never durst ;
For, had >ou preaclied and prayed your worst,
Alas ! you were no longer able
To raise your posse of the rabble :
One single redcoat sentinel
Out-charmed the magic of the spell,
And, with his squirt-fire, could disperse
Whole troops with chapter raised and verse.
We knew too well those tricks of yours,
To leave it ever in your powers.
Or trust our safeties, or undoings,
To your disposing of outgoings,
Or to your ordering providence,
One farthing's worth of consequence.
' For had you power to undermine.
Or wit to carry a design.
Or correspondence to trepan,
Inveigle, or betray one man,
There's nothing else that intervenes,
And bars your zeal to use the means ;
And therefore wondrous like, no doubt,
To bring in kings, or keep them out :
Brave undertakers to restore.
That could not keep yourselves in power ;
T* advance the interests of the crown.
That wanted wit to keep your own.
'Tis true you have, for I'cl be loth
To wrong ye, done your parts in both.
To keep him out, and bring him in,
As grace is introduced by sin ;
For 'twas your zealous want of sense,
And sanctified impertinence.
Your carrying business in a huddle,
That forced our rulers to new-model ;
Obliged the state to tack about,
And turn you, root and branch, all out ;
To reformado, one and all,
T' your great croisado general :
Your greedy slavering to devour,
Before 'twas in your clutches, power ;

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 237

That sprung the game you were to set,

Before y' had time to draw the net 3

Your spite to see the church's lands

Divided into other hands,

And all your sacrilegious ventures

Laid out in tickets and debentures :

Your envy to be sprinkled down,

By under churches in the town ;

And no course used to stop their mouths,

Nor th' independents' spreading growths :

All which considered, 'tis most true

None bring him in so much as you.

Who have prevailed beyond their plots,

Their midnight juntos, and sealed knots ;

That thrive more by your zealous piques,

Than all their own rash politics.

And this way you may claim a share

In carrying, as you brag, th' affair.

Else frogs and toads, that croaked the Jews

From Pharaoh and his brick-kilns loose,

And flies and mange, that set them free

From task-masters and slavery.

Were likelier to do the feat.

In any indifferent man's conceit :

For who e'er heard of restoration,

Until your thorough reformation ?

That is, the king's and church's lands

Were sequestered int' other hands :

For only then, and not before,

Your eyes were opened to restore ;

And when the work was carrying on.

Who crossed it, but yourselves alone ?

As by a world of hints appears,

All plain, and extant, as your ears.

' But first, o' th' first : The Isle of Wight
Will rise up, if you should deny't.
Where Henderson, and th' other masses,
Were sent to cap texts, and put cases :
To pass for deep and learned scholars.
Although put paltry Ob and SoUcrs :
As if th' unseasonable fools
Had been a coursing in the schools,

2^8 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

Until th' liad proved the devil author
O' th' cov'nant, and the cause his daughter ;
For wlicn they charged him witlr the guilt
Of all the blood that had been spilt,
They did not mean he wrought th' effusion
In person, like Sir Pride, or Hewson,
But only those who first begun
The quarrel were by him set on ;
And who could those be but the saints,
Those reformation termagants ?
But ere this passed, the wise debate
Spent so much time it grew too late ;
For Oliver had gotten ground,
T' inclose him with his warriors round ;
Had brought his providence about,
And turned th' untimely sophists out.

' Nor had the Uxbridge business less
Of nonsense in't, or sottishness ;
When from a scoundrel holder-forth,
The scum, as well as son o' th' earth,
Your mighty senators took law,
At his command were forced t' withdraw,
And sacrifice the peace o' th' nation
The doctrine, use, and application.
So when the Scots, your constant cronies,
Th' espouscrs of your cause and monies,
Who had so often, in your aid.
So niany ways been soundly paid,
Came in at last for better ends,
To prove themselves your trusty friends,
You basely left them, and the church
They trained you up to, in the lurch,
And suffered your own tribe of Christians
To fall before, as true Philistines.
This shows what utensils y' have been,
To bring the king's concernments in.
Which is so far from being true.
That none but he can bring in you ;
And if he take you into trust,
Will find you most exactly just,
Such as will punctually repay
With double interest, and betray.

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 239

' Not that I think those pantomimes,
Who vary action with the times,
Are less ingenious in their art,
Than those who dully act one part ;
Or those who turn. from side to side,
More guilty than tlie wind and tide.
All countries are a wise man's home
And so are governments to some,
Who change them for the same intrigues
That statesmen use in breaking leagues ;
While others in old faiths and troths
Look odd, as out-of-fashioned clothes,
And nastier in an old opinion,
Than those who never shift their linen.
For true and faithful's sure to lose,
Which way soever the game goes ;
And whether parties lose or win,
Is always nicked, or else hedged in :
While power usurped, like stolen delight.
Is more bewitching than the right,
And when the times begin to alter,
None rise so high as from the halter.
And so we may, if we've but sense
To use the necessary means.
And not your usual stratagems
On one another, lights, and dreams :
To stand on terms as positive.
As if we did not take, but give ;
Set up the covenant on crutches,
'Gainst those who have us in their clutclies.
And dream of pulling churches down,
Before we're sure to prop our own ;
Your constant method of proceeding.
Without the carnal means of heeding.
Who, 'twixt your inward sense and outward,
Are worse, than if y' had none, accoutred.

' I grant all courses are in vain.
Unless we can get in again ;
The only way that's left us now.
But all the difficulty's, how?
'Tis true we've money, tli' only power
That all mankind falls down before ;

2^^ HUD I BRAS. [part in.

Money that, like the swords of kings,
Is the last reason of all things ;
And therefore need not doubt our play
Has all advantages that way ;
As long as men have faith to sell,
And meet with those that can pay well ;
"Whose half-starved pride, and avarice,
One church and state will not suffice
T' expose to sale ; besides the wages
Of storing plagues to after ages.
Nor is our money less our own
Than 'twas before we laid it down ;
For 'twill return, and turn t' account,
If we are brought in play upon't,
Or but, by casting knaves, get in,
What power can hinder us to win ?
We know the arts we used before.
In peace and war, and something more;
And by th' unfortunate events,
Can mend our next experiments ;
For when we're taken into trust ;
How easy are the wisest choused.
Who see but th' outsides of our feats.
And not their secret springs and weights ;
And, while they're busy, at their ease.
Can carry what designs we please }
How easy is't to serve for agents,
To prosecute our old engagements ?
To keep the good old cause on foot,
And present power from taking root ;
Inflame them both with false alarms
Of plots, and parties taking arms ;
To keep the nation's wounds too wide
From healing up of side to side ;
Profess the passionat'st concerns,
For both their interests by turns,
The only way t' improve our own,
By dealing faithfully with none ;
As bowls run true, by being made
On purpose false, and to be swayed,
For if we should be true to either,
'Twould turn us out of both together ;

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 24 £

And therefore have no other means

To stand upon our own defence,

But keeping up our ancient party

In vigour, confident and hearty :

To reconcile our late dissenters,

Our brethren, though by other venters ;

Unite them, and their difterent maggots,

As long and short sticks are in faggots,

And make them join again as close,

As when they first began t' espouse \

Erect them into separate

New Jewish tribes in church and state ;

To join in marriage and commerce.

And only 'mong themselves converse,

And all that are not of their mind,

Make enemies to all mankind :

Take all religions in, and stickle

From conclave down to conventicle ;

Agreeing still or disagreeing,

According to the light in being.

Sometimes for liberty of conscience.

And spiritual misrule in one sense ;

But in another quite contrary,

As dispensations chance to vary ;

And stand for, as the times will bear it.

All contradictions of the spirit :

Protect their emissaries, empowered

To preach sedition and the word ;

And when they're hampered by the laws,

Release the labourers for the cause.

And turn the persecution back

On those that made the first attack.

To keep them equally in awe.

For breaking, or maintaining law :

And when they have their fits too soon,

Before the full-tides of the moon,

Put off their zeal t' a fitter season.

For sowing faction in and treason ;

And keep them hooded, and their churches,

Like hawks, from baiting on their perches ;

That when the blessed time shall come

Of quitting Babylon and Rome,

sr43 HUDIBRAS. [part ill.

They may be ready to restore
Tlieir own fifth monarchy once more.
Meanwhile be better armed to fence
Against revolts of providence,
By watching narrowly, and snapping
All blind sides of it, as they happen :
For if success could make us saints,
Our ruin turned us miscreants ;
A scandal that would flUl too hard
Upon a few, and unprepared.

' These are the courses we must run,
Spite of our hearts, or be undone.
And not to stand on terms and freaks.
Before we have secured our necks,
But do our work as out of sight.
As stars by day, and suns by night ;
All license of the people own,
In opposition to the crown ;
And for the crown as fiercely side,
The head and body to divide ;
The end of all we first designed,
And all that yet remains behind.
Be sure to spare no public rapine,
On all emergencies that happen :
For 'tis as easy to supplant
Authority, as men in want ;
As some of us, in trusts, have made
The one hand with the other trade ;
Gained vastly by their joint endeavour.
The right a thief, the left receiver ;
And what the one, by tricks, forestalled,
The other, by as sly, retailed :
For gain has wonderful effects
T' improve the factory of sects ;
The rule of faith in all professions.
And great Diana of th' Ephesians ;
^^^hence turning of religion 's made
The means to turn and wind a trade ;
And though some change it for the worse.
They put themselves into a course,
And draw in store of customers,
To thrive the better in commerce :

CANTO II. I HUDIBRAS. 243

For all religions flock together,
Like tame and wild fowl of a feather,
To nab the itches of their sects,
As jades do one another's necks.
Hence 'tis hypocrisy as well
Will serve t' improve a church, as zeal ;
As persecution, or promotion,
Do equally advance devotion.

' Let business like ill watches, go
Sometime too fast, sometime too slow;
For things in order are put out
So easy, ease itself will do't :
But when the feat's designed and meant,
What miracle can bar th' event ?
For 'tis more easy to betray,
Than ruin any other way.

' All possible occasions start.
The weightiest matters to divert ;
Obstruct, perplex, distract, entangle,
And lay perpetual trains, to wrangle.
But in affairs of less import,
That neither do us good nor hurt.
And they receive as little by.
Out-fawn as much, and oiit-comply,
And seem as scrupulously just,
To bait our hooks for greater trust.
But still be careful to cry down
All pui^lic actions, though our own ;
The least miscarriage aggravate,
And charge it all upon, the state :
Express the horrid'st detestation,
And pity the distracted nation ;
Tell stories scandalous and false,
I'" th' proper language of cabals.
Where all a subtle statesman says,
Ls half in words, and half in face ;
As Spaniards talk in dialogues
Of heads and shoulders, nods and shrugs ;
Entrust it under solemn vow
Of mum and silence, and the rose.
To be retailed again in whispers,
For th' easy credulous to disperse.'

244 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

Thus far the statesman — When a shout,
Heard at a distance, put him out ;
And straight another, all aghast,
Rushed in with equal fear and haste,
Who stared about, as pale as death,
And for a while, as out of breath,
Till, having gathered up his wits.
He thus began his tale by fits :

' That beastly rabble — that came down
From all the garrets — in the town
And stalls, and shop-boards — in vast swarms.
With new-chalked bills, and rusty arms.
To cry the cause — up, heretofore,
And bawl the bishops — out of door ;
Are new drawn up — in greater shoals.
To roast — and broil us on the coals,
And all the grandees — of our members
Are carbonading — on the embers ;
Knights, citizens and burgesses —
Held forth by rumps — of pigs and geese.
That serve for characters — and badges
To represent their personages.
Each bonfire is a funeral pile,
In which they roast, and scorch, and broil,
And every representative
Have vowed to roast — and broil alive :
And 'tis a miracle we are not
Already sacrificed incarnate ;
For while we wrangle here, and jar,
We're grillied all at Temple Bar ;
Some, on the sign-post of an alehouse,
Hang in effigy, on the gallows,
Made up of rags, to personate
Respective officers of state ;
That, henceforth, they may stand rejDUted,
Proscribed in law, and executed,
And, while the work is carrying on.
Be ready listed under Dun,
That worthy patriot, once the bellows,
And tinder-box, of all his fellows;
Tlie activ'st member of the five,
As well as tlie most primitive ;

CANTO II.] HUDIDRAS. 245

Who, for his faithful service then,

Is chosen for a fifth again :

For since the State has made a quint

Of generals, he's lifted in't.

This worthy, as the world will say,

Is paid in specie, his own way ;

For, moulded to the life, in clouts,

Th' have picked from dunghills hereabouts,

He's mounted on a hazel bavin

A cropped malignant baker gave 'cm ;

And to the largest bonfire riding,

Th' have roasted Cook already, and Pride in ;

On whom, in equipage and state.

His scarecrow fellow-members wait,

And march in order, two and two,

As at thanksgivings th' used to do ;

Each in a tattered talisman,

Like vermin in effigy slain,

' But, what's more dreadful than the rest ;
Those rumps are but the tail o' th' beast,
Set up to popish engineers.
As by the crackers plainly appears ;
For none but Jesuits have a mission
To preach the faith with ammunition.
And propagate the church with powder;
Their founder was a blown-up soldier.
These spiritual pioneers o' th' whore's,
That have the charge of all her stores ;
Since first they failed in their designs.
To take in heaven by springing mines,
And, with unanswerable barrels
Of gunpowder, dispute their quarrels.
Now take a course more practicable,
By laying trains to fire the rabble,
And blow us up, in th' open streets.
Disguised in rumps, like sambcnites.
More like to ruin and confound.
Than all their doctrines under ground.

' Nor have they chosen rumps amiss,
For symbols of state-mysteries ;
Though some suppose, 'twas but to show
How much they scorned the saints, the ic"^.

246 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

Who, 'cause they're wasted to the stumps,
Are represented best by rumps.
But Jesuits have deeper reaches
In all their politic far-fetclies ;
And from the Coptic priest, Kircherus,
Found out this mystic way to jeer us :
For, as th' Egyptians used by bees
T' express their antique Ptolomies,
And by their stings, the swords they wore,
Held forth authority and power;
Because these subtle animals
Bear all their interests in their tails ;
But when they're once impaired in that,
Are banished their well-ordered state :
They thought all governments were best
By hieroglyphic rumps expressed.
For as a lly that goes to bed,
Rests with his tail above his head,
So, in this mongrel state of ours,
The rabble are the supreme powers,
That horsed us on their backs, to show us
A jadish trick at last, and throw us.
' The learned rabbins of the Jews
Write, there's a bone, which they call Luez,
I' th' rump of man, of such a virtue,
No force in nature can do hurt to ;
And therefore, at the last great day.
All th' other members shall, they say,
Spring out of this, as from a seed
All sorts of vegetals proceed ;
From whence the learned sons of art,
Os sacriun justly style that part :
Then what can better represent.
Than this rump bone, the parliament ?
That after several rude ejections,
And as prodigious resurrections,
With new revei'sions of nine lives,
Starts up, and, like a cat, revives ?
But now, alas ! tlicy're all expired,
And th' house, as well as members, fired ;
Consumed in kennels by the rout.
With which they otlier fires put out ]

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 247

Condemned t' ungoverning distress,
And paltry private wretchedness \
Worse than the devil to privation,
Beyond all hopes of restoration ;
And parted, like the body and soul,
From all dominion and control.
We, who could lately, with a look,
Enact, establish, or revoke,
Whose arbitrary nods gave law.
And frowns kept multitudes in awe ;
Before the bluster of whose huff,
All hats, as in a storm, flew off;
Adored and bowed to by the great,
Down to the footman and valet ;
Had more bent knees than chapel-mals,
And prayers than the crowns of hats,
Shall now be scorned as wretchedly ;
For ruin's just as low as high ;
Which might be suffered were it all
The horror that attends our fall :
For some of us have scores more large
Than heads and quarters can discharge ;
And others, who, by restless scraping.
With public frauds, and private rapine,
Have mighty heaps of wealth amassed,
Would gladly lay down all at last ;
And, to be but undone, entail
Their vessels on perpetual jail,
And bless the devil to let them farms
Of forfeit souls on no worse terms.'

This said, a near and louder shout
Put all th' assembly to the rout,
Who now begun t' outrun their fear.
As horses do, from those they bear ;
But crowded on with so much haste.
Until th' had blocked the passage fast.
And barricadoed it with haunches
Of outward men, and bulks and paunches,
That with their shoulders strove to squeeze,
And rather save a crippled piece
Of all their crushed and broken members,
Than have them grillied on the embers ;

248 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

Still pressing on with heavy packs
Of one another on their backs,
The vanguard could no longer bear
The charges of the forlorn rear,
But, borne down headlong by the rout.
Were trampled sorely under foot;
Yet nothing proved so formidable,
As th' horrid cookery of the rabble ;
And fear, that keeps all feeling out.
As lesser pains are by the gout,
Relieved 'em with a fresh supply
Of rallied force, enough to fly, '
And beat a Tuscan running-horse,
Whose jockey-rider is all spurs.

CANTO III.

THK ARGUMENT.

The kniglit and squire's prodigious flight
To quit th' enchanted bower by night.
He plods to turn his amorous suit,
T' a plea in law, and prosecute :
Repairs to counsel, to advise
'Bout managing the enterprise ;
But first resolves to try by letter,
And one more fair address, to get her.

Who would believe what strange bugbears

Mankind creates itself, of fears,

That spring, like fern, that insect weed,

Equivocally, without seed,

And have no possible foundation.

But merely in th' imagination?

And yet can do more dreadful feats

Than hags, with all their imps and teats ;

Make more bewitch and haunt themselves,

Than all their nurseries of elves.

For fear does things so like a witch,

'Tis hard t' unriddle which is which ;

Sets up communities of senses.

To chop and change intelligences ;

As Rosicrucian virtuosos

Can see with ears, and hear with noses j

And when they neither see nor hear,

Have more than both supplied by fear.

That makes them in the dark see visions,

And hag themselves with apparitions.

And when their eyes discover least.

Discern the subtlest objects best ;

Do things not contrary alone.

To th' course of nature, but its own,

The courage of the bravest daunt.

And turn poltroons as valiant ;

250 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

For men as resolute appear

With too mucli, as too little fear ;

And, when they're out of hopes of flying,

Will run away from death, by dying ;

Or turn again to stand it out;

And those they fled, like lions, rout.

This Hudibras had proved too true,
Who, by the furies, X^ii perdue^
And haunted with detachments, sent
From Marshal Legion's regiment,
Was by a fiend, as counterfeit,
Relieved and rescued with a cheat,
When nothing but himself, and fear,
Was both the imps and conjurer;
As by the rules o' th' virtuosi,
It follows in due form of poesie.

Disguised in all the masks of night,
We left our champion on his flight,
At blindman's buff, to grope his way.
In equal fear of night and day ;
Who took his dark and desperate course,
He knew no better than his horse j
And by an unknown devil led,
He knew as little whither, fled.
He never was in greater need,
Nor less capacity of speed ;
Disabled, both in man and beast,
To fly and run away, his best ;
To keep the enemy, and fear,
From equal falling on his rear.
And though with kicks and bangs he plied
The furthur and the nearer side ;
As seamen ride with all their force.
And tug as if they rowed the liorse.
And when the hackney sails more swift,
Believe they lag, or run adrift ;
So, though he posted e'er so fast.
His fear was greater than his haste :
For fear, though fleeter than the wind.
Believes 'tis always left behind,
But when the morn began t' appear,
And shift t' another scene his fear,

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 251

He found his new officious shade,
That came so timely to his aid,
And forced him from the foe t' escape,
Had turned itself to Ralpho's shape.
So like in person, garb, and pitch,
'Twas hard t' interpret which was which.

For Ralpho had no sooner told
The lady all he had t' unfold,
But she conveyed him out of sight,
To entertain the approaching knight ;
And while he gave himself diversion,
T' accommodate his beast and person,
And put his beard into a posture
At best advantage to accost her,
She ordered th' antimasquerade,
For his reception, aforesaid :
But when the ceremony was done,
The lights put out, the furies gone.
And Hudibras, among the rest.
Conveyed away, as Ralpho guessed,
The wretched caitiff, all alone.
As he believed, began to moan.
And tell his story to himself,
The knight mistook him for an elf;
And did so still, till he began
To scruple at Ralph's outward man,
And thought, because they oft agreed
T' appear in one another's stead.
And act the saint's and devil's part,
With undistinguishable art,
They might have done so now, perhaps,
And put on one another's shapes ;
And therefore, to resolve the doubt,
He stared upon him, and cried out,
' What art ? My squire, or that bold sprite
That took his place and shape to-night?
Some busy independent pug,
Retainer to his synagogue?'

'Alas !' quoth he, 'I'm none of those
Your bosom friends, as you suppose,
But Ralph himself, your trusty squire,
Wh' has dragged your dunship out o' th' mire,

ii^2 IIUDIDRAS. [part iil.

And from th' enchantments of a widow,

■\Vh' had turned you int' a beast^ have freed you ;

And, though a prisoner of war,

Have brought you safe, where now you are ;

Which you would gratefully repay,

Your constant presbyterian way.'

' That's stranger,' quoth the knight, ' and stranger ;
Who gave thee notice of my danger?'

Quoth he, 'Th' infernal conjurer
Pursued, and took me prisoner;
And, knowing you were hereabout,
Brought me along to find you out.
Where I, in hugger-mugger hid,
Have noted all they said or did :
And, though they lay to him the pageant,
I did not see him, nor his agent ;
Who played their sorceries out of sight,
T' avoid a fiercer second fight.'

'■ But didst thou see no devils then ?'

' Not one,' quoth he, ' but carnal men,
A little worse than fiends in hell.
And that she-devil Jezebel,
That laughed and tee-heed with derision,
To see them take your deposition.'

'What then,' quoth Hudibras, 'was he
That played the devil to examine me ? '

' A rallying weaver in the town,
That did it in a parson's gown,
Whom all the parish takes for gifted,
But, for my part, 1 ne'er believed it :
In which you told them all your feats,
Your conscientious frauds and cheats ;
Denied your whipping, and confessed
The naked truth of all the rest,
More plainly than the reverend writer
That to our churches veiled his mitre ;
All which they take in black and white.
And cudgelled me to underwrite.'

' What made tliee, when they all were gone,
And none but thou and I alone,
To act the devil, and forbear
To rid me of my hellish fear?'

eANTO III.] nUDlDRAS. 253

Quoth he, ' I knew your constant rate,
And frame cf spirit too obstinate,
To be by me prevailed upon,
AVith any motives of my own ;
And therefore strove to counterfeit
The devil a while, to nick your wit ;
The devil, that is your constant crony,
That only can prevail upon ye ;
Else we might still have been disputing,
And they with weighty drubs confuting.'

The knight, who now began to find
They'd left the enemy behind.
And saw no further harm remain.
But feeble weariness and pain,
Perceived, by losing of their way,
Th' had gained th' advantage of the day,
And, by declining of the road.
They had, by chance, their rear made good ;
He ventured to dismiss his fear,
That parting's wont to rant and tear,
And give the desperat'st attack
To danger still behind its back :
For having paused to recollect.
And on his past success reflect,
T' examine and consider why,
And whence, and how, he came to fly,
And when no devil had appeared,
What else it could be said he feared,
It put him in so fierce a rage,
He once resolved to re-engage ;
Tossed, like a foot-ball, back again
With shame, and vengeance, and disdain.

Quoth he, ' It was thy cowardice,
That made me from this leaguer rise,
And when I'd half-reduced the place,
To quit it infamously base,
Was better covered by the new
Arrived detachment, than I knew;
To slight my new acquests, and run,
Victoriously, from battles won ;
And, reckoning all I gained or lost,
To sell them cheaper than they cost;

254 HUDIBRAS. [part ill.

To make me put myself to flight,
And, conquering, run away by night ;
To drag me out, which th' haughty foe
Durst never have presumed to do ;
To mount me in the dark, by force,
Upon the bare ridge of my horse,
Exposed in querpo to their rage,
Without my arms and equipage;
Les-t, if they ventured to pursue,
I might the unequal fight renew ;
And, to preserve thy outward man.
Assumed my place, and led the van.'

' All this,' quoth Ralph, ' I did^ 'tis true,
Not to preserve myself, but you :
You, who were damned to baser drubs
Than wretches feel in powdering tubs,
To mount two-wheeled carroches, worse
Than managing a wooden horse;
Dragged out through straiter holes by th' ears.
Erased, or couped for perjurers ;
Who, though th' attempt had proved in vain,
Had had no reason to complain ;
But, since it prospered, 'tis unhandson^e
To blame the hand that paid your ransom,

And rescued your obnoxious bones

From unavoidable battoons.

The enemy was reinforced,

And we disabled and unhorsed.

Disarmed, unqualified for figh<-,

And no way left but hasty flight,

Which, though as desperate in th' attempt,

Has given you freedom to condemn't.

But were our bones in fit condition

To reinforce the expedition,

'Tis now unseasonable and vain,

To think of falling on again :

No martial project to surprise

Can ever be attempted twice ;

Nor cast design serve afterwards.

As gamesters tear their losing cards.

Beside, our bangs of man and beast

Arc fit for nothing now but rest,

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 255

And for a while will not be able

To rally, and prove sei'viceable :

And therefore I, with reason, chose

This stratagem to amuse out foes.

To make an honoiu-able retreat,

And waive a total sure defeat :

For those that fly may fight again,

Which he can never do that's slain.

Hence timely running's no mean part

Of conduct, in the martial art,

By which some glorious feats achieve,

As citizens by breaking thrive,

And cannons conquer armies, while

They seem to draw off and recoil ;

Is held the gallant'st course, and bravest,

To great exploits, as well as safest ;

That spares th' expense of time and pains,

And dangerous beating out of brains ;

And, in the end, prevails as certain

As those that never trust to fortune ;

But make their fear do execution

Beyond the stoutest resolution ;

As earthquakes kill without a blow,

And, only trembling, overthrow.

If th' ancients crowned their bravest men

That only saved a citizen.

What victory could e'er be won,

If every one would save but one ?

Or fight endangered to be lost.

Where all resolve to save the most ?

By this means, when a battle's won.

The war's as far from being done ;

For those that save themselves and fly,

Go halves, at least, i' th' victory ;

And sometime, when the loss is small,

And danger great, they challenge all ;

Print new additions to their feats.

And emendations in gazettes ;

And when, for furious haste to run,

They durst not stay to fire a gun,

Have done 't with bonfires, and at home

Made squibs and crackers overcome ;

256 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

To set the rabble on a flame,

And keep their governors from blame,

Disperse the news the pulpit tells,

Confirmed with fireworks and with bells ;

And, though reduced to that extreme,

They have been forced to sing Te Deum ;

Yet, with religious blasphemy,

By flattering heaven with a lie.

And, for tneir beating, giving thanks,

Th' have raised recruits, and filled their banks ;

For those who run from th' enemy.

Engage them equally to fly ;

And when the fight becomes a chace,

Those win the day that win the race ;

And that which would not pass in fights^

Has done the feat with easy flights ;

Recovered many a desperate campaign

With Bourdeaux, Burgundy, and Champaign ;

Restored the fainting high and mighty,

With brandy-wine, and aqua-vitse ;

And made them stoutly overcome

With bacrack, hoccamore, and mum ;

With th' uncontrolled decrees of fate

To victory necessitate ;

With which, although they run or burn,

They unavoidably return ;

Or else their sultan populaces

Still strangle all their routed bassas.'

Quoth Hudibras, ' I understand
What fights thou mean'st at sea and land,
And who those were that run away.
And yet gave out th' had won the day ;
Although the rabble soused them for't.
O'er head and ears, in mud and dirt.
'Tis true our modern way of war
Is grown more politic by far,
But not so resolute and bold,
Nor tied to honour, as the old.
For now they laugh at giving battle,
Unless it be to herds ot cattle ;
Or fighting convoys of provision.
The whole design o' the expedition,

CANTO in.] HUD 1 BRAS. 257

And not with downright blows to rout

The enemy, but eat them out :

As fighting, in all beasts of prey,

And eating, are performed one way,

To give defiance to their teeth,

And fight their stubborn hearts to death ;

And those achieve the highest renown,

That bring the other stomachs down.

There's now no fear of wounds nor maiming,

All dangers are reduced to famine,

And feats of arras to plot, design,

Surprise, and stratagem, and mme ;

But have no need nor use of courage,

Unless it be for glory, or forage :

For if they fight 'tis but by chance,

When one side venturing to advance,

And come uncivilly too near,

Are charged unmercifully' i' th' rear.

And forced, with terrible resistance.

To keep hereafter at a distance,

To pick out ground t' encamp upon.

Where store of largest rivers run,

That serve, instead of peaceful barriers,

To part th' engagements of their warriors ;

Where both from side to side may skip,

\nd only encounter at bo-peep :

For men are found the stouter-hearted.

The certainer they're to be parted.

And therefore post themselves in bogs,

As th' ancient mice attacked the frogs.

And made their mortal enemy,

The water-rat, their strict ally.

For 'tis not now who's stout and bold.

But who bears hunger best, and cold ?

And he's approved the most deserving,

Who longest can hold out at starving ;

And he that routs most pigs and cows,

The formidablest man of juowess.

So th' emperor Caligula,

That triumphed o'er the British sea, \

Took crabs and oysters prisoners, '

And lobsters, 'stead of cuirasiers;

258 HUDIBRAS. [part ill.

Engaged his legions in fierce bustles,
With periwinkles, prawns, and mussels.
And led his troops with furious gallops,
To charge whole regiments of scallops ;
Not like their ancient way of war.
To wait on his triumphal car 3
But when he went to dine or sup,
More bravely ate his captives up,
And left all Avar, by his example,
Reduced to vict'ling of a camp well.'

Quoth Ralph, ' By all that you have said,
And twice as much that I could add,
'Tis plain you cannot now do worse
Than take this out-of-fashioned course,
To hope, by stratagem, to woo her,
Or waging battle to subdue her ;
Though some have done it in romances,
And banged them into amorous fancies ;
As those who won the Amazons,
By wanton drubbing of their bones ;
And stout Rinaldo gained his bride
By courting of her back and side.
But since these times and feats are over,
They are not for a modern lover.
When mistresses are too cross-grained,
By such addresses to be gained ;
And if they were, would have it out
With many another kind of bout.
Therefore I hold no course s' infeasible.
As this of force, to win the Jezebel,
To storm her heart by th' antique charms
Of ladies errant, force of arms :
But rather strive by law to win her,
And try the title you have in her.
Your case is clear, you have her word,
And me to witness the accord :
Besides two more of her retinue
To testify what passed between you ;
More probable, and like to hold,
Than hand, or seal, or breaking gold.
For which so many that renounced
Their plighted contracts, have been trounced,

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 259

And bills upon record been found,
That forced the ladies to compound ;
And that, unless I miss the matter,
Is all the business you look after.
Besides, encounters at the bar
Are braver now than those in war,
In which the law does execution.
With less disorder and confusion ;
Has more of honour in't, some hold,
Not like the new way, but the old.
When those the pen had drawn together.
Decided quarrels with the feather.
And winged arrows killed as dead.
And more than bullets now of lead :
So all their combats now, as then.
Are managed chiefly by the pen ;
That does the feat, with braver vigours,
In words at length, as well as figures ;
Is judge of all the world performs
In voluntary feats of arms,
And whatsoe'er's achieved in fight,
Determines which is wrong or right :
For whether you prevail, or lose.
All must be tried there in the close ;
And therefore 'tis not wise to shun
What you must trust to ere ye've done.
The law, that settles all you do.
And marries where you did but woo ;
That makes the most perfidious lover,
A lady, that's as false, recover ;
And if it judge upon your side,
Will soon extend her for your bride,
And put her person, goods, or lands,
Or which you like best, int' your hands.
For law's the wisdom of all ages.
And managed by the ablest sages,
Who, though their business at the bar
Be but a kind of civil war.
In which th' engage with fiercer dudgeons
Than e'er the Grecians did, and Trojans,
They never manage the contest
T' impair their public interest,

I 2

26o HUDIDRAS. [part hi.

Or by their controversies lessen

The dignity of their profession :

Not hke us brethren, who divide

Our common-wealth, the cause, and side ;

And though we're all as near of kindred

As th' outward man is to the inward,

We agree in nothing, but to wrangle

About the slightest tingle-fangle,

While lawyers have more sober sense,

Than t' argue at their own expense,

But make their best advantages

Of others' quarrels, like the Swiss \

And out of foreign controversies.

By aiding both sides, fill their purses ;

But have no interest in the cause

For which th' engage, and wage the laws,

Nor further prospect than their pay,

Whether they lose or win the day.

And though th' abounded in all ages,

With sundry learned clerks and sages ;

Though all their business be dispute.

Which way they canvass every suit,

Th' have no disputes about their art,

Nor in polemics controvert;

While all professions else are found

With nothing but disputes t' abound :

Divines of all sorts, and physicians,

Philosophers, mathematicians ;

The Galenist, and Paracelsian,

Condemn the way each other deals in;

Anatomists dissect and mangle,

To cut themselves out work to wrangle ;

Astrologers dispute their dreams,

That in their sleeps they talk of schemes •

And heralds stickle who got who,

So many hundred years ago.

But lawyers are too wise a nation

T' expose their trade to disputation,

Or make the busy rabble judges

Of all their secret piques and grudges ;

In which, whoever wins the day,

The whole profession's sure to pay.

CANTO III.] HbDIDRAS. 261

Beside, no mountebanks, nor cheats,
Dare undertake to do their feats,
When in all other sciences
They swarm like insects, and increase.
For what bigot durst ever draw,
By inward light, a deed in law ?
Or could hold forth, by revelation,
An answer to a declaration ?
For those that meddle with their tools,
Will cut their fingers, if they're fools :
And if you follow their advice,
In bills, and answers, and replies,
They'll write a love-letter in chancery,
Shall bring her upon oath to answer ye,
And soon reduce her to b' your wife,
Or make her weary of her life.'

The knight, who used with tricks and shifts
To edify by Ralpho's gifts,
But in appearance cried him down,
To make them better seem his own.
All plagiaries' constant course
Of sinking, when they take a purse,
Resolved to follow his advice,
But kept it from him by disguise ;
And, after stubborn contradiction,
To counterfeit his own conviction,
And, by transition, fall upon
The resolution as his own.

Quoth he, ' This gambol thou advisest
Is, of all others, the unwiscst ;
For, if I think by law to gain her,
There's nothing sillier nor vainer.
'Tis but to hazard my pretence,
Where nothing's certain but th' expense;
To act against myself, and traverse
My suit and title to her favours ;
And if she should, which heaven forbid !
O'erthrow me, as the fiddler did,
What after-course have I to take,
'Gainst losing all I have at stake ?
He that with injury is grieved.
And goes to law to be relieved.

262 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

Is sillier than a sottish chouse,

Who, when a thief has robbed his house,

Applies himself to cunning men,

To help him to his goods again ;

When all he can expect to gain,

Is but to squander more in vain :

And yet I have no other way,

But is as difficult to play :

For to reduce her, by main force,

Is now in vain ; by fair means, worse ;

But worst of all to give her over.

Till she's as desperate to recover :

For bad games are thrown up too soon.

Until they're never to be won ;

But since I have no other course.

But is as bad t' attempt^ or worse,

He that complies against his will,

Is of his own opinion still,

Which he may adhere to, yet disown,

For reasons to himself best known ;

But 'tis not to b' avoided now,

For Sidrophel resolves to sue ;

Whom I must answer, or begin,

Inevitably, first with him ;

For I've received advertisement.

By times enough, of his intent ;

And knowing he that first complains

Th' advantage of the business gains ;

For courts of justice understand

The plaintiff to be eldest hand ;

Who what he pleases may aver,

The other nothing till he swear ;

Is freely admitted to all grace,

And lawful favour, by his place ;

And, for his bringing custom in,

Has all advantages to win :

I, who resolve to oversee

No lucky opportunity.

Will go to counsel, to advise

Which way t' encounter or surprise,

And, after long consideration.

Have found out one to fit th' occasion,

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 263

Most apt for what I have to do^
As counsellor, and justice too.'

And truly so, no doubt, he was,
A lawyer fit for such a case,
An old dull sot, who told the clock,
For many years, at Bridewell Dock,
At Westminster, and Hicks's Hall,
And hiccius doctius played in all ;
Where, in all governments and times,
H' had been both friend and foe to crimes,
And used two equal ways of gaining,
By hindering justice, or maintaining : .
To many a quean gave privilege.
And whipped, for want of quarterage ;
Cart-loads of thieves to prison sent.
For being behind a fortnight's rent ;
And many a trusty pimp and crony
To Puddle Dock, for want of money :
Engaged the constable to seize
All those that would not break the peace ;
Nor give him back his own foul words.
Though sometimes commoners, or lords.
And kept 'em prisoners of course.
For being sober at ill hours ;
That in the morning he might free
Or bind 'em over for his fee ;
Made monsters fine, and puppet-plays,
For leave to practise in their ways ;
Farmed out all cheats, and went a share
With th' headborough and scavenger ;
And made the dirt i' th' street compound,
For taking up the public ground ;
The kennel, and the king's highway,
For being unmolested, pay;
Let out the stocks and whipping-post,
And cage, to those that gave him most ;
Imposed a tax on bakers' ears.
And for false weight on chandelers ;
Made victuallers and vintners fine
For arbitrary ale and wine ;
But was a kind and constant friend
To all that regularly offend

264 nUDIBRAS. [part ill.

As residentiary bawds,

And brokers that receive stol'n goods ;

That cheat in lawful mysteries,

And pay church duties, and his fees ;

But was implacable and awkward,

To all that interloped and hawkered.

To this brave man tlie knight repairs
For counsel in his law-affairs.
And found him mounted in his pew,
With books and money placed, for show,
Like nest-eggs to make clients lay,
And for his false opinion pay :
To whom the knight, with comely grace,
Put off his hat, to put his case ;
Which he as proudly entertained,
As th' other courteously strained ;
And, to assure him 'twas not that
He looked for, bid him put on 's hat.

Quoth he, ' There is one Sidrophel
Whom I have cudgelled ' — * Very well ' —
' And now he brags t' have beaten me ' —

* Better, and better still,' quoth he —
' And vows to stick me to a wall,
Where'er he meets me ' — ' Best of all ' —
' 'Tis true the knave has taken 's oath

That I robbed him ' — 'Well done, in troth ' —
' When h' has confessed he stole my cloak,
And picked my fob, and what he took ;
Which was the cause that made me bang him.
And take my goods again' — 'Marry, hang him'-^
' Now, whether I should beforehand.
Swear he robbed me?' — 'I understand ' —

* Or bring my action of conversion

And trover for my goods ?' — ' Ah, whoreson !' —

' Or, if 'tis better to endite,

And bring him to his trial? — 'Right' —

' Prevent what he designs to do.

And swear for th' state against him?' — 'True' —

' Or whether he that is defendant,

In this case, has the belter end on't ;

Who, putting in a new cross-bill,

May tra\-erse the action ?' — ' Better still.'

CANTO III.] nUDIBRAS, 265

' Then there's a lady too.' — ' Ay, marry ' —

* That's easily proved accessary ;

A widow, who by solemn vows.

Contracted to me for my spouse,

Combined with him to break her word,

And has abetted all ' — ' Good Lord !' — •

'Suborned th' aforesaid Sidrophel

To tamper with the devil of hell.

Who put m' into a horrid fear,

Fear of my life ' — ' Make that appear ' — ■

' Made an assault with fiends and men

Upon my body ' — ' Good again ' —

' And kept me in a deadly fright,

And false imprisonment, all night.

Meanwhile they robbed me, and my horse,
And stole my saddle' — ' Worse and worse.'
' And made me mount upon the bare ridge,
T' avoid a wretchcdcr miscarriage.'

* Sir,' quoth the lawyer, ' not to flatter ye,
You have as good and fair a battery
As heart can wish, and need not shame
The proudest man alive to claim ;
For if th' have used you as you say,
Marry, quoth I, God give you joy ;
I would it were my case, I'd give
More than I'll say, or you'll believe :
I would so trounce her, and her purse,
I'd made her kneel for better or worse;
For matrimony, and hanging here.
Both go by destiny so clear,
That you as sure may i)ick and choose,
As cross I win, and pile you lose :
And if I durst, 1 would advance
As much in ready maintenance,
As upon any case I've known ;
But we that practice dare not own :
The law severely contrabands
Our taking business off men's hands ;
'Tis common barratry, that bears
Point-blank an action 'gainst our ears.
And crops them till there is not leather,
Tq stick a pen in ]eft of either \

266 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

For which some do the summersault,
And o'er the bar, like tumblers, vault :
But you may swear at any rate,
Things not in nature, for the state ;
For in all courts of justice here
A witness is not said to swear,
But make oath, that is, in plain terms,
To forge whatever he affirms.'

' I thank you,' quoth the knight, ' for that,
Because 'tis to my purpose pat,
For justice, though she's painted blind,
Is to the weaker side inclined.
Like charity ; else right and wrong
Could never hold it out so long,
And, like blind fortune, with a sleight,
Convey men's interest, and right.
From Stiles's pocket into Nokes's,
As easily as hocus pociis ;
Plays fast and loose, makes men obnoxious ;
And clear again, like Jiiccius dodius.
Then whether you would take her life,
Or but recover her for your wife,
Or be content with what she has,
And let all other matters pass,
The business to the law's alone,
The proof is all it looks upon :
And you can want no witnesses,
To swear to anything you please,
That hardly get their mere expenses
By th' labour of their consciences.
Or letting out, to hire, their ears
To affidavit-customers,
At inconsiderable values,
To serve for jurymen or tales.
Although retained in th' hardest matters
Of trustees and administrators.'

' For that,' quoth he, 'let me alone ;
W have store of such, and all our own.
Bred up and tutored by our teachers,
Th' ablest of conscience-stretchers.'

' That's well,' quoth he, ' but I should guess,
By weighing all advantages.

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 267

Your surest way is first to pitch

On Bongey for a water-witch ;

And when y' have hanged the conjurer,

Y' have time enough to deal with her.

In th' interim spare for no trepans

To draw her neck into the banns ;

Ply her with love-letters and billets,

And bait 'em well for quirks and quillets,

With trains t' inveigle, and surprise

Her heedless answers and replies ;

And if she miss the mouse-trap lines,

They'll serve for other by-designs ;

And make an artist understand,

To copy out her seal, or hand ;

Or find void places in the paper.

To steal in something to entrap her ;

Till, with her worldly goods, and body.

Spite of her heart, she has endowed ye :

Retain all sorts of witnesses.

That ply i' th' Temple, under trees,

Or walk the round, with knights o' th' posts,

About the cross-legged knights, their hosts ;

Or wait for customers between

The pillar-rows in Lincoln's Inn ;

Where vouchers, forgers, common-bail.

And aftidavit-men ne'er fail

T' expose to sale all sorts of oaths,

According to their ears and clothes.

Their only necessary tools,

Besides the Gospel, and their souls ;

And when y' are furnished with all purveys,

I shall be ready at your service.'

' I would not give,' quoth Hudibras,
' A straw to understand a case,
Without the admirable skill
To wind and manage it at will ;
To veer, and tack, and steer a cause,
Against the weather-gauge of laws ;
And riiig the changes upon cases,
As plain as noses upon faces ;
As you have well instructed me,
For which y' have earned,— here 'tis,— your fee.

268 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.

I long to practise 3'our advice,
And try the subtle artifice ;
To bait a letter, as you bid' —

As, not long after, thus he did ;
For, having pumped up all his wit,
And hummed upon it, thus he writ.

AN IIEROICAL EPISTLE OF HUDIBRAS TO
HIS LADY.

I WHO was once as great as Csesar,

Am now reduced to Nebuchadnezzar ;

And from as famed a conqueror,

As ever took degree in war,

Or did his exercise in battle,

By you turned out to grass with cattle :

For since I am denied access

To all my earthly happiness,

Am fallen from the paradise

Of your good graces, and fair eyes ;

T.ost to the world, and you, I'm sent

To everlasting banishment,

Where all the hopes I had t' have won

Your heart, being dashed, will break my own.

Yet if you were not so severe
To pass your doom before you hear,
You'd find, upon my just defence,
How much y' have wronged my innocence.
That once I made a vow to you,
Which yet is unperformed, 'tis true ;
But not because it is unpaid
'Tis violated, though delayed :
Or if it were, it is no fault
So heinous, as you'd have it thought :
To undergo the loss of ears.
Like vulgar hackney perjurers ;
For there's a difference in the case,
Between the noble and the base ;
Who always are observed t' have done't
Upon as different an account ;
The one for great and weighty cause.
To salve in honour ugly Haws ;
For none are like to do it sooner
Than those who're nicest of their honour :
The other, for base gain and pay,
Forswear and perjure by the day,

270 HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY,

And make th' exposing and retailing

Their souls and consciences a calling.

It is no scandal, nor aspersion,

Upon a great and noble person,

To say, he naturally abhorred

Th' old-fashioned trick to keep his word,

Though 'tis perfidiousness and shame

In meaner men, to do the same :

For to be able to forget.

Is found more useful to the great

Than gout, or deafness, or bad eyes

To make 'em pass for wondrous wise.

But though the law, on perjurers,

Inflicts the forfeiture of ears.

It is not just, that does exempt

The guilty, and punish the innocent ;

To make the ears repair the wrong

Committed by th' ungoverned tongue ;

And when one member is forsworn,

Another to be cropped or torn.

And if you should, as you design,

By course of law, recover mine,

You're like, if you consider right.

To gain but little honour by't.

For he that for his lady's sake

Lays down his life, or limbs at stake,

Does not so much deserve her favour,

As he that pawns his soul to have her.

This y' have acknowledged I have done,

Although you now disdain to own ;

But sentence what you rather ought

T' esteem good service than a fault.

Besides, oaths are not bound to bear

That literal sense the words infer,

But, by the practice of the age,

Are to be judged how far th' engage ;

And where the sense by custom 's checked.

Are found void, and of none effect ;

For no man takes or keeps a vow,

But just as he sees others do ;

Nor are they obliged to be so brittle,

As not to yield and bow a little :

HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 271

For as best-tempered blades are found,

Before they break, to bend quite round ;

So truest oaths are still most tough,

And, though they bow, are breaking proof.

Then wherefore should they not b' allowed

In love a greater latitude ?

For as the law of arms approves

All ways to conquest, so should love's ;

And not be tied to true or false,

But make that justest that prevails :

For how can that which is above

All empire, high and mighty love,

Submit its great prerogative.

To any other power alive ?

Shall love, that to no crown gives place,

Become the subject of a case ?

The fundamental law of nature

Be over-ruled by those made after?

Commit the censure of its cause

To any, but its own great laws ?

Love, that's the world's preservative,

That keeps all souls of things alive ;

Controls the mighty power of fate,

And gives mankind a longer date ;

The life of nature, that restores

As fast as time and death devours ;

To whose free-gift the world does owe

Not only earth, but heaven too :

For love's the only trade that's driven.

The interest of state in heaven,

Which nothing but the soul of man

Is capable to entertain.

For what can earth produce, but love,

To represent the joys above ?

Or who but lovers can converse,

Like angels, by the eye-discourse ?

Address, and compliment by vision.

Make love, and court by intuition ?

And burn in amorous flames as fierce

As those celestial ministers ?

Then how can any thing offend.

In order to so great an end ?

2)2 HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY.

Or heaven itself a sin resent,

That for its own supply was meant?

That merits, in a kind mistake,

A pardon for th' offence's sake ?

Or if it did not, but the cause

Were left to th' injury of laws,

What tyranny can disapprove

There should be equity in love?

For laws, that are inanimate,

And feel no sense of love or hate,

That have no passion of their own,

Nor pity to be wrought upon.

Are only proper to inflict

Revenge on criminals as strict :

But to have power to forgive.

Is empire and prerogative ;

And 'tis in crowns a nobler gem

To grant a pardon, than condemn.

Then, since so few do what they ought,

'Tis great t' indulge a well-meant fault ;

For why should he who made address,

All humble ways, without success.

And met with nothing in return

But insolence, affronts and scorn,

Not strive by wit to countermine.

And bravely carry his design ?

He who was used so unlike a soldier,

Blown up with philtres of love-powder;

And after letting blood, and purging.

Condemned to voluntary scourging \

yVlarmed with many a horrid fright.

And clawed by goblins in the night ;

Insulted on, reviled and jeered.

With rude invasion of his beard ;

And wlien our sex was foully scandalled

As foully by the rabble handled ;

Attacked by despicable foes,

And drubbed with mean and vulgar blows ;

And, after all, to be debarred

So much as standing on his guard ;

^Vhen horses, being spurred and pricked,

Have leave to kick for being kicked ?

HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY.

Or why should you, whose mother-wus
Are furnished with all perquisites ;
That with your breeding teeth begin,
And nursing babies that lie in,
B' allowed to put all tricks upon
Our cully sex, and we use none ?
We, who have nothing but frail vows
Against your stratagems t' oppose ;
Or oaths, more feeble than your own,
By which we are no less put down ?
You wound, like Parthians, while you fly,
And kill with a retreating eye ;
Retire the more, the more we press,
To draw us into ambushes :
As pirates all false colours wear,
T' intrap th' unwary mariner ;
So women, to surprise us, spread
The borrowed flags of white and red ;
Display 'em thicker on their cheeks.
Than their old grandmothers, the Picts ;
And raise more devils with their looks,
Than conjurers' less subtle books ;
Lay trains of amorous intrigues,
In towers, and curls, and periwigs,
With greater art and cunning reared,
Than Philip Nye's thanksgiving beard 5
Prepost'rously t' entice and gain
Those to adore 'em tliey disdain ;
And only draw 'em into clog,
With idle names, a catalogue.

A lover is, the more he's brave,
T' his mistress but the more a slave ;
And whatsoever she commands.
Becomes a favour from her hands.
Which he's obliged t' obey, and must,
Whether it be unjust or just.
Then when he is compelled by her
T' adventures he would else forbear,
Who, with his honour, can withstand,
Since force is greater than command ?
And when necessity's obeyed.
Nothing can be unjust or bad :

2 74 HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY.

And therefore, when the mighty powers

Of love, our great ally, and yours,

Joined forces not to be withstood

By frail enamovu-ed flesh and blood,

All I have done, unjust or ill,

Was in obedience to your will,

And all the blame that can be due

Falls to your cruelty, and you.

Nor are those scandals I confessed,

Against my will and interest.

More than is daily done, of course.

By all men, when they're under force :

Whence some, upon the rack, confess

What th' hangman and their prompters please ;

But are no sooner out of pain,

Than they deny it all again.

But when the devil turns confessor,

Truth is a crime he takes no pleasure

To hear or pardon, like the founder

Of liars, whom they all claim under :

And therefore when I told him none,

I think it was the wiser done.

Nor am I without precedent,

The first that on th' adventure went ;

All mankind ever did of course.

And daily does the same, or worse.

For what romance can show a lover,

That had a lady to recover.

And did not steer a nearer course,

To fall aboard in his amours ?

And what at first was held a crime.

Has turned to honourable in time.

For women first were made for men,
Not men for them. — It follows, then.
That men have right to every one,
And they no freedom of their own ;
And therefore men have power to choose,
But they no charter to refuse.
Hence 'tis apparent that what course
Soe'er we take to your amours,
Tliough by the indirectest way,
'Tis no injustice or foul play;

HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY.

And that you ought to take that course,
As we take you, for better or worse,
And gratefully submit to those
Who you, before another, chose.
For why should every savage beast
Exceed his great lord's interest?
Have freer power than he, in grace
And nature, o'er the creature has ?
Because the laws he since has made
Have cut off all the power he had ;
Retrenched the absolute dominion
That nature gave him over women ;
When all his power will not extend
One law of nature to suspend ;
And but to offer to repeal
The smallest clause, is to repel.
This, if men rightly understood
Their privilege, they would make good,
And not, like sots, permit their wives
T' encroach on their prerogatives.
For which sin they deserve to be
Kept, as they are, in slavery.

Forgive me, Fair, and only blame
Th' extravagancy of my flame,
Since 'tis too much at once to show
Excess of love and temper too ;
All I have said that's bad and true,
Was never meant to aim at you.
Who have so sovereign a control
O'er that poor slave of yours, ray soul,
That, rather than to forfeit you,
Has ventured loss of heaven too ;
Both with an equal power possessed,
To render all that serve you blessed ;
But none like him, who's destined either
To have or lose you both together ;
And if you'll but this fault release,
For so it must be, since you please,
I'll pay down all that vow, and more,
Which you commanded, and I swore,
And expiate, upon my skin,
Th' arrears in full of all my sin :

•75

276 IIUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY,

For 'tis but just that I should pay
Th' accruing penance for delay,
Which shall be done, until it move
Your equal pity and your love.

The knight, perusing this epistle,
Believed h' had brought her to his whistle,
And read it, like a jocund lover.
With great applause, t' himself, twice over;
Subscribed his name, but at a fit
And humble distance, to his wit;
And dated it with wondrous art,
' Given from the botti^m of his heart ; '
Then sealed it with his coat of love,
A smoking faggot — and above,
Upon a scroll — ' I burn, and weep ' —
And near it — ' for her Ladyship,
Of all her sex most excellent.
These to her gentle hands present.'
Then gave it to his faithful squire,
With lessons how t' observe, and eye her.

She first considered which was better.
To send it back, or burn the letter :
But guessing that it might import.
Though nothing else, at least her sport.
She opened it, and read it out.
With many a smile and leering flout ;
Resolved to answer it in kind ;
And thus performed what she designed.

THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT.

That you're a beast, and turned to grass,

Is no strange news, nor ever was,

At least to me, who once, you know,

Did from the pound replevin you,

When both your sword and spurs were won

In combat, by an Amazon ;

'That sword that did, like fate, determine

Th' inevitable death of vermin,

And never dealt its furious blows,

But cut the throats of pigs and cows,

By Trulla was, in single fight,

Disarmed and wrested from its knight,

Your heels degraded of your spurs.

And in the stocks close prisoners ;

Where still they'd lain, in base restraint.

If I, in pity of your complaint,

Had not, on honourable conditions,

Released 'em from the worst of prisons ;

And what return that favour met,

You cannot, though you would, forget ;

When being free, you strove t' evade

The oaths you had in prison made ;

Forswore yourself, and first denied it,

But after owned, and justified it ;

And when y' had falsely broke one vow,

Absolved yourself, by breaking two.

For while you sneakingly submit.

And beg for pardon at our feet ;

Discouraged by your guilty fears,

To hope for quarter, for your ears ;

And doubting 'twas in vain to sue,

You claim us boldly as your due.

Declare that treachery and force.

To deal with us, is th' only course 3

We have no title nor pretence

To body, soul, or conscience,

2 78 THE LADY'S ANSWER.

But ought to fall to that man's share
That claims us for his proper ware :
These are the motives which, t' induce,
Or fright us into love, you use ;
A pretty new way of gallanting,
Between soliciting and ranting ;
Like sturdy beggars, that intreat
For charity at once, and threat.
But since you undertake to prove
Your own propriety in love,
As if we were but lawful prize
In war, between two enemies,
Or forfeitures which every lover,
That would but sue for, might recover,
It is not hard to understand
The mystery of this bold demand,
That cannot at our persons aim,
But something capable of claim.

'Tis not those paltry counterfeit
French stones, which in our eyes you set,
But our right diamonds, that inspire
And set your amorous hearts on fire ;
Nor can those false St. Martin's beads
Which on our lips you lay for reds,
And make us wear like Indian dames,
Add fuel to your scorching flames.
But those true rubies of the rock,
Which in our cabinets we lock.
'Tis not those orient pearls, our teeth,
That you are so transported with.
But those we wear about our necks
Produce those amorous effects.
Nor is't those threads of gold, our hair,
The periwigs you make us wear ;
But those bright guineas in our chests,
That light the wildfire in your breasts.
These love-tricks I've been versed in so.
That all their sly intrigues I know.
And can unriddle, by their tones,
Their mystic cabals, and jargones ;
Can tell what passions, by their sounds,
Pine for the beauties of my grounds ;

THE LADY'S ANSWER. 279

What raptures fond and amorous,
O' th' charms and graces of my house ;
What ecstasy and scorching flame,
Burns for my money in my name ;
What from th' unnatural desire
To beasts and cattle, takes its fire ;
What tender sigh, and trickling tear,
Longs for a thousand pounds a-year ;
And languishing transports are fond
Of statute, mortgage, bill, and bond.

These are th' attracts which most men fall
Enamoured, at first sight, withal;
To these th' address with serenades,
And court with balls and masquerades ',
And yet, for all the yearning pain
Ye've suffered for their loves in vain,
I fear they'll prove so nice and coy,
To have, and t' hold, and to enjoy.
That all your oaths and labour lost,
They'll ne'er turn ladies of the post.
This is not meant to disapprove
Your judgment, in your choice of love,
Which is so wise, the greatest part
Of mankind study 't as an art ;
For love should, like a deodand,
Still fall to th' owner of the land ;
And where there's substance for its ground,
Cannot but be more firm and sound
Than that which has the slighter basis
Of airy virtue, wit, and graces ;
Which is of such thin subtlety,
It steals and creeps in at the eye.
And, as it can't endure to stay.
Steals out again as nice a way.

But love, that its extraction owns
From solid gold and precious stones,
Must, like its shining parents, prove
As solid, and as glorious love.
Hence 'tis you have no way t' express
Our charms and graces but by tliose ;
For what are lips, and eyes, and teeth,
Which beauty invades and conquers v.-ilh.

28o THE LADY'S ANSWER.

But rubies, pearls, and diamonds,
With which a philtre-love commands ?

This is the way all parents prove,
In managing their children's love ;
That force 'em t' intermarry and wed,
As if th' were burying of the dead ;
Cast earth to earth, as in the grave,
To join in wedlock all they have,
And, when the settlement's in force.
Take all the rest for better or worse ;
For money has a power above
The stars, and fate, to manage love,
Whose arrov/s, learned poets hold.
That never miss, are tipped with gold.
And though some say, the parents' claims
To make love in their children's names, —
Who, many times, at once provide
The nurse, the husband, and the bride,
Feel darts and charms, attracts and flames.
And woo, and contract, in their names,
And, as they christen, use to marry 'em.
And, like their gossips, answer for 'em \ —
Is not to give in matrimony,
But sell and prostitute for money ;
'Tis better than their own betrothing,
Who often do 't for worse than nothing.
And when they're at their own dispose,
With greater disadvantage choose.
All this is right ; but, for the course
You take to do 't, by fraud or force,
'Tis so ridiculous, as soon
As told, 'tis never to be done,
No more than setters can betray,
That tell what tricks they are to play.
Marriage, at best, is but a vow,
Which all men either break, or bow ;
Then what will those forbear to do.
Who perjure when they do but woo?
Such as beforehand swear and lie,
For earnest to their treachery.
And, rather than a crime confess.
With greater strive to make it less ;

THE LADY'S ANSWER. iZ\

Like thieves, who, after sentence past,

Maintain their innocence to the last ;

And when their crimes were made appear,

As plain as witnesses can swear,

Yet when the wretches come to die.

Will take upon their death a lie.

Nor are tlie virtues you confessed,

T' )-our ghostly father as you guessed,

So slight as to be justified,

By being as shamefully denied ;

As if you thought your word would pass,

Point-blank on both sides of a case ;

Or credit were not to be lost

B' a brave knight-errant of the post,

That eats perfidiously his word.

And swears his ears through a two-inch board ;

Can own the same thing, and disown,

And perjure hooK-j pro and con;

Can make the Gospel serve his turn,

And help him out to be forsworn ;

When 'tis laid hands upon, and kissed,

To be betrayed and sold, like Christ.

These are the virtues in whose name

A right to all the world you claim.

And boldly challenge a dominion.

In grace and nature, o'er all women ;

Of whom no less will satisfy.

Than all the sex, your tyranny :

Although you'll hnd it a hard province,

With all your crafty frauds and covins,

To govern such a numerous crew,

Who, one by one, now govern you ;

For if you all were Solomons,

And wise and great as he was once.

You'll lind they're able to subdue,

As they did him, and baffle you.

And if you are imposed upon,

'Tis by your own temptation done ;

That with your ignorance invite.

And teach us how to use the sleight.

For when we find y' are still more taken

With false attracts of our own making,

282 THE LADY'S ANSWER.

Swear that's a rose, and that's a stone,

Like sots, to us that laid it on,

And what we did but shghtly prime,

Most ignorantly daub in rhyme ;

You force us, in our own defences,

To copy beams and influences ;

To lay perfections on the graces,

And draw attracts upon our faces j

And, in compliance to your wit,

Your own false jewels counterfeit :

For, by the practice of those arts

We gain a greater share of hearts ;

And those deserve in reason most,

That greatest pains and, study cost :

For great perfections are,, like heaven,

Too rich a present to be given :

Nor are those master-strokes of beauty

To be performed without hard duty.

Which, when they're nobly done, and well,

The simple natural excel.

How fair and sweet the planted rose,

Beyond the wild in hedges grows !

For, without art, the noblest seeds

Of flowers degenerate into weeds :

How dull and rugged, ere 'tis ground

And polished, looks a diamond !

Though Paradise were e'er so fair,

It was not kept so without care.

The whole world, without art and dress.

Would be but one great wilderness ;

And mankind but a savage herd.

For all that nature has conferred :

This does but rough-hew and design.

Leaves art to polish and refine.

Though women first were made for men.

Yet men were made for them again :

For when, outwitted by his wife,

Man first tm-ncd tenant but for life,

If woman had not intervened.

How soon had mankind had an end !

And that it is in being yet.

To us alone you are in deist.

THE LADY'S ANSWER. 283

And where's your liberty of choice,
And our unnatural no-voice ?
Since all the privilege you boast,
Falsely usurped, oi» vainly lost,
Is now our right, to whose creation
You owe your happy restoration.
And if we had not weighty cause
To not appear in making laws,
We could, in spite of all your tricks,
And shallow formal politics,
Force you our managements t' obey,
As we to yours, in show, give way.
Hence 'tis, that while you vainly strive
T' advance your high prerogative,
You basely, after all your braves,
Submit and own yourselves our slaves ;
And 'cause we do not make it known,
Nor publicly our interests own,
Like sots, suppose we have no shares
In ordering you, and your affairs.
When all your empire, and command,
You have from us, at second hand ;
As if a pilot, that appears
To sit still only, while he steers,
And does not make a noise and stir,
Like every common mariner,
Knew nothing of the card, nor star.
And did not guide the man-of-war :
Nor we, because we don't appear
In councils, do not govern there ;
While, like the mighty Prester John,
Whose person none dares look upon,
But is preserved in close disguise.
From being made cheap to vulgar eyes,
W' enjoy as large a power, unseen.
To govern him, as he does men ;
And, in the right of our Pope Joan,
Make emperors at our feet fall down ;
Or Joan de Pucelle's braver name,
Our right to arms and conduct claim
Who, though a spinster, yet was able
To serve France for a Grand Constable,

284 ^^^ LADY'S ANSWER.

We make and execute all laws ;
Can judge the judge?, and the cause;
Prescribe all rules of right or Avrong,
To th' long robe, and the longer tongue,
'Gainst which the world has no defence,
But our more powerful eloquence.
We manage things of greatest weight
In all the world's affairs of state ;
Are ministers of war and peace,
That sway all nations how we please.
We rule all churches, and their flocks,
Heretical and orthodox,
And are the heavenly vehicles
O' th' spirits in all conventicles :
By us is all commerce and trade
Improved, and managed, and decayed;
For nothing can go off so well,
Nor bears that price, as what we sell.
We rule in every public meeting,
And make men do what we judge fitting
Are magistrates in all great towns,
Where men do nothing but wear gowns.
We make the man-of-war strike sail,
And to our braver conduct vail.
And, when h' has chased his enemies,
Submit to us upon his knees.
Is there an officer of state,
Untimely raised, or magistrate,
That's haughty and imperious ?
He's but a journeyman to us,
That, as he gives us cause to do't,
Can keep him in, or turn him out.
We are your guardians, that increase,
Or waste your fortunes how we please,
And, as you lunnour us, can deal
In all your matters, ill or well.
'Tis we that can dispose alone.
Whether your heirs shall be your own ;
To whose integrity ycu niust.
In spite of all your caution, trust.
Nor can the rigorousest course
Prevail, unless to make us worse ;

THE LADY'S ANSWER. 285

Who still, the harsher we are used,

Are further oft' from being reduced ;

And scorn t' abate, for any ills.

The least punctilios of our wills.

Force does but whet out wits t' apply

Arts, born with us, for remedy,

Which all your politics, as yet,

Have ne'er been able to defeat :

For, when y' have tried all sorts of ways,

What fools do we make of you in plays ?

While all the favours we aftbrd.

Are but to girt you with the sword,

To fight our battles in our steads,

And have your brains beat out o' your heads ;

Encounter, in despite of nature.

And fight, at once, with fire and water,

With pirates, rocks, and storms, and seas,

Our pride and vanity t' appease ;

Kill one another, and cut throats.

For our good graces, and best thoughts ;

To do your exercise for honour,

And have your brains beat out the sooner ;

Or cracked, as learnedly, upon

Things that are never to be known ;

And still appear the more industrious.

The more your projects are preposterous ;

To square the circle of the arts.

And run stark mad to show your parts ;

Expound the oracle of laws.

And turn them which way we see cause ;

Be our solicitors and agents.

And stand for us in all engagements.

And these are all the mighty powers
You vainly boast to cry down ours ;
And what in real value's wanting.
Supply with vapouring and ranting :
Because yourselves are terrified,
And stoop to one another's pride ;
Believe we have as little wit
To be out-hectored, and submit :
By your example, lose that right
In treaties, which we gained in fight'.

286 THE LADY'S ANSWER.

And terrified into an awe,
Pass on ourselves a salique law ;
Or, as some nations use, give place,
And truckle to your mighty race ;
Let men usurp th' unjust dominion,
As if thev were the better women.

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